Wake Up

I cannot fathom the fact that someone can forgive an act of infidelity. How can one have the thought process of negativity = untrustworthy = undeserving of forgiveness, yet somehow they're forgiven. Why would you want to continue a friendship or relationship with someone who screwed you over more than once? Why would you even think they deserve a third or fourth chance?
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Sometimes the thought of starting anew sticks in your head. Sometimes the thought of "maybe they have changed" conquers your knowledge of why this person is unforgivable. Sometimes that person is stuck in your head without permission and you have no way of getting them out.

There will always be that one person who has changed your life in dramatic ways that it's impossible to forget them. They came into your life and turned your whole world around. In your mind, everything is perfect because you can't help but to think about how much better everything became when they walked in your front door.

You constantly think about how much you care about them. Those moments of bliss repeat over and over in your mind and they erase all the bad you know about them. You become heartbroken because you know things are different from the beginning. Then you forget about the pain because you want to believe the person from the beginning is still there.

You know why things ended, you understand that they are bad for you. He is bad for me. I don't deserve to be treated that way because I deserve better. You don't deserve me.

Stop remembering why you were happy with them and remember all the bad things. The bad conquers over the good because the ratio of bad to good is 4:1. Remember why things ended. Something bad happened...really, really BAD. Wake up, and move on.

"The One"

I like to believe that in the world somewhere, there lives a soul mate for everyone. Whether that someone meets their soul mate is unknown. I'd like to think that meeting your one true love is in the hands of God. I believe the people that I've had relationships with were tests. They were lessons to learn from. They were examples of who not to be with, not now at least.

I'm ready for something stable. I'm ready for something real and serious. I'm sick of the guy telling me he's not feeling it anymore. I'm sick of hearing that it won't work. I want someone who wants it to work, someone that I don't have to try to make it work. If you want it to work and you believe it will, it will work but only if both people believe it.

I'm praying that I will find someone like that and I pray he will find me too. "The one" is out there for me and I believe it. But for now I'm going to continue to go through these tests that help me learn to find and keep the people who have the traits I long for in someone. I'm going to continue to learn to find good ones.

Back in Time

Turn back the clock to half past sorrow and a quarter to happy
When the sun was still rising and the clouds were thinning out
Back to the day when the rain was warm and the leaves crunched beneath my feet
I miss those days
When the breeze was mild enough to cool the air and chilled enough to shiver your skin
Back to when "I miss you" was a constant ringing in my ear
Turn back the clock to spinning whirls of winds that churned up the dirt and dead leaves
Back when the sun soaked my hair and my skin was still moist
Back before I gave you my all and I still had strength
Back to when you were kind
When you were still mine
But perhaps you were never mine to begin with
But I'd still like to pretend you were
I like to pretend that I could be the only one you could ever want
I want to go back there when I felt you were mine even if you weren't completely
Back to lazy days in a cozy basement in the afternoons
Back to admiring the view of your face next to mine
Back to Autumn
Back to happy
Back to you
And the real me
The me who longs to be back in time with just you

For the Love of Broadway [Part 2]

In the song In His Eyes from Jekyll and Hyde the line "love is worth forgiving for" I completely agree with.

If there is someone in your life that you feel is necessary to continue to have them there, they will be. There is nothing in the world that could make you hate them. When someone does wrong, you forgive them. The one instance that doesn't work is infidelity, then they don't deserve your love and forgiveness. But when there is that special bond of love, it's worth to forgive.


In the song Written in the Stars from Aida the first part of the song really speaks to me, but especially the line "I will think, or dream of you and fail to understand how a perfect love can be confounded out of hand." Which I think means: you can be in a relationship that is going so well, but then something happens that ruins it and there is nothing you can do about it, which really sucks. I've been there. You fight so hard because you care so much, but you lose anyway.


In Hairspray, the song Without Love has simple analogies on what life would be like without love. "Without love, life is rock and roll without a drummer." In a band, I believe that in order for a song to be good, it needs a steady beat. The drummer is what gives a band it's backbone. For a good rock song, you do need a good guitarist, bassist, singer, etc. but the drum part in a song gives it something to be founded on. Every song has rhythm. The drums allow any song an opportunity to flow. It keeps everyone on the same wave. If the drummer messes up, then the whole song gets off. One wrong beat can stick out like a sore thumb. That's why without a drummer the band is incomplete.Without love, life is incomplete. Love is everywhere. Love is in everything. You don't have to be in love to love. You can still have a love for something or someone regardless your relationship status. If you don't love something, what are you living for? Without it, life is just a thing to finish and not enjoy. I don't understand how someone could go through life without love. Love is everything. Love is universal. Love is the best thing in the world.


The song Your Eyes from Rent, has one the most moving lines in a song I can think of. Every time I hear it, I choke up. Every time. "I should tell you, I should tell you, I have always loved you, you can see it in my eyes." It's just that the way he sings it, you know that he's realized how much Mimi means to him. It makes me wonder, does distance or a personal crisis really make people realize the person they were once with or the person they're having a hard time with mean more to them than they thought? Can't you just be happy with that one person and know the true meaning of their love without something bad being involved?

Acqua Di Gio, Cigarettes, Laundry Detergent, and a Little B.O.

Pretend like it's 1/15/09 because that's when I wrote it.

The other days Alycia, Nora, and I were at Target when we hit an aisle that they thought smelled like laundry detergent. I huffed and puffed and stormed my way from the aisle.

It smelled like him.

It wasn't a scent that would be...enjoyable I suppose...to anyone else who smelled it but it was his scent. The scent that I pick every time a draft goes by. It's not that I love the smell, it just drove me nuts that I could smell him when he wasn't even around.

Today was our first editorial board meeting for 2nd semester. As soon as I walked in the congested room and took my seat, it was there. His scent consumed the room. I'm probably the only one who noticed it. I'm probably the only one who would connect that with him. I wanted that scent to be mine again. It made me miss it. It made me miss him...UGH...

The following Tuesday I gave Ethan a hug during singers practice and he had that same scent. WTF. I had to do that whole double sniff thing to make sure that's what it was. Great, now every time I'm around him, I'm going to notice it.
Even when I went to get my T-shirt for tennis that damn scent was in the Pappjohn Office. And I noticed my shirt smelled like him later.

(Recent) There other day he sat about 3 feet away from me. I refused to glance his way. I couldn't smell him. I didn't realize I couldn't smell him until he walked away. It's like his scent is taunting me and I wish it would just leave me alone!

I can't go anywhere without that damn scent in my nose. Perhaps it's permanently lodged in there for reasons unknown to me.

The more he's around me, the more my heart aches and breaks without reason. I should be done with him by now. I should be moving on, but I steadily become weaker and weaker until I can't take it anymore. I try to be strong, I must. I know I can be. I just can't wait until I've finally moved on in my head and my nose...as well as my heart.

damn it i hate this.

In My Head

There's nothing you could say to me
To make me feel anything differently

Because no matter how hard I try
You're never too far from my mind

Get out of my head, please?
I beg of you, my mind spins with ease

Every time I look at you, I fail to be wise
Because everything I wonder about is revealed in those eyes

This heart wanders about looking for a close
However, the sorrow that I continue to own shows

In my head, this pain is already subdued
But my heart still wants to reach out and hold on to you

Everything I have ever known and understand
Shatters with a thought about that undeserving man

Even though the room is silent and words are left unsaid
Those moments we shared still dance about in my head

So in reality, your face could and will disappear
But I'll still be left wondering: what the hell happened here?

For the Love of Broadway [Part 1]

Ever since the second semester started, I have been focusing a lot on what I want to sing for Quodlibet. I've known that the theme was Broadway pretty much since school was over last year, but I'm still debating. I know for sure that I want to sing "There Are Worst Things I Could Do" from Grease just because it's perfect for my range and I have the whole thing plotted out in my head.

Last semester, Alycia said she wanted to do "Take Me or Leave Me" from Rent with me. Now she's hesitant of doing it because April and Jana want to do it, Ryner doesn't like Rent, and it's kind of a risky song to do for a family show. So, I don't know if Alycia and I are even going to do a duet. I'd like to but I don't think our voices would blend they way the song feels. I don't know...

However, the song that I'm going to do with Lindsay, I'm very excited about. It's like it was made for us. Even the title "Secondary Characters" is like what we feel like sometimes, but for different reasons. And the whole "by the end of this song, we'll be best friends" fits perfectly considering Lindsay and I haven't always been remotely close to being best friends (except since we've been out of high school.) So, the song kind of pokes fun at that.

Anyway, considering Alycia doesn't want to do the lezbo song (lol), I've been looking up many female duets and I came across a song called "In His Eyes" from Jekyll and Hyde. I've heard of the musical before but I had never listened to any of the music before. There was one song called "Someone Like You" but I didn't really listen to it that close. However, "In His Eyes" is one of the best female duets I've ever heard. The beginning starts off mezzo piano but towards the middle, you can actually feel the love and heartache these women feel for the man/men they're singing about in their voices. Both of their voices are so powerful and they have a tremendous range. I've been listening to it over and over again and I pretty much have it memorized and I even get chills each time I listen to it.

There is a lyrics in the song that I take to heart when I listen to it. While thinking about lyrics in the song, I've decided to pick some that I often think about in other songs, name them off and write about them. But I'll hold off until later because I need to go to bed.