6/3/09
That face I knew before
Those eyes I've already seen through
Those cheeks I've brushed against with mine
Those lips I've kissed a dozen times
Those hands I've held and that neck I've caressed
Those ears I've whispered in
That smile once shone for me
Those words spilled from his mouth telling me what I wanted to hear
That heart, my heart soaked up every last phrase
That girl, this girl was once a victim of that face
A victim of those eyes
A victim of those cheeks
Those lips
Those hands
That heart
His mind
That girl once worried
This girl once knew what pain
That pain
Those tears once fell from that face
My face and from my eyes
That heart once full did break and that wall protecting it had fallen
But that face
Those lips
Those eyes
Are looking into her eyes
And her eyes
And hers...
Those hands are being held by her hands
That face
That charming, curious, and conniving face
Doesn't know this girl
Doesn't know this face
This face that smiles for the first time on its own
Without that face
Monday, June 15, 2009
My Aiden
6/3/09
Enjoying a night alone with my thoughts...
I love watching Sex and the City. It makes me wish I could live the life of Carrie Bradshaw - but only the life she had when she was with Aiden.
He was my favorite.
He was perfect and they were perfect together...until she messed it up by screwing Big...anyway...
My mom and I were watching the episode when they first started dating. He fixed a romantic bubble bath. My mom said she wished she has someone that thoughtful.
As do I.
My mom and I had a conversation one night about how I am afraid I will never get married. After all, some people don't.
But she said if that were true for me, God wouldn't have put the desire to find someone in my heart.
But after watching SATC, I thought about that. My mom has the desire, but hasn't someone to share that same desire with. I realize she's been married before, but they weren't equal desires.
My mom is in her 50's and she hasn't found that one person to share her desire with, so what does that leave for me?
Although I have my whole life ahead of me, why is the desire to find that person so strong?
Why does my heart burn with a passion that is so intense it breaks my heart?
Why can't I be more patient?
Why can't these questions be answered?
Why am I such a sap?
All I ask is to find an Aiden to my Carrie.
All I ask is to be happy.
Enjoying a night alone with my thoughts...
I love watching Sex and the City. It makes me wish I could live the life of Carrie Bradshaw - but only the life she had when she was with Aiden.
He was my favorite.
He was perfect and they were perfect together...until she messed it up by screwing Big...anyway...
My mom and I were watching the episode when they first started dating. He fixed a romantic bubble bath. My mom said she wished she has someone that thoughtful.
As do I.
My mom and I had a conversation one night about how I am afraid I will never get married. After all, some people don't.
But she said if that were true for me, God wouldn't have put the desire to find someone in my heart.
But after watching SATC, I thought about that. My mom has the desire, but hasn't someone to share that same desire with. I realize she's been married before, but they weren't equal desires.
My mom is in her 50's and she hasn't found that one person to share her desire with, so what does that leave for me?
Although I have my whole life ahead of me, why is the desire to find that person so strong?
Why does my heart burn with a passion that is so intense it breaks my heart?
Why can't I be more patient?
Why can't these questions be answered?
Why am I such a sap?
All I ask is to find an Aiden to my Carrie.
All I ask is to be happy.
You Have Chosen Door Number __!
6/1/09
In front of me, I've found three doors. And I know I'm risking a lot with these three doors. I'm not sure what is behind door number one.
It's big and the framing is sturdy. I can't tell if it's what I want. Although the floor mat says welcome in very bold letters, I'm afraid I'm just not curious enough to find what is behind it. There is nothing about it that calls, "Pick me!"
There is nothing about it that makes me interested.
Door number two is very intriguing. I'm very interested in what's behind it.
However, I feel like Alice in Wonderland when I try to open it. It simply is too small for me to walk into. And although I want to open it, it's locked so, there is no use really in attempting to open a locked door. So, all I have left is door number three.
This door has something that I like. It's familiar, like I've opened it before. It's welcome mat is simple and the perfect size. The door's frame has fine design and its size seems to fit.
I've opened it before, I'm sure of it. But what lies behind it is different from before. I can't tell if what is behind it now will make me feel better about my decision. Am I opening the right door? Will I regret it?
And if I do regret it, I think I can be okay with that.
Life has no regrets.
Just lessons learned for the next door to be opened.
In front of me, I've found three doors. And I know I'm risking a lot with these three doors. I'm not sure what is behind door number one.
It's big and the framing is sturdy. I can't tell if it's what I want. Although the floor mat says welcome in very bold letters, I'm afraid I'm just not curious enough to find what is behind it. There is nothing about it that calls, "Pick me!"
There is nothing about it that makes me interested.
Door number two is very intriguing. I'm very interested in what's behind it.
However, I feel like Alice in Wonderland when I try to open it. It simply is too small for me to walk into. And although I want to open it, it's locked so, there is no use really in attempting to open a locked door. So, all I have left is door number three.
This door has something that I like. It's familiar, like I've opened it before. It's welcome mat is simple and the perfect size. The door's frame has fine design and its size seems to fit.
I've opened it before, I'm sure of it. But what lies behind it is different from before. I can't tell if what is behind it now will make me feel better about my decision. Am I opening the right door? Will I regret it?
And if I do regret it, I think I can be okay with that.
Life has no regrets.
Just lessons learned for the next door to be opened.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Early Morning Raindrops
This obviously doesn't correspond with the date and time of the post.
It's nearly 2 AM and it's raining.
I can hear it lightly hit my window.
I can hear it run down the gutter.
It's nearly 2 AM and it's raining.
My body is tired and my eyes are drooping.
I'm hunched over sitting at my computer wondering why I'm still up.
I got much more sleep when my Internet was down.
It's nearly 2 AM and it's raining.
The pace in which it pours is constant.
It's dripping steadily.
No thunder.
No lightning.
And pitch black.
I much rather enjoy the rain on cloudy days so I can sit, watch, and listen to the drops.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
It's nearly 2 AM and it's raining.
I have class in the morning so, I don't know why my body fails to remove itself from this position.
I sit catching up the latest social network news.
Who did what.
Who did who.
I've missed out on a lot these past few weeks.
It's time to catch up on my creeping.
Don't deny it, everyone does it.
Sometimes I rely a little too much on the information online.
But that's what the world is coming to.
It's all technology.
It's all online.
It's 2 AM and it's raining.
I think it's time to unplug myself and catch up on my own life.
It's time to sit, watch, and listen to the rain.
It's nearly 2 AM and it's raining.
I can hear it lightly hit my window.
I can hear it run down the gutter.
It's nearly 2 AM and it's raining.
My body is tired and my eyes are drooping.
I'm hunched over sitting at my computer wondering why I'm still up.
I got much more sleep when my Internet was down.
It's nearly 2 AM and it's raining.
The pace in which it pours is constant.
It's dripping steadily.
No thunder.
No lightning.
And pitch black.
I much rather enjoy the rain on cloudy days so I can sit, watch, and listen to the drops.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
It's nearly 2 AM and it's raining.
I have class in the morning so, I don't know why my body fails to remove itself from this position.
I sit catching up the latest social network news.
Who did what.
Who did who.
I've missed out on a lot these past few weeks.
It's time to catch up on my creeping.
Don't deny it, everyone does it.
Sometimes I rely a little too much on the information online.
But that's what the world is coming to.
It's all technology.
It's all online.
It's 2 AM and it's raining.
I think it's time to unplug myself and catch up on my own life.
It's time to sit, watch, and listen to the rain.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Getting Lost
There are places you go that you know like back of your hand. With every corner turned, you could travel ten blocks and know exactly how to get back to your starting point even by taking a completely different way.
There are certain paths with which you are familiar and comfortable, just like your hometown. But there are places you have no clue where to go and how to get back. You have to use a map and you have have to ask for directions from a stranger. But you're okay with doing so because it's normal to not know where to go in a foreign place.
Now this brings me to places you think you know so well, but come to find you are not so familiar with as you thought.
The other day I decided to go for a bike ride by myself and explore the nature trail not too far from my house. I've ridden these trails many times since I was about 7 years old. I knew my way to the nature center and back because of how many times I've taken it.
The thing was, I got lost in the woods. My first mistake was not taking the main entry way but instead wandering to a restricted dump area behind some warehouse I've never seen, and entered the trail from a side trail. However, I found an area that I was familiar with and continued on my journey to find this "hidden" pond area I was looking for. Well, funny thing is I forgot how to get there but managed to find myself at the nature center. So after I rested a little while, I decided to head back home.
But along the way, I found an area I thought was a way to the pond and then it wasn't, so I found I was really lost. Instead of going back the way I came, I decided to take a different path hoping it would lead me to a familiar place. It did. However, I found myself by the cement plant on the outside of town on top of a railroad that goes over a street. I was far too tired after riding for 3 hours to go back the way I came, so I had my dad come rescue me.
While waiting, I also managed to throw myself from my bike on a cement road.
So, how did I manage to get myself into this predicament?
Easy. Just because I think I know where I'm going, doesn't mean I won't get lost on the way. There are many paths to choose from, but not every one of them will lead me where I need to go, even if I think they will.
I could have asked people I passed where to go, but I chose not to for my own insecurity reasons, maybe? I don't know.
But this little story leads me to a good point.
I'll be living in Iowa City next year. Although I know my way through parts of campus, doesn't mean I know the whole town. Being afraid to ask how to get somewhere will allow me to lose my way.
Getting lost isn't always the best way to find your way back.
Asking questions may feel stupid, but the only way to learn your surroundings is to know when to ask for help when you get lost along the way.
There are certain paths with which you are familiar and comfortable, just like your hometown. But there are places you have no clue where to go and how to get back. You have to use a map and you have have to ask for directions from a stranger. But you're okay with doing so because it's normal to not know where to go in a foreign place.
Now this brings me to places you think you know so well, but come to find you are not so familiar with as you thought.
The other day I decided to go for a bike ride by myself and explore the nature trail not too far from my house. I've ridden these trails many times since I was about 7 years old. I knew my way to the nature center and back because of how many times I've taken it.
The thing was, I got lost in the woods. My first mistake was not taking the main entry way but instead wandering to a restricted dump area behind some warehouse I've never seen, and entered the trail from a side trail. However, I found an area that I was familiar with and continued on my journey to find this "hidden" pond area I was looking for. Well, funny thing is I forgot how to get there but managed to find myself at the nature center. So after I rested a little while, I decided to head back home.
But along the way, I found an area I thought was a way to the pond and then it wasn't, so I found I was really lost. Instead of going back the way I came, I decided to take a different path hoping it would lead me to a familiar place. It did. However, I found myself by the cement plant on the outside of town on top of a railroad that goes over a street. I was far too tired after riding for 3 hours to go back the way I came, so I had my dad come rescue me.
While waiting, I also managed to throw myself from my bike on a cement road.
So, how did I manage to get myself into this predicament?
Easy. Just because I think I know where I'm going, doesn't mean I won't get lost on the way. There are many paths to choose from, but not every one of them will lead me where I need to go, even if I think they will.
I could have asked people I passed where to go, but I chose not to for my own insecurity reasons, maybe? I don't know.
But this little story leads me to a good point.
I'll be living in Iowa City next year. Although I know my way through parts of campus, doesn't mean I know the whole town. Being afraid to ask how to get somewhere will allow me to lose my way.
Getting lost isn't always the best way to find your way back.
Asking questions may feel stupid, but the only way to learn your surroundings is to know when to ask for help when you get lost along the way.
My City
The sun beams down on my back as I walk on the sidewalk. I remember taking this road, and that road. Down this hill and through this yard.
I remember stopping at this light and entering this door.
I remember the walks.
I remember the talks.
Three years ago this July will be the last time I remember summer here. Walking by the old capitol, taking the blue route, having to sneak out the back of the dorm to check out downtown when we weren't supposed to. Shopping off campus but returning just in time for out sessions.
I remember thinking, someday this will be mine. This is where I'm meant to be.
Three years ago this July I remember catching a bite at B Dubs and buying purses at the secondhand store. I remember the rings and the shocker luv.
I remember the study sessions in the brand new facility.
I can't believe it's been three years.
Three years ago this July I was saying this will be my school.
And now the time is finally here. Finally, this is my school.
This is my building.
This is my downtown.
This is my campus.
This is my city.
This is my Iowa City.
I remember stopping at this light and entering this door.
I remember the walks.
I remember the talks.
Three years ago this July will be the last time I remember summer here. Walking by the old capitol, taking the blue route, having to sneak out the back of the dorm to check out downtown when we weren't supposed to. Shopping off campus but returning just in time for out sessions.
I remember thinking, someday this will be mine. This is where I'm meant to be.
Three years ago this July I remember catching a bite at B Dubs and buying purses at the secondhand store. I remember the rings and the shocker luv.
I remember the study sessions in the brand new facility.
I can't believe it's been three years.
Three years ago this July I was saying this will be my school.
And now the time is finally here. Finally, this is my school.
This is my building.
This is my downtown.
This is my campus.
This is my city.
This is my Iowa City.
Boom!
It hits me like a bomb to my stomach
The image is etched in my mind
The simple thought of it throws me over the edge
It bothers me to the boiling point
How could it be true?
How irritated
How angry
How upset could I possibly be?
The frown upon my face isn't enough?
The frown upon the idea doesn't stop it
The question of if it's wrong doesn't make you think?
The emptiness in my stomach even makes me throw up
The emptiness in my heart makes it pound with pain
What in your right mind makes it okay?
The lies and deception and heartache could never be enough?
The sorrow I feel isn't worth it?
It's like a bullet to the chest that doesn't bleed
It just throbs and the pain lingers
My burning tears aren't even a sign
My previous knowledge doesn't even count
The thought makes me sick to my stomach
I frown at the idea
I'm upset at the thought
It's a dive over the cliff that doesn't kill
It hits me like a bomb to my stomach
Boom! I thought I died
But the pain is still there
The image is etched in my mind
The simple thought of it throws me over the edge
It bothers me to the boiling point
How could it be true?
How irritated
How angry
How upset could I possibly be?
The frown upon my face isn't enough?
The frown upon the idea doesn't stop it
The question of if it's wrong doesn't make you think?
The emptiness in my stomach even makes me throw up
The emptiness in my heart makes it pound with pain
What in your right mind makes it okay?
The lies and deception and heartache could never be enough?
The sorrow I feel isn't worth it?
It's like a bullet to the chest that doesn't bleed
It just throbs and the pain lingers
My burning tears aren't even a sign
My previous knowledge doesn't even count
The thought makes me sick to my stomach
I frown at the idea
I'm upset at the thought
It's a dive over the cliff that doesn't kill
It hits me like a bomb to my stomach
Boom! I thought I died
But the pain is still there
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