Summer Snow

The days keep going by but nothing has changed

I'm still cold

The days get hotter as summer continues

But I'm still cold

I move around to try and stir up my blood to warm me

But I'm still cold

It snows

It was raining before but then it just got cold, so now it snows

Nothing has changed

Can't you see?

I'm cold

Nothing is the same without you

But the snow

The snow is still cold

And summer will never be warm again unless the sun comes out

Non-Existent

You know that feeling while driving somewhere you visit frequently where you're oblivious to everything around you, and you're pretty much on autopilot? Where by the time you get to the destination you realize you don't remember anything about the drive unless something significant happened that normally doesn't. You don't think about the speed, you don't think about turning or signalling , you just go and before you know it you're there.

Well, I had a similar feeling happen to me today. I was walking down the street to Kum & Go to return a movie to the Red Box. I wasn't thinking about anything. I wasn't paying any attention to where I was going because I've walked down and back Burlington a million times. I then looked up at one of the buildings, and I noticed the angular structure of the building around the windows - something I hadn't noticed before, and suddenly I felt like I didn't exist. I know it sounds really strange, but I literally felt like nothing around me was real and I felt like I wasn't real either. I even thought to myself - "I feel like I don't exist right now." I've been feeling so alone lately that the lack of human contact has literally got me feeling like I'm disappearing.

It wasn't until the guy in front of me was having difficulties returning his movie - as did I when I tried returning mine - when things started to feel real again. We laughed at the fact the machine was being stupid and then moved on with our lives. I walked into the Kum & Go, bought a KG Koolee, and started walking back home. As I was about to cross the street some guy in his car yelled at me - "I could really use a wish right now, and you're my wish." It gave me a good genuine laugh and I felt like I existed again.

Time Heals

They say time heals all wounds, but it's really not true. If you continue to dwell on what happened, time passing by will never simply allow you to feel better, it'll only make things worse. That's what I'm having a hard time with right now - getting through this heartache I'm going through right now. By continuing to think about the future and how hard it may be, only makes me hurt more. And having this sort of hope in the back of my mind that things will get better is making me feel worse. I keep debating with myself about what the final outcome is going to be like. Things will get better in time if you let them. But if you keep thinking - when will I finally feel better? - when am I finally going to be okay with this? - it'll just be harder to reach that goal of happiness. Time doesn't heal all wounds, it may very well prolong the pain, but if you can learn to let go of your pain, then happiness will come faster if you let it. Now, if only I could listen to my own advice.

Sad is Easy, Happy Takes Work

I'm going to put on a happy face and smile.

I'll pretend like I'm okay.

That's what people want.

No Debbie Downers near.

Don't want to rub off my sadness to others.

But trying to be happy when you're not takes work.

It's easier to be sad.

It's easy to cry and listen to sad songs.

But I'm not going to listen to sad songs.

I'm going to put on a happy song like "Love Today" by Mika.

How can you be sad listening to that song?

Oh, I can, trust me.

It's easy.

It's easier to be sad.

It's easy to cry while listening to happy songs.

But I even have a playlist called Feel Good Music for when I want to feel happy.

I have songs like "My Girl" by the Temptations and "Come On Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners on it.

But it's not really working right now.

I also have a Crying Music playlist.

With songs like "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" by John Mayer and "Gone" by *NSYNC.

It's just easier to listen to that playlist and cry.

Ironically, "Smile," the Glee version of the Charlie Chaplin song started playing while I typed this.

"Smile, though your heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking, when there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by, if you smile through your pain and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow, you'll see the sun come shining through for you."

They're very wise lyrics, a very true song for the way I'm feeling right now.

So I'll smile through my sadness, because being sad is a waste of time.

Even though it's a bit easier to be right now.

Glee

When I first heard about Glee, it was about 2 or 3 months before it even aired. I watched the pilot on Hulu and immediately fell in love with it. Why? Because I'm a show choir nerd.

Starting my senior year I was in show choir - in the Mohawk Chorale for Follies, because I love singing and dancing. While before then I was in dance and choir for most of my life, combining the two was probably one of the best decisions I ever made to do in my life.

When I got to NIACC, I tried out for the show choir there, didn't make it at first, but stayed in the concert choir because I loved singing anyway. Two weeks later, a spot opened up and I was in. And I'm not just saying this, but being in the NIACC Singers was probably one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I made amazing friends - the best friends I could probably ever have, doing and sharing a same passion as me - and I was doing something I truly loved.

After two years and our final performance, I bawled my eyes out because I was so sad it was over. But now that I'm not in show choir anymore, Glee has filled that part of my heart that was missing when my show choir career ended - for lack of a better term - it was missing glee. As some may know, I haven't been in the best mood lately, and as cheesy as it sounds, when I watch Glee, everything that I'm sad about is erased from my mind. It's just me and the characters, enjoying what they're doing and just being completely happy watching it. I couldn't ask for anything more. I own nearly every single song and when I'm feeling down, I listen to the music, and I'm happy again.

I can't imagine going through life without something that makes me as happy as music, dancing, and singing does for me. And I feel sorry for those who haven't found something like that. I'm not always a happy person, but with those sorts of things in my life, I am.

Without You

Without you, there are pieces of me missing

The part of my arms that bend when I used to wrap them around you are gone

The part of my feet that make me stand on my toes when I kiss you are shattered

Without you, there are pieces of me missing

My fingers that interlock with yours are broken into bits

My nails that would scratch your head when I massaged it are filed down to stubs

Without you, there are pieces of me missing

The pucker to my lips falls flat without yours to kiss back

My head that I would rest on your shoulder while we watched TV no longer tilts to the right

But pieces of my heart are still together

They're still beating for you

The pieces that make up my heart don't belong to me

Their with you

But without you, my heart hurts and pieces feel like their crumbling

Come to me and keep my heart from missing its pieces

Something Positive

Things are not looking up right now

But they're not looking down

We're just hovering over ground

I can pray for things to get better

I know it's summer but it feels like winter

In my heart

I just need something positive

To make me feel okay

Something positive

That'll tell me you will stay

I can't stay on the roller coaster

I can't take its up and downs

Just tell me things will turn around

And you'll be my something positive

Just the Rain

There's a thunderstorm going on

It's been going on for days now

I'm not sure when it'll stop

The lightning flashes

And I count the seconds until the thunder hits

One... two... three... four... five... six

It's not that close but I can feel it getting louder

The rain is pouring hard

There's another storm brewing

I count the seconds until the thunder hits

One... two... three... fo...

It's getting closer

I can feel it

I wish a tornado would come

Wouldn't that be exciting?

No, that would not be exciting

If it just hovered and didn't touch down

Yeah, that would be exciting

Lightning flashes

One... t...

It's here

It's been raining for days

The thunder pounds until I'm scared

I'm so scared

What's there to fear?

Thunder is just a noise

The lightning is what hurts

And oh does it hurt

What if a tornado came and sucked up the lightning?

Then there would be no thunder

Just the rain