Find Your Own Path

It's easy to think about things from the past

And it's easy to think about wanting things the way they used to be

Wishing you could just go back for one more chance and hope to make things different

Hope to change something

Hope to make things better

You think about the things you would change and tell yourself you'd still be happy now

Because even if you're not your happiest right now, there's nothing you could have done to change things from the past

Things have a way a coming true no matter the path you take

Every path has different obstacles, but no matter how you go about them, more than likely you're going to end up at the same destination

One path may have been longer or shorter

Or smoother or rougher

You never know what is the right path to take, but if you think ahead, you're probably going to end up in the same place as you are now

But this is only in the instance of when a path was chosen for you

If you want to end up in a different place than you are now, you need to fend for yourself for once

Be who you wish to be and don't worry about what others want from you or what you think they want you to be

If you keep living life for other's happiness, you'll never figure out who you truly are

Find your own path and make happiness come to you

Make your own destination

Be who you want to be

And live life for you

"I'm a Big Kid Now"

I'm not quite sure if the commercial is still on television, but when I was a little bitty girl, I loved the Pull Ups commercial and I would always sing along with the song:

"Mommy wow! I'm a big kid now!"

If you don't know this song, then holy crap I must be really old.

When I was in my potty training age, I would always sing the song when I went to the bathroom or put on my "big girl pants" because I was so proud that I was becoming a big girl.

Well, I'm becoming a big girl all over again right now and I am proud, but I am not quite as excited as I was when I was two that I would sing a song about it - I'm more terrified.

This fall, I will be attending my final year of college - final for now since I'm not going to Graduate school - and I'm excited initially when I think about graduating, but then I think, well, what the hell am I going to do when I graduate?

I don't want to have to move back home, but I don't want to be broke, so I'm going to have to get a big girl job so that I don't go broke, but maybe I could get a job and live at home, save money to get my own place away from home. But ugh, I don't want to be gone from home for two years, get comfortable living on my own and have to rely on my mom for shelter again, so I should get my own place, but what if I don't get a job to afford it?

What the hell? When did becoming a big girl get so complicated? Why can't it be as easy as sitting on a toilet and just going? Why can't there be Pull Ups there just in case? Because - Learning to use the toilet wasn't easy then, and heading into the real world isn't easy now.

On another note, in less than two weeks - holy crap, only two - I will be doing photography for a wedding. My first wedding. My first photography job where I'm actually getting paid a good chunk of change. After I met with them, I thought woo hoo! I'm so excited! This is just the kind of experience I need to put on a resume! Now it's more like, Oh my God, I've never shot a wedding before, what if I mess up? What if they don't like the photos?

It's absolutely terrifying growing up and actually getting big girl jobs, but you have to start somewhere, and you have to do it eventually.

I'm giving myself my final year of college to do some major growing up and learn to put my big girl panties on. Mommy isn't going to be there to listen to my accomplishment song and she certainly won't be there to pull them up for me. I have to be excited for myself, and if it helps, maybe I'll sing a song along the way.

What I Did in Vegas

Introduction

Not sure who doesn't know this, but last April I was in a karaoke competition held at one of my hometown's bowling alleys. The person who won got a flight and hotel paid for to head to Vegas to compete in the International Bowling Karaoke Superstar competition. And you'll never guess who won...................okay it was me. So, without further adieu, here is how my trip went down. I'll try to keep it PG-13. Seriously. There was some rated R things that went down...if you'd like to know, just ask me haha.

(PS I apologize for any grammatical and tense errors - I wrote this really fast).

Saturday

So after waiting in line for 45 minutes to check in for my flight, I am 5 minutes late for the cut-off and am put on stand by. I head up to the terminal to see if I can catch it, and they won't let me go. So there I am bawling my eyes out because I kept having dreams where I missed my flight and what happens? Ugh..not the best start to my vacay. Anyway, I end up getting my flight changed, while Chelsie waits for like 4 hours for me at the airport in Vegas.

So once we get to the hotel, I grab something to eat, we get ready to go out, grab a cab and head to this club called Tryst. We looked amazing, yet somehow no one invited us to join them inside, so we waited about 20 minutes in line. We got in for free, each bought two $12 drinks that was about 90% alcohol, and I got to dance with the pretty black boy with the V-neck sweater. I was a little too much of a crazy dancer for him I guess, so he walked away but whatever, I was having fun. A little later we end up joining these older guys that had like $1,000 bottle service, got a couple free drinks from them - then one of the guys was getting creepy on me so I gave Chelsie the signal and we scrammed. As we leave, there is a bachelor party outside, we talked to them and they invited us to go with them to a "scantily clad dancing women's facility." They had a VIP section and spent close to $1,000 on bottle service. Given we were the only girls there, they were pretty friendly (lol). I got a free dance by a lovely female, and had a blast. Got a guy's number that I really had no intent on ever talking to again, but it turns out I did the next day.

Oh PS - we were out til about 4 am and I had to be a karaoke registration the next day around 8 am. Did I make it? You betcha.

Sunday

So Sunday I got up in the morning with about 2 hours of sleep and went to sing. Considering how late I was out, I sang pretty awesomely. Sadly, I didn't make it past the first round - but some really crappy people did, so I was pissed. Given the competition was pretty stiff, I didn't think I'd make it, but I thought I was way better than some of the people that had moved on. Continuing with the day, I met Chelsie and the pool, we ate the diner in our hotel (the Stratosphere - way out in the boonies, but it was free, so no real complaints). We went out again, I called up the guy from the bachelor party and he met up with us. He showered us with drinks and a free round of Blackjack, so he pretty much saved my entire trip because I was pretty broke. He came with us to this one kind of lame club, but we got open bar for $20, so needless to say, I was pretty ill in the morning.

Monday

I lost of my contacts the night before so the entire day when Chelsie and I walked the entire strip to site see and what not, I was pretty much blind wearing my glasses from 8th grade. We had dinner at the Bellagio buffet which was AMAZING! And then we sang karaoke at Bill's where they had dollar margs (we did it the night before too). Now, my voice was heading south from all the late night venturing and previous singing, but I sang "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and got amazing feedback from the like 40 some people in the audience - too bad they weren't my judges.

Tuesday/Wednesday

So Chelsie and I get up in the morning to get something to eat and check out the observation deck of the Strat. As I'm getting ready I get an automated phone call telling me my flight to Denver was cancelled. SO - I miss my flight getting there and now I can't get back? What the deuce - I was furious. Chels and I go the lunch buffet at the Strat, go the 108th floor, then wait around for my shuttle to the airport to arrive. As I'm loading my bag onto the shuttle - around 1:40 pm when it was supposed to be at 1 AND my flight was supposed to leave at 3:50, I get a phone from the airport explaining everything the automated call had and the earliest flight to Chicago they could get me on was at 11:15 pm. SO I was furious all over again - long story short, I waited the airport for 8 hours, mostly blind, alone, tired as hell, did I mention for 8 hours? I finally got to Chicago then to Minneapolis around 7:30 am on Wednesday where my dad brought me home and I slept most of the way back. I got home, took another nap, something happens inbetween, drove back to IC pretty miserable to continue on with my life.

At least Saturday went out with a bang.

Coincidental Song

Just when I thought I was doing better today, that song plays at the bar

But you see that song isn't a mainstream song

It's not a song you hear in every bar you go to

It's a good song, nonetheless, but why did I have to be there when it played?

Why did it have to be on that CD you made?

Why did it have to be by your favorite band?

Why did it have to make me hold my head in my hands?

There's nothing like a song to pluck the pain in you heartstrings

There's nothing like a melody that can make your heart sing

But those songs that remind you of a happier time

Are the songs that make you cry when you thought you were fine

Now, you see these kinds of things I tend to read with wrongful hopes

And I know they are only but a coincidence

But sometimes I pray that there are no coincidences and there are only signs

Like the kind of sign that makes your heart jump in your throat

Like the kind of sign that could only mean one thing

That things are about to change

But when it comes to songs playing in a bar

There is nothing shouting to me that's it's a sign

Merely a coincidence

Breathing

Maybe if I stop breathing for awhile my heart won't hurt so bad

I'll just hold my breath until the pain goes away

That's all it'll take

Just a few little breaths to live

But just one long breath for my heart to shatter

So I'll hold my breath, so my heart stops hurting

So it stops breaking

With each deep breath I take, it breaks a little more

With each teardrop fallen, it breaks a little more

It takes a deep breath to make the tears go away

But then the pain comes back again

Maybe if I stop breathing for awhile my heart won't hurt this bad

Just little breaths

Just little breaths

Just enough to live

Just enough to feel okay

Broken Pieces

When your heart gets broken it's hard to feel okay

But sometimes the best thing to do is pick up the broken pieces and continue on

Know it in your head and in your heart that it was worth it because in the end you will be smarter

You will be stronger

You will be braver

And you will be better without them

Anyone who will let you go is a lesson learned

Because you need to find someone who will do whatever it takes to keep you

That's what it's all about

Finding someone who won't let you go

Finding someone who will be there for you and will never break your heart

Finding someone who will help you pick up those broken pieces and want to mend your heart back together because the very thought of you being sad makes them feel pain too

So hold those broken pieces and keep your head high because in the end you are smarter

You are stronger

You are braver

And you are better without them