I cannot fathom the fact that someone can forgive an act of infidelity. How can one have the thought process of negativity = untrustworthy = undeserving of forgiveness, yet somehow they're forgiven. Why would you want to continue a friendship or relationship with someone who screwed you over more than once? Why would you even think they deserve a third or fourth chance?
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
Sometimes the thought of starting anew sticks in your head. Sometimes the thought of "maybe they have changed" conquers your knowledge of why this person is unforgivable. Sometimes that person is stuck in your head without permission and you have no way of getting them out.
There will always be that one person who has changed your life in dramatic ways that it's impossible to forget them. They came into your life and turned your whole world around. In your mind, everything is perfect because you can't help but to think about how much better everything became when they walked in your front door.
You constantly think about how much you care about them. Those moments of bliss repeat over and over in your mind and they erase all the bad you know about them. You become heartbroken because you know things are different from the beginning. Then you forget about the pain because you want to believe the person from the beginning is still there.
You know why things ended, you understand that they are bad for you. He is bad for me. I don't deserve to be treated that way because I deserve better. You don't deserve me.
Stop remembering why you were happy with them and remember all the bad things. The bad conquers over the good because the ratio of bad to good is 4:1. Remember why things ended. Something bad happened...really, really BAD. Wake up, and move on.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
"The One"
I like to believe that in the world somewhere, there lives a soul mate for everyone. Whether that someone meets their soul mate is unknown. I'd like to think that meeting your one true love is in the hands of God. I believe the people that I've had relationships with were tests. They were lessons to learn from. They were examples of who not to be with, not now at least.
I'm ready for something stable. I'm ready for something real and serious. I'm sick of the guy telling me he's not feeling it anymore. I'm sick of hearing that it won't work. I want someone who wants it to work, someone that I don't have to try to make it work. If you want it to work and you believe it will, it will work but only if both people believe it.
I'm praying that I will find someone like that and I pray he will find me too. "The one" is out there for me and I believe it. But for now I'm going to continue to go through these tests that help me learn to find and keep the people who have the traits I long for in someone. I'm going to continue to learn to find good ones.
I'm ready for something stable. I'm ready for something real and serious. I'm sick of the guy telling me he's not feeling it anymore. I'm sick of hearing that it won't work. I want someone who wants it to work, someone that I don't have to try to make it work. If you want it to work and you believe it will, it will work but only if both people believe it.
I'm praying that I will find someone like that and I pray he will find me too. "The one" is out there for me and I believe it. But for now I'm going to continue to go through these tests that help me learn to find and keep the people who have the traits I long for in someone. I'm going to continue to learn to find good ones.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Back in Time
Turn back the clock to half past sorrow and a quarter to happy
When the sun was still rising and the clouds were thinning out
Back to the day when the rain was warm and the leaves crunched beneath my feet
I miss those days
When the breeze was mild enough to cool the air and chilled enough to shiver your skin
Back to when "I miss you" was a constant ringing in my ear
Turn back the clock to spinning whirls of winds that churned up the dirt and dead leaves
Back when the sun soaked my hair and my skin was still moist
Back before I gave you my all and I still had strength
Back to when you were kind
When you were still mine
But perhaps you were never mine to begin with
But I'd still like to pretend you were
I like to pretend that I could be the only one you could ever want
I want to go back there when I felt you were mine even if you weren't completely
Back to lazy days in a cozy basement in the afternoons
Back to admiring the view of your face next to mine
Back to Autumn
Back to happy
Back to you
And the real me
The me who longs to be back in time with just you
When the sun was still rising and the clouds were thinning out
Back to the day when the rain was warm and the leaves crunched beneath my feet
I miss those days
When the breeze was mild enough to cool the air and chilled enough to shiver your skin
Back to when "I miss you" was a constant ringing in my ear
Turn back the clock to spinning whirls of winds that churned up the dirt and dead leaves
Back when the sun soaked my hair and my skin was still moist
Back before I gave you my all and I still had strength
Back to when you were kind
When you were still mine
But perhaps you were never mine to begin with
But I'd still like to pretend you were
I like to pretend that I could be the only one you could ever want
I want to go back there when I felt you were mine even if you weren't completely
Back to lazy days in a cozy basement in the afternoons
Back to admiring the view of your face next to mine
Back to Autumn
Back to happy
Back to you
And the real me
The me who longs to be back in time with just you
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
For the Love of Broadway [Part 2]
In the song In His Eyes from Jekyll and Hyde the line "love is worth forgiving for" I completely agree with.
If there is someone in your life that you feel is necessary to continue to have them there, they will be. There is nothing in the world that could make you hate them. When someone does wrong, you forgive them. The one instance that doesn't work is infidelity, then they don't deserve your love and forgiveness. But when there is that special bond of love, it's worth to forgive.
In the song Written in the Stars from Aida the first part of the song really speaks to me, but especially the line "I will think, or dream of you and fail to understand how a perfect love can be confounded out of hand." Which I think means: you can be in a relationship that is going so well, but then something happens that ruins it and there is nothing you can do about it, which really sucks. I've been there. You fight so hard because you care so much, but you lose anyway.
In Hairspray, the song Without Love has simple analogies on what life would be like without love. "Without love, life is rock and roll without a drummer." In a band, I believe that in order for a song to be good, it needs a steady beat. The drummer is what gives a band it's backbone. For a good rock song, you do need a good guitarist, bassist, singer, etc. but the drum part in a song gives it something to be founded on. Every song has rhythm. The drums allow any song an opportunity to flow. It keeps everyone on the same wave. If the drummer messes up, then the whole song gets off. One wrong beat can stick out like a sore thumb. That's why without a drummer the band is incomplete.Without love, life is incomplete. Love is everywhere. Love is in everything. You don't have to be in love to love. You can still have a love for something or someone regardless your relationship status. If you don't love something, what are you living for? Without it, life is just a thing to finish and not enjoy. I don't understand how someone could go through life without love. Love is everything. Love is universal. Love is the best thing in the world.
The song Your Eyes from Rent, has one the most moving lines in a song I can think of. Every time I hear it, I choke up. Every time. "I should tell you, I should tell you, I have always loved you, you can see it in my eyes." It's just that the way he sings it, you know that he's realized how much Mimi means to him. It makes me wonder, does distance or a personal crisis really make people realize the person they were once with or the person they're having a hard time with mean more to them than they thought? Can't you just be happy with that one person and know the true meaning of their love without something bad being involved?
If there is someone in your life that you feel is necessary to continue to have them there, they will be. There is nothing in the world that could make you hate them. When someone does wrong, you forgive them. The one instance that doesn't work is infidelity, then they don't deserve your love and forgiveness. But when there is that special bond of love, it's worth to forgive.
In the song Written in the Stars from Aida the first part of the song really speaks to me, but especially the line "I will think, or dream of you and fail to understand how a perfect love can be confounded out of hand." Which I think means: you can be in a relationship that is going so well, but then something happens that ruins it and there is nothing you can do about it, which really sucks. I've been there. You fight so hard because you care so much, but you lose anyway.
In Hairspray, the song Without Love has simple analogies on what life would be like without love. "Without love, life is rock and roll without a drummer." In a band, I believe that in order for a song to be good, it needs a steady beat. The drummer is what gives a band it's backbone. For a good rock song, you do need a good guitarist, bassist, singer, etc. but the drum part in a song gives it something to be founded on. Every song has rhythm. The drums allow any song an opportunity to flow. It keeps everyone on the same wave. If the drummer messes up, then the whole song gets off. One wrong beat can stick out like a sore thumb. That's why without a drummer the band is incomplete.Without love, life is incomplete. Love is everywhere. Love is in everything. You don't have to be in love to love. You can still have a love for something or someone regardless your relationship status. If you don't love something, what are you living for? Without it, life is just a thing to finish and not enjoy. I don't understand how someone could go through life without love. Love is everything. Love is universal. Love is the best thing in the world.
The song Your Eyes from Rent, has one the most moving lines in a song I can think of. Every time I hear it, I choke up. Every time. "I should tell you, I should tell you, I have always loved you, you can see it in my eyes." It's just that the way he sings it, you know that he's realized how much Mimi means to him. It makes me wonder, does distance or a personal crisis really make people realize the person they were once with or the person they're having a hard time with mean more to them than they thought? Can't you just be happy with that one person and know the true meaning of their love without something bad being involved?
Acqua Di Gio, Cigarettes, Laundry Detergent, and a Little B.O.
Pretend like it's 1/15/09 because that's when I wrote it.
The other days Alycia, Nora, and I were at Target when we hit an aisle that they thought smelled like laundry detergent. I huffed and puffed and stormed my way from the aisle.
It smelled like him.
It wasn't a scent that would be...enjoyable I suppose...to anyone else who smelled it but it was his scent. The scent that I pick every time a draft goes by. It's not that I love the smell, it just drove me nuts that I could smell him when he wasn't even around.
Today was our first editorial board meeting for 2nd semester. As soon as I walked in the congested room and took my seat, it was there. His scent consumed the room. I'm probably the only one who noticed it. I'm probably the only one who would connect that with him. I wanted that scent to be mine again. It made me miss it. It made me miss him...UGH...
The following Tuesday I gave Ethan a hug during singers practice and he had that same scent. WTF. I had to do that whole double sniff thing to make sure that's what it was. Great, now every time I'm around him, I'm going to notice it.
Even when I went to get my T-shirt for tennis that damn scent was in the Pappjohn Office. And I noticed my shirt smelled like him later.
(Recent) There other day he sat about 3 feet away from me. I refused to glance his way. I couldn't smell him. I didn't realize I couldn't smell him until he walked away. It's like his scent is taunting me and I wish it would just leave me alone!
I can't go anywhere without that damn scent in my nose. Perhaps it's permanently lodged in there for reasons unknown to me.
The more he's around me, the more my heart aches and breaks without reason. I should be done with him by now. I should be moving on, but I steadily become weaker and weaker until I can't take it anymore. I try to be strong, I must. I know I can be. I just can't wait until I've finally moved on in my head and my nose...as well as my heart.
damn it i hate this.
The other days Alycia, Nora, and I were at Target when we hit an aisle that they thought smelled like laundry detergent. I huffed and puffed and stormed my way from the aisle.
It smelled like him.
It wasn't a scent that would be...enjoyable I suppose...to anyone else who smelled it but it was his scent. The scent that I pick every time a draft goes by. It's not that I love the smell, it just drove me nuts that I could smell him when he wasn't even around.
Today was our first editorial board meeting for 2nd semester. As soon as I walked in the congested room and took my seat, it was there. His scent consumed the room. I'm probably the only one who noticed it. I'm probably the only one who would connect that with him. I wanted that scent to be mine again. It made me miss it. It made me miss him...UGH...
The following Tuesday I gave Ethan a hug during singers practice and he had that same scent. WTF. I had to do that whole double sniff thing to make sure that's what it was. Great, now every time I'm around him, I'm going to notice it.
Even when I went to get my T-shirt for tennis that damn scent was in the Pappjohn Office. And I noticed my shirt smelled like him later.
(Recent) There other day he sat about 3 feet away from me. I refused to glance his way. I couldn't smell him. I didn't realize I couldn't smell him until he walked away. It's like his scent is taunting me and I wish it would just leave me alone!
I can't go anywhere without that damn scent in my nose. Perhaps it's permanently lodged in there for reasons unknown to me.
The more he's around me, the more my heart aches and breaks without reason. I should be done with him by now. I should be moving on, but I steadily become weaker and weaker until I can't take it anymore. I try to be strong, I must. I know I can be. I just can't wait until I've finally moved on in my head and my nose...as well as my heart.
damn it i hate this.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
In My Head
There's nothing you could say to me
To make me feel anything differently
Because no matter how hard I try
You're never too far from my mind
Get out of my head, please?
I beg of you, my mind spins with ease
Every time I look at you, I fail to be wise
Because everything I wonder about is revealed in those eyes
This heart wanders about looking for a close
However, the sorrow that I continue to own shows
In my head, this pain is already subdued
But my heart still wants to reach out and hold on to you
Everything I have ever known and understand
Shatters with a thought about that undeserving man
Even though the room is silent and words are left unsaid
Those moments we shared still dance about in my head
So in reality, your face could and will disappear
But I'll still be left wondering: what the hell happened here?
To make me feel anything differently
Because no matter how hard I try
You're never too far from my mind
Get out of my head, please?
I beg of you, my mind spins with ease
Every time I look at you, I fail to be wise
Because everything I wonder about is revealed in those eyes
This heart wanders about looking for a close
However, the sorrow that I continue to own shows
In my head, this pain is already subdued
But my heart still wants to reach out and hold on to you
Everything I have ever known and understand
Shatters with a thought about that undeserving man
Even though the room is silent and words are left unsaid
Those moments we shared still dance about in my head
So in reality, your face could and will disappear
But I'll still be left wondering: what the hell happened here?
Monday, January 19, 2009
For the Love of Broadway [Part 1]
Ever since the second semester started, I have been focusing a lot on what I want to sing for Quodlibet. I've known that the theme was Broadway pretty much since school was over last year, but I'm still debating. I know for sure that I want to sing "There Are Worst Things I Could Do" from Grease just because it's perfect for my range and I have the whole thing plotted out in my head.
Last semester, Alycia said she wanted to do "Take Me or Leave Me" from Rent with me. Now she's hesitant of doing it because April and Jana want to do it, Ryner doesn't like Rent, and it's kind of a risky song to do for a family show. So, I don't know if Alycia and I are even going to do a duet. I'd like to but I don't think our voices would blend they way the song feels. I don't know...
However, the song that I'm going to do with Lindsay, I'm very excited about. It's like it was made for us. Even the title "Secondary Characters" is like what we feel like sometimes, but for different reasons. And the whole "by the end of this song, we'll be best friends" fits perfectly considering Lindsay and I haven't always been remotely close to being best friends (except since we've been out of high school.) So, the song kind of pokes fun at that.
Anyway, considering Alycia doesn't want to do the lezbo song (lol), I've been looking up many female duets and I came across a song called "In His Eyes" from Jekyll and Hyde. I've heard of the musical before but I had never listened to any of the music before. There was one song called "Someone Like You" but I didn't really listen to it that close. However, "In His Eyes" is one of the best female duets I've ever heard. The beginning starts off mezzo piano but towards the middle, you can actually feel the love and heartache these women feel for the man/men they're singing about in their voices. Both of their voices are so powerful and they have a tremendous range. I've been listening to it over and over again and I pretty much have it memorized and I even get chills each time I listen to it.
There is a lyrics in the song that I take to heart when I listen to it. While thinking about lyrics in the song, I've decided to pick some that I often think about in other songs, name them off and write about them. But I'll hold off until later because I need to go to bed.
Last semester, Alycia said she wanted to do "Take Me or Leave Me" from Rent with me. Now she's hesitant of doing it because April and Jana want to do it, Ryner doesn't like Rent, and it's kind of a risky song to do for a family show. So, I don't know if Alycia and I are even going to do a duet. I'd like to but I don't think our voices would blend they way the song feels. I don't know...
However, the song that I'm going to do with Lindsay, I'm very excited about. It's like it was made for us. Even the title "Secondary Characters" is like what we feel like sometimes, but for different reasons. And the whole "by the end of this song, we'll be best friends" fits perfectly considering Lindsay and I haven't always been remotely close to being best friends (except since we've been out of high school.) So, the song kind of pokes fun at that.
Anyway, considering Alycia doesn't want to do the lezbo song (lol), I've been looking up many female duets and I came across a song called "In His Eyes" from Jekyll and Hyde. I've heard of the musical before but I had never listened to any of the music before. There was one song called "Someone Like You" but I didn't really listen to it that close. However, "In His Eyes" is one of the best female duets I've ever heard. The beginning starts off mezzo piano but towards the middle, you can actually feel the love and heartache these women feel for the man/men they're singing about in their voices. Both of their voices are so powerful and they have a tremendous range. I've been listening to it over and over again and I pretty much have it memorized and I even get chills each time I listen to it.
There is a lyrics in the song that I take to heart when I listen to it. While thinking about lyrics in the song, I've decided to pick some that I often think about in other songs, name them off and write about them. But I'll hold off until later because I need to go to bed.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Indifferent
Part 1:
Lately I've noticed that I've been really indifferent about things. My first instance is going to the University of Iowa next semester. I know in my head it's the right choice for my future plans with a career: journalism. It's the one school I've looked at that has a specific major for journalism. It's Journalism and Mass Communications; it's not Communications Arts, or English something or other. U of I is where I've told myself since sophomore year of high school, that is where I'm going. I used to be so excited about going and living with my best friend, but for some reason, I'm not excited and I want to be so bad. But the more I think about it, the more I think, what the fuck Kacie, what is wrong with you?
I'm even indifferent about what movies I rent. I couldn't wait to see Pineapple Express when it came to DVD; I missed seeing it in theatres. I also loved Wanted. When the choice came up about which one to get, I all of a sudden thought, oh, it doesn't really matter, I really don't care which one we get. I'm not just saying I don't care because I didn't want to have to choose, I really didn't give a shit.
I feel like I don't care about anything at all anymore.
Before Christmas, I told myself I was going to use the money I got to buy the Nikon Coolpix P80 digital camera. I couldn't wait until I had enough money to buy it and still have some extra money for my essentials. (PS: It costs $299.99 at Best Buy.)
I saved up and I had enough but I still didn't buy it. It's because I'm SO DAMN indifferent about getting it!
I keep saying I'm just going to save up for a MacBook because I need a laptop. I keep thinking about paying for summer classes. I have so many things I need to pay for but I'm not worried at all how much I'll have by the time I want to pay for everything. I need a camera, I want a camera. So, why the fuck haven't I done anything about it?
I haven't had a working camera since before Thanksgiving. Taking pictures is what I do. I used to be the chick who always had her camera on her. But guess what? I've become to indifferent that it doesn't bother me. I even don't care there have been gaps between my writings. I know it may not seem like it to some, but it feels like a while for me.
Part 2:
Writing is what I do. It doesn't matter how long it is. It doesn't matter what it's about. It doesn't matter that people are annoyed that I write so much because trust me, there are more in my journals than I have online, thank you very much. =] I have write. It releases something in me that eases my mind.
It doesn't matter how I'm feeling at the time, I can write about something that's making me feel that way, and I have no more emotion about it. It's on the paper and out of my system. If I start to feel consumed and congested with the feeling, I write again.
I'll keep on writing and writing and writing because that's what I do. That's who and what I am. So, if there's some kind of problem with it, get used to it punks. This isn't the last...
Part 1.5(?):
OK, so I may have thought that I am indifferent about everything and I can't find something I care about, but I guess I do. No, I don't guess I do, I KNOW I do. I love writing. I care about writing, a lot. Without my pen and paper, I don't know how I could get through.
Lately I've noticed that I've been really indifferent about things. My first instance is going to the University of Iowa next semester. I know in my head it's the right choice for my future plans with a career: journalism. It's the one school I've looked at that has a specific major for journalism. It's Journalism and Mass Communications; it's not Communications Arts, or English something or other. U of I is where I've told myself since sophomore year of high school, that is where I'm going. I used to be so excited about going and living with my best friend, but for some reason, I'm not excited and I want to be so bad. But the more I think about it, the more I think, what the fuck Kacie, what is wrong with you?
I'm even indifferent about what movies I rent. I couldn't wait to see Pineapple Express when it came to DVD; I missed seeing it in theatres. I also loved Wanted. When the choice came up about which one to get, I all of a sudden thought, oh, it doesn't really matter, I really don't care which one we get. I'm not just saying I don't care because I didn't want to have to choose, I really didn't give a shit.
I feel like I don't care about anything at all anymore.
Before Christmas, I told myself I was going to use the money I got to buy the Nikon Coolpix P80 digital camera. I couldn't wait until I had enough money to buy it and still have some extra money for my essentials. (PS: It costs $299.99 at Best Buy.)
I saved up and I had enough but I still didn't buy it. It's because I'm SO DAMN indifferent about getting it!
I keep saying I'm just going to save up for a MacBook because I need a laptop. I keep thinking about paying for summer classes. I have so many things I need to pay for but I'm not worried at all how much I'll have by the time I want to pay for everything. I need a camera, I want a camera. So, why the fuck haven't I done anything about it?
I haven't had a working camera since before Thanksgiving. Taking pictures is what I do. I used to be the chick who always had her camera on her. But guess what? I've become to indifferent that it doesn't bother me. I even don't care there have been gaps between my writings. I know it may not seem like it to some, but it feels like a while for me.
Part 2:
Writing is what I do. It doesn't matter how long it is. It doesn't matter what it's about. It doesn't matter that people are annoyed that I write so much because trust me, there are more in my journals than I have online, thank you very much. =] I have write. It releases something in me that eases my mind.
It doesn't matter how I'm feeling at the time, I can write about something that's making me feel that way, and I have no more emotion about it. It's on the paper and out of my system. If I start to feel consumed and congested with the feeling, I write again.
I'll keep on writing and writing and writing because that's what I do. That's who and what I am. So, if there's some kind of problem with it, get used to it punks. This isn't the last...
Part 1.5(?):
OK, so I may have thought that I am indifferent about everything and I can't find something I care about, but I guess I do. No, I don't guess I do, I KNOW I do. I love writing. I care about writing, a lot. Without my pen and paper, I don't know how I could get through.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Phases
Thursday, January 8, 2009 at 6:34pm
The other day my mom told me I was going through a phase. She thinks I'm going through a "Goth phase." Here is why she think I'm going through a phase - I got my nose pierced, I like to wear black fingernail polish once in awhile, I colored my hair pretty dark, my taste in music is expanding, I am going to get a tattoo, etc, etc...
1 - I'm not going through a "Goth phase." If I were, it would be much more extreme than black fingernail polish. I don't think I'm going through much of a phase at all. I get bored with my everyday life and change something about it.
2 - I like changing my look. I like discovering new things. I enjoy getting a rise out of people when they've seen what I've done to myself.If I'm going through a "phase," cool, whatever.
I'm at a point in my life where I'm trying to develop, discover, sense and enjoy who I really am. It's the perfect time to do so. You shouldn't do that in high school and you should try not to after college.
High school is when you think it's the real "days of our lives.” You think it's a time when everything will fall into place. It's supposed to be the "best time of your life," but it's not. You've still got a lot of maturing to do physically, emotionally, and mentally. It's not the best time for changing who you are because you're still growing up. High school of course is a time to prepare yourself for college but it's also a time to relax and have fun. After high school is when real life hits.
College is the best time for phases. You discover who your true friends are, you discover what your true passions are, and most of all you discover who you are. That's what phases are for. You're not going to know right away, but you have those four years to develop who you are and want to be.
That's what I'm doing. I've been through a lot of tough things in the last couple of years, but guess what, I'm going to go through a hell of a lot more.
There's time where I feel like I need to be ready to start my "life" already, but I still have two years of college to get through. I sometimes wish I could just find the love of my life, find a job that I love, and settle with that forever. But I'm not going to settle. No one should just settle. Sure two years aren't much left, but they're still two years that I have left to feel young.
I'm not ready for "my life" to begin yet; I'm still discovering me. That's why I say college is perfect for phases. Once college is over, "real world" situations hit. Mom and Dad won't be there to help you off your feet for very much longer. You live on your own, trying to find a job that you possibly will stick with for the majority of your life, and finally get married and start a family, maybe.
Right now, I may actually be going through a phase, but I don't care. At least I'm trying something new. I don't want to be realizing what I want and who I am too late.And now that I'm finishing this up, I'm thinking like a hypocrite. In all reality, maybe the one phase I go through where I finally discover me, happens after college. I have my whole life in front of me to make the best of what is supposed to happen for me. And you know, I'm fine with that.
The other day my mom told me I was going through a phase. She thinks I'm going through a "Goth phase." Here is why she think I'm going through a phase - I got my nose pierced, I like to wear black fingernail polish once in awhile, I colored my hair pretty dark, my taste in music is expanding, I am going to get a tattoo, etc, etc...
1 - I'm not going through a "Goth phase." If I were, it would be much more extreme than black fingernail polish. I don't think I'm going through much of a phase at all. I get bored with my everyday life and change something about it.
2 - I like changing my look. I like discovering new things. I enjoy getting a rise out of people when they've seen what I've done to myself.If I'm going through a "phase," cool, whatever.
I'm at a point in my life where I'm trying to develop, discover, sense and enjoy who I really am. It's the perfect time to do so. You shouldn't do that in high school and you should try not to after college.
High school is when you think it's the real "days of our lives.” You think it's a time when everything will fall into place. It's supposed to be the "best time of your life," but it's not. You've still got a lot of maturing to do physically, emotionally, and mentally. It's not the best time for changing who you are because you're still growing up. High school of course is a time to prepare yourself for college but it's also a time to relax and have fun. After high school is when real life hits.
College is the best time for phases. You discover who your true friends are, you discover what your true passions are, and most of all you discover who you are. That's what phases are for. You're not going to know right away, but you have those four years to develop who you are and want to be.
That's what I'm doing. I've been through a lot of tough things in the last couple of years, but guess what, I'm going to go through a hell of a lot more.
There's time where I feel like I need to be ready to start my "life" already, but I still have two years of college to get through. I sometimes wish I could just find the love of my life, find a job that I love, and settle with that forever. But I'm not going to settle. No one should just settle. Sure two years aren't much left, but they're still two years that I have left to feel young.
I'm not ready for "my life" to begin yet; I'm still discovering me. That's why I say college is perfect for phases. Once college is over, "real world" situations hit. Mom and Dad won't be there to help you off your feet for very much longer. You live on your own, trying to find a job that you possibly will stick with for the majority of your life, and finally get married and start a family, maybe.
Right now, I may actually be going through a phase, but I don't care. At least I'm trying something new. I don't want to be realizing what I want and who I am too late.And now that I'm finishing this up, I'm thinking like a hypocrite. In all reality, maybe the one phase I go through where I finally discover me, happens after college. I have my whole life in front of me to make the best of what is supposed to happen for me. And you know, I'm fine with that.
I Died Today
Tuesday, January 6, 2009 at 7:42pm
The other night I had a dream where I went skiing with my dad and my sister. I fell in the snow and as I'm lying there, a spinning blade-like fan comes at my face, chops my face off, and I die. I arrive home with my dad and sister and realize I'm dead. It's a weird dream, but stay with me.
The crazy thing is that in my dream, I had 24 hours to call and see the people that I love and feel are most important in my life. The people who don't really matter can't hear or see me.
The very first person on the scene was Jordan. When she arrived at my house, I told her I was dead. She seemed a little confused so I turned to my dad and asked, "Are you sure I'm dead?" He confirmed that I was. She didn't show any emotion whatsoever, she just rather sat there in awe.
The next person that came to my house was Matt. I didn't call him. No one told him I was dead. He was just there. It's as if he knew he had to be there. He sat there and just kept staring at me and then back at the floor not knowing what to do or think.
The next person I called was Alyssah. She answered the phone and I began telling her she needed to come over but she couldn't hear me. I started freaking out. She had to be there; there was no way that she couldn't be there. I hung up the phone and immediately told Jordan to call her.
As Jordan called Alyssah, I called Kevin; he wouldn't answer. I called time and time again, but he still wouldn't answer. I finally gave up because there was no use anymore, I couldn't get through to him.
As I finally hung up my phone, Alyssah arrived. I looked at my dad and asked again, "Are you really sure I'm dead?" He said yes. I looked at Alyssah and said, "I'm dead." I've never seen her cry like that before. It killed me so bad to see her like that. I keep telling her it's going to be alright, but she keeps crying.
I go outside and wait for my mom to come home from work and standing on the corner, I see Alex. I yell for her but she doesn't respond. I run to her but she doesn't see me. I stand directly in front of her and she walks away. It truly broke my heart that she didn't know, and there was nothing I could do about it.
I went back to my house and then I called Alycia. I told her to grab Lindsay and some over right away. Without any hesitation whatsoever, she said okay. I was kind of in shock that she didn't ask any questions, she just said, okay. As they arrived, I kept thinking that Nora needed to be there. I wanted to call her but I knew she wouldn't be able to come over because she was in Minnesota. I kept freaking out and I started to cry because she was too far away. Before I could call her or think of calling anyone else, I woke up.
In my dream I kept telling myself it was all my fault that I died because I kept thinking about who would really care and who would be there if I died.
As morbid as that sounds, I sometimes wonder, who would come to my funeral if I died tomorrow? And I know for a fact that anyone at their lowest days has thought that to themselves before.
My dream gave me an excuse to think about those I truly care about and I wonder if they care the same amount for me.
Everyone in my dream are people who are some of the most wonderful people I've met and I don't know what I would do without them in my life.
Those of you who weren't in my dream but I tagged, know you are some of my favorite people I've ever known. I'm truly blessed to have known you and when the day comes that we part, know you will always have a special place in my heart.
(Obviously this was meant for facebook.)
The other night I had a dream where I went skiing with my dad and my sister. I fell in the snow and as I'm lying there, a spinning blade-like fan comes at my face, chops my face off, and I die. I arrive home with my dad and sister and realize I'm dead. It's a weird dream, but stay with me.
The crazy thing is that in my dream, I had 24 hours to call and see the people that I love and feel are most important in my life. The people who don't really matter can't hear or see me.
The very first person on the scene was Jordan. When she arrived at my house, I told her I was dead. She seemed a little confused so I turned to my dad and asked, "Are you sure I'm dead?" He confirmed that I was. She didn't show any emotion whatsoever, she just rather sat there in awe.
The next person that came to my house was Matt. I didn't call him. No one told him I was dead. He was just there. It's as if he knew he had to be there. He sat there and just kept staring at me and then back at the floor not knowing what to do or think.
The next person I called was Alyssah. She answered the phone and I began telling her she needed to come over but she couldn't hear me. I started freaking out. She had to be there; there was no way that she couldn't be there. I hung up the phone and immediately told Jordan to call her.
As Jordan called Alyssah, I called Kevin; he wouldn't answer. I called time and time again, but he still wouldn't answer. I finally gave up because there was no use anymore, I couldn't get through to him.
As I finally hung up my phone, Alyssah arrived. I looked at my dad and asked again, "Are you really sure I'm dead?" He said yes. I looked at Alyssah and said, "I'm dead." I've never seen her cry like that before. It killed me so bad to see her like that. I keep telling her it's going to be alright, but she keeps crying.
I go outside and wait for my mom to come home from work and standing on the corner, I see Alex. I yell for her but she doesn't respond. I run to her but she doesn't see me. I stand directly in front of her and she walks away. It truly broke my heart that she didn't know, and there was nothing I could do about it.
I went back to my house and then I called Alycia. I told her to grab Lindsay and some over right away. Without any hesitation whatsoever, she said okay. I was kind of in shock that she didn't ask any questions, she just said, okay. As they arrived, I kept thinking that Nora needed to be there. I wanted to call her but I knew she wouldn't be able to come over because she was in Minnesota. I kept freaking out and I started to cry because she was too far away. Before I could call her or think of calling anyone else, I woke up.
In my dream I kept telling myself it was all my fault that I died because I kept thinking about who would really care and who would be there if I died.
As morbid as that sounds, I sometimes wonder, who would come to my funeral if I died tomorrow? And I know for a fact that anyone at their lowest days has thought that to themselves before.
My dream gave me an excuse to think about those I truly care about and I wonder if they care the same amount for me.
Everyone in my dream are people who are some of the most wonderful people I've met and I don't know what I would do without them in my life.
Those of you who weren't in my dream but I tagged, know you are some of my favorite people I've ever known. I'm truly blessed to have known you and when the day comes that we part, know you will always have a special place in my heart.
(Obviously this was meant for facebook.)
How Can I Say I'm Sorry, Let Me Count the Ways
Wednesday, December 31, 2008 at 12:18am
How can it be a lesson learned when I have yet to know the lesson taught? There are some things that I have a hard time understanding, but somehow I come to figure them out anyway. But when I am left with no clue as to what my crime was, my comprehension is slim to none.
I would apologize a thousand times and continue to ask for forgiveness if there was something I knew I was guilty for. I would understand why I caused you pain. I would understand the fact that I don’t deserve to ever hear your voice again. I would not expect to have a second chance. I would not expect forgiveness. But how can I say I’m sorry? How can I apologize to you when you’re the one who caused me pain. I shouldn’t have given you a second chance. I shouldn’t have accepted your one thousand apologies.
So how can I say I’m sorry? Let me count the ways…I’m sorry to my aching heart because I fight too hard to retain love when the love I seek is empty.
I’m sorry that you’re completely oblivious to the false accusations put upon me.
I’m sorry for ever letting my wall down again, and again, and again knowing it was the one thing that was protecting my heart.
I’m sorry you think I’m guilty for causing you pain when I was only returning the favor.
I’m sorry to the people who know how I feel because I’m sure you’ve done this to them as well.
I’m sorry for not listening to my friends and now they’re allowed to say, “I told you so.”
But most of all I’m sorry I ever thought you would change. That you could ever know how much pain you’ve put me through in such a short amount of time.
You think that all you do is justified by the words you write but it’s not enough. Words written and words spoken mean nothing when there is no action done to back them up. You think I’m surprised this happened, but there’s no real surprise in my mind, just confirmation. The signs were clear right away that you were no good for me, yet I saw past them.
I can say I’m not holding on anymore and I can say I shed no tears. However, my sorrow is real and mine to own but the sorrow you hold is undeserved. It’s not meant for you. You don’t deserve to feel sorrow when all you left me with is brokenness. You have no right in owning a broken heart. You only deserve what you have delivered. And what you’ve delivered was a beautiful performance of pain and guilt. But I no longer believe you. Yeah, you’re a good actor, baby, that much is true. So good that you got a standing ovation from me.
But if all I say is false then let me know, I sure would like to know the truth, after all, I deserve the truth. But the truth you hold will never be revealed because you’re too proud to come clean. You’re too immature and insecure to own up to how you really feel. So continue to hold your tongue, sir, because the message is clear when no words are involved.
How can it be a lesson learned when I have yet to know the lesson taught? There are some things that I have a hard time understanding, but somehow I come to figure them out anyway. But when I am left with no clue as to what my crime was, my comprehension is slim to none.
I would apologize a thousand times and continue to ask for forgiveness if there was something I knew I was guilty for. I would understand why I caused you pain. I would understand the fact that I don’t deserve to ever hear your voice again. I would not expect to have a second chance. I would not expect forgiveness. But how can I say I’m sorry? How can I apologize to you when you’re the one who caused me pain. I shouldn’t have given you a second chance. I shouldn’t have accepted your one thousand apologies.
So how can I say I’m sorry? Let me count the ways…I’m sorry to my aching heart because I fight too hard to retain love when the love I seek is empty.
I’m sorry that you’re completely oblivious to the false accusations put upon me.
I’m sorry for ever letting my wall down again, and again, and again knowing it was the one thing that was protecting my heart.
I’m sorry you think I’m guilty for causing you pain when I was only returning the favor.
I’m sorry to the people who know how I feel because I’m sure you’ve done this to them as well.
I’m sorry for not listening to my friends and now they’re allowed to say, “I told you so.”
But most of all I’m sorry I ever thought you would change. That you could ever know how much pain you’ve put me through in such a short amount of time.
You think that all you do is justified by the words you write but it’s not enough. Words written and words spoken mean nothing when there is no action done to back them up. You think I’m surprised this happened, but there’s no real surprise in my mind, just confirmation. The signs were clear right away that you were no good for me, yet I saw past them.
I can say I’m not holding on anymore and I can say I shed no tears. However, my sorrow is real and mine to own but the sorrow you hold is undeserved. It’s not meant for you. You don’t deserve to feel sorrow when all you left me with is brokenness. You have no right in owning a broken heart. You only deserve what you have delivered. And what you’ve delivered was a beautiful performance of pain and guilt. But I no longer believe you. Yeah, you’re a good actor, baby, that much is true. So good that you got a standing ovation from me.
But if all I say is false then let me know, I sure would like to know the truth, after all, I deserve the truth. But the truth you hold will never be revealed because you’re too proud to come clean. You’re too immature and insecure to own up to how you really feel. So continue to hold your tongue, sir, because the message is clear when no words are involved.
Wishing You the Best
Monday, December 29, 2008 at 9:28pm
I hope the next time you hear my name it causes your heart pain.
I hope the next time you see my face your world crumbles beneath your feet.
I hope the next girl you give your heart to breaks it twice.
I hope she dangles your emotions on a string and then lets go.
I hope you feel your heart beating in your throat so that you will choke on it and feel the downfall of your soul.
I hope you come to realize that the hearts you still own never were meant for you in the first place.
I hope the actuality of how many people you've broken haunt you in your sleep, so that you wake up in a cold sweat feeling the wrong you've done.
But aside from that, I wish you nothing but the best.
I hope the next time you hear my name it causes your heart pain.
I hope the next time you see my face your world crumbles beneath your feet.
I hope the next girl you give your heart to breaks it twice.
I hope she dangles your emotions on a string and then lets go.
I hope you feel your heart beating in your throat so that you will choke on it and feel the downfall of your soul.
I hope you come to realize that the hearts you still own never were meant for you in the first place.
I hope the actuality of how many people you've broken haunt you in your sleep, so that you wake up in a cold sweat feeling the wrong you've done.
But aside from that, I wish you nothing but the best.
Life Sucks Sometimes
Friday, December 26, 2008 at 2:40pm
Watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button not only made me cry a lot, but also made me think a lot.
It made me think that in life, there are going to be many people that come and go, but it's part of the cycle of life.
It made me think there will be many experiences that you will learn from, no matter how old you are.
There will be people that you care deeply about and if the relationship is meant to be, fate will keep the bond.
Those people that truly care will always find a way to stay in your life.
You will realize the ones that don't matter, even if they make you think they do, with time, you will see things are better without them.
Even though this movie was highly unrealistic, the messages are as realistic as life could possibly be.
It proved that true love always finds a place in your heart no matter the circumstance.
It portrayed an honesty that one could only hope for in people.
It proved there are people in this world worth sitcking around for.
It proved no matter how hard the battle, whether it be in relationships, at work, at home, or your own personal battles with time and yourself, if something is important enough, it's worth fighting to the finish.
Even though there are things and people in this world that cause you pain, you can always remember that things get better if you let them.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes what happens isn't always what you want, but that's how you learn to find things that you do want.
Life sucks sometimes, everyone knows that.
But when you stay strong and keep your head up, what is meant to be will come to you easier than you think. It just takes time.
Watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button not only made me cry a lot, but also made me think a lot.
It made me think that in life, there are going to be many people that come and go, but it's part of the cycle of life.
It made me think there will be many experiences that you will learn from, no matter how old you are.
There will be people that you care deeply about and if the relationship is meant to be, fate will keep the bond.
Those people that truly care will always find a way to stay in your life.
You will realize the ones that don't matter, even if they make you think they do, with time, you will see things are better without them.
Even though this movie was highly unrealistic, the messages are as realistic as life could possibly be.
It proved that true love always finds a place in your heart no matter the circumstance.
It portrayed an honesty that one could only hope for in people.
It proved there are people in this world worth sitcking around for.
It proved no matter how hard the battle, whether it be in relationships, at work, at home, or your own personal battles with time and yourself, if something is important enough, it's worth fighting to the finish.
Even though there are things and people in this world that cause you pain, you can always remember that things get better if you let them.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes what happens isn't always what you want, but that's how you learn to find things that you do want.
Life sucks sometimes, everyone knows that.
But when you stay strong and keep your head up, what is meant to be will come to you easier than you think. It just takes time.
Your Soundtrack
Thursday, December 25, 2008 at 2:55pm
The dust covers the top because it hasn't been used in a while.
Actually that's a lie, I use it everyday, but somehow it collects dust as if it sits whining to be played.
I plug in my 3rd grader's choice of a music player: my boombox.
I like to kick it old school like that.
Actually, that's a lie too. I just don't own an mp3 player and it sits conveniently on the back of the toilet as I collect myself for the upcoming day(s).
I put in CD's. Sometimes I listen to your soundtrack.
I like to think of reasons you chose what you did. Probably just what you were into at the time, no real meaning.
I listen to your soundtrack because it's a piece of you that I'm allowed to own.
Each lyric in each song is easily related to how I feel about you, or in general, or just my mood at the time.
I listen to your soundtrack because it allows me to think I'm special.
It allows me to think it was made especially for my well-being.
I listen to your soundtrack because it makes me think I can understand you more.
I analyze the lyrics and perhaps they're a reflection on who you are, perhaps not.
That's the hard thing. I can't tell if the music is you, or you are the music.
I like to imagine you are the music.
When I listen, it's like you're there placing the melodies in my heart.
I listen to your soundtrack because it lets me hold on to you.
I'll continue to hold on.
I'll continue to listen.
Listening is the easiest.
Interpreting the words is what gets me.
The dust covers the top because it hasn't been used in a while.
Actually that's a lie, I use it everyday, but somehow it collects dust as if it sits whining to be played.
I plug in my 3rd grader's choice of a music player: my boombox.
I like to kick it old school like that.
Actually, that's a lie too. I just don't own an mp3 player and it sits conveniently on the back of the toilet as I collect myself for the upcoming day(s).
I put in CD's. Sometimes I listen to your soundtrack.
I like to think of reasons you chose what you did. Probably just what you were into at the time, no real meaning.
I listen to your soundtrack because it's a piece of you that I'm allowed to own.
Each lyric in each song is easily related to how I feel about you, or in general, or just my mood at the time.
I listen to your soundtrack because it allows me to think I'm special.
It allows me to think it was made especially for my well-being.
I listen to your soundtrack because it makes me think I can understand you more.
I analyze the lyrics and perhaps they're a reflection on who you are, perhaps not.
That's the hard thing. I can't tell if the music is you, or you are the music.
I like to imagine you are the music.
When I listen, it's like you're there placing the melodies in my heart.
I listen to your soundtrack because it lets me hold on to you.
I'll continue to hold on.
I'll continue to listen.
Listening is the easiest.
Interpreting the words is what gets me.
Owning Up
Wednesday, December 24, 2008 at 10:00pm
In the words of Kevin Mason:"The choice to completely let someone take over all of your thoughts and dreams is really not much of a choice at all. It's a synapse that fires at will, pushing you head over heels and into the great beyond..."
That's just the thing. I've fallen head over heels into the great beyond and I'm stuck there. But I don't care. I'm willingly surrendering myself into this great, great beyond. I'm head over heels, crazy, and I can't think about anyone else, and it's all for you. I'm torn limb from limb, yet I'm still crawling to what I think is forgiveness.
I'm out of the shadows that I once hid in because I was afraid of the light. I was afraid to open up. But now that I have nothing to hide, I've been plastered against the wall with all this blame. Blame I have no purpose in owning up to. I have no shame, yet I'm feeling like I'm guilty. Like I've done something wrong. The only thing wrong I've done...I've not done wrong, I've done right...I have expressed my aching heart to you but it's never enough. Never good enough...
In the words of Kevin Mason:"The choice to completely let someone take over all of your thoughts and dreams is really not much of a choice at all. It's a synapse that fires at will, pushing you head over heels and into the great beyond..."
That's just the thing. I've fallen head over heels into the great beyond and I'm stuck there. But I don't care. I'm willingly surrendering myself into this great, great beyond. I'm head over heels, crazy, and I can't think about anyone else, and it's all for you. I'm torn limb from limb, yet I'm still crawling to what I think is forgiveness.
I'm out of the shadows that I once hid in because I was afraid of the light. I was afraid to open up. But now that I have nothing to hide, I've been plastered against the wall with all this blame. Blame I have no purpose in owning up to. I have no shame, yet I'm feeling like I'm guilty. Like I've done something wrong. The only thing wrong I've done...I've not done wrong, I've done right...I have expressed my aching heart to you but it's never enough. Never good enough...
Believing
Friday, December 19, 2008 at 1:02pm
Tell me everything's going to be alright, and I'll believe you.
I want to believe, but I can't.
I can't allow myself to open my heart like that.
I keep this shell around me because I know you can't break it.
No matter how hard you try, it can't break.
I won't let it.
This is my way for protecting myself from pain.
The pain I know you exude.
Lovers of the past sing songs in your heart.
Melodies which I cannot compete against.
The words are too powerful.
Therefore, I give up.
I cannot win against those words because the words reflect your heart.
The heart I long to capture, yet, I can't.
I've come to realize this and that's the foundation of my shell.
The pain I've felt and the realization you can never be mine completely, make up the walls.
And that's why you'll never be able to break it.
It's composed of you.
The only way to break it, is to break yourself.
Open up to me and I'm all yours.
Don't be afraid because everything's going to be alright.
You just have to believe me.
Tell me everything's going to be alright, and I'll believe you.
I want to believe, but I can't.
I can't allow myself to open my heart like that.
I keep this shell around me because I know you can't break it.
No matter how hard you try, it can't break.
I won't let it.
This is my way for protecting myself from pain.
The pain I know you exude.
Lovers of the past sing songs in your heart.
Melodies which I cannot compete against.
The words are too powerful.
Therefore, I give up.
I cannot win against those words because the words reflect your heart.
The heart I long to capture, yet, I can't.
I've come to realize this and that's the foundation of my shell.
The pain I've felt and the realization you can never be mine completely, make up the walls.
And that's why you'll never be able to break it.
It's composed of you.
The only way to break it, is to break yourself.
Open up to me and I'm all yours.
Don't be afraid because everything's going to be alright.
You just have to believe me.
I Feel Old Sometimes
Thursday, December 18, 2008 at 11:05pm
I have a hard time opening up to people.
I have a hard time trusting people.
I have this problem letting my guard down.
I don't want people to take advantage of me.
I don't like pain.I can't be hurt anymore.
It seems like every realtionship I've been in has ended in tears.
Everytime I like someone, he decides he can't be with me anymore.
For once I want to be with someone who falls head over heels in love with me.
"It’s got to be that can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of stuff."
I've never known what it's like for someone to tell me he's madly in love with me.
Sometimes I feel like I never will.
But I'm only 20 years old.
Yet, people I went to high school with are getting married.
Some already have kids...even multiple kids.
Is the world moving faster than I am?
Am I really living this life?
Where has my youth gone?
Why haven't I found anyone yet that makes me think I could live forever with?
I have a hard time opening up to people.
I have a hard time trusting people.
I have this problem letting my guard down.
I don't want people to take advantage of me.
I don't like pain.I can't be hurt anymore.
It seems like every realtionship I've been in has ended in tears.
Everytime I like someone, he decides he can't be with me anymore.
For once I want to be with someone who falls head over heels in love with me.
"It’s got to be that can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of stuff."
I've never known what it's like for someone to tell me he's madly in love with me.
Sometimes I feel like I never will.
But I'm only 20 years old.
Yet, people I went to high school with are getting married.
Some already have kids...even multiple kids.
Is the world moving faster than I am?
Am I really living this life?
Where has my youth gone?
Why haven't I found anyone yet that makes me think I could live forever with?
Fuck Winter
Friday, December 5, 2008 at 11:53am
As the shadows of winter approach
With the cold and bitter crispness of each morning
I look to see the clouds covering my sun
The sun that lit up my day
The warmth I once felt beaming on me is gone
I long for a brighter horizon
I wait for the coming of spring
I want a new start
I long for the days I once had
Those days before winter froze my heart
And now all I feel is cold
All I see is a blank path
All I know is a cold heart that yearns for the colors of warmth again
As the shadows of winter approach
With the cold and bitter crispness of each morning
I look to see the clouds covering my sun
The sun that lit up my day
The warmth I once felt beaming on me is gone
I long for a brighter horizon
I wait for the coming of spring
I want a new start
I long for the days I once had
Those days before winter froze my heart
And now all I feel is cold
All I see is a blank path
All I know is a cold heart that yearns for the colors of warmth again
Losing
Tuesday, December 2, 2008 at 2:59pm
I’m lost
My heart dangles on a string
Hopes shattered as my eyes bleed
My dreams are broken
I’m lost
My heart dangles on a string
Hopes shattered as my eyes bleed
My dreams are broken
I was hoping I would be happy again
But everything I saw was a lie
Nothing more than high hopes
And sometimes my heart is empty
So then it cries and floods with tears
And then it’s heavy and sinks
And sometimes I’m a little confused
And I think I’m happy because it feels full
But it’s full of sadness
Not full of joy
Not full of love
Maybe I’m just crazy
I’m wasting away in this life I once loved
But everything I saw was a lie
Nothing more than high hopes
And sometimes my heart is empty
So then it cries and floods with tears
And then it’s heavy and sinks
And sometimes I’m a little confused
And I think I’m happy because it feels full
But it’s full of sadness
Not full of joy
Not full of love
Maybe I’m just crazy
I’m wasting away in this life I once loved
Autumn's Redemption
Thursday, November 6, 2008 at 5:40pm
I step outside and feel the chilled brisk air against my skin
The light mist on my face tells a story
The story of a winter creeping
The trees are nothing but a used-to-be
I once had a vision of a rainbow in my eyes
Reds
Greens
Yellows
Now all I see is grey
Brown
A dirty street
The sky cries with cloudy tears
The pavement below my feet runs cold with pollution
Frost is trickling through the fallen leaves
The sun hides from fat clouds of bitterness
It sleeps leaving me with a doubt in my mind
The doubt it will never return
Autumn is begging for redemption
I step outside and feel the chilled brisk air against my skin
The light mist on my face tells a story
The story of a winter creeping
The trees are nothing but a used-to-be
I once had a vision of a rainbow in my eyes
Reds
Greens
Yellows
Now all I see is grey
Brown
A dirty street
The sky cries with cloudy tears
The pavement below my feet runs cold with pollution
Frost is trickling through the fallen leaves
The sun hides from fat clouds of bitterness
It sleeps leaving me with a doubt in my mind
The doubt it will never return
Autumn is begging for redemption
The Broken Wall
Saturday, October 4, 2008 at 8:03pm
I broke down the wall I built to protect myself from anything that could hurt me. I broke down the wall for you because I felt I could trust what you had to offer. I let my heart fall onto the floor hoping you would pick it up and protect it. Everything I have ever learned about what to do, or what not to do vanished from my mind, and I started thinking with my heart. I refused to think with my head because I believed what I wanted could only come if I fell victim to what my heart desired. But that’s exactly what I was: a victim. I was a victim to this so-called fantasy world of love and hope with so many visions of what I could retrieve from it. I wanted someone who would care for me no matter what I did or how I behaved and you gave me that feeling of wholeness. But it wasn’t enough.
Soon, what I wanted had disappeared, but I didn’t care. I felt if I gave what I wanted, then I would receive it back in full. You didn’t know what I wanted and you couldn’t offer what I needed, you wouldn’t. But in my fantasy world, I thought I had what I wanted. I thought I had what I needed. I was yours and I thought that was all I needed. But then, my fantasy soon turned into a reality I wasn’t prepared for. A reality I knew was crumbling to ground, much like the wall I broke down for you. It was all for you but you were too blind to realize what was in front of your face and the sacrifices I’ve made. You didn’t appreciate everything I had given up for you. You didn’t consider anything I felt for you. What I felt, what I feel is an emotion meant for two people and not just a single heart.
The decision I made was a mistake. It was a decision I knew I could never take back. And now I can’t find the strength to take those deteriorated bricks and put them back together. I can’t find the wall I once had. I let my heart get in the way of what I knew was best for me and no one else. I forgot everything I knew about falling…and I’ve fallen long and hard into a hole I can’t get out of. I can’t pretend as if I can easily climb unharmed. I can’t pretend anymore that I’m okay because I’m not. I’m not okay. And all I have left is a broken wall and a broken heart that I’m no longer the owner of.
I broke down the wall I built to protect myself from anything that could hurt me. I broke down the wall for you because I felt I could trust what you had to offer. I let my heart fall onto the floor hoping you would pick it up and protect it. Everything I have ever learned about what to do, or what not to do vanished from my mind, and I started thinking with my heart. I refused to think with my head because I believed what I wanted could only come if I fell victim to what my heart desired. But that’s exactly what I was: a victim. I was a victim to this so-called fantasy world of love and hope with so many visions of what I could retrieve from it. I wanted someone who would care for me no matter what I did or how I behaved and you gave me that feeling of wholeness. But it wasn’t enough.
Soon, what I wanted had disappeared, but I didn’t care. I felt if I gave what I wanted, then I would receive it back in full. You didn’t know what I wanted and you couldn’t offer what I needed, you wouldn’t. But in my fantasy world, I thought I had what I wanted. I thought I had what I needed. I was yours and I thought that was all I needed. But then, my fantasy soon turned into a reality I wasn’t prepared for. A reality I knew was crumbling to ground, much like the wall I broke down for you. It was all for you but you were too blind to realize what was in front of your face and the sacrifices I’ve made. You didn’t appreciate everything I had given up for you. You didn’t consider anything I felt for you. What I felt, what I feel is an emotion meant for two people and not just a single heart.
The decision I made was a mistake. It was a decision I knew I could never take back. And now I can’t find the strength to take those deteriorated bricks and put them back together. I can’t find the wall I once had. I let my heart get in the way of what I knew was best for me and no one else. I forgot everything I knew about falling…and I’ve fallen long and hard into a hole I can’t get out of. I can’t pretend as if I can easily climb unharmed. I can’t pretend anymore that I’m okay because I’m not. I’m not okay. And all I have left is a broken wall and a broken heart that I’m no longer the owner of.
I Lost Everything
Tuesday, December 18, 2007 at 4:37pm
If there were ever a choice that I had to make where the result didn’t hurt anyone, I would choose not to choose. I would hide my pain and I would let it slip by. It seems with every heartbeat, I grow weaker and weaker and the only thing that can reverse my pain is you. You’re the reason my heart aches everyday and it’s because of the choice that was made. It was a choice that I wish I never had to make because the pain is so excruciating. In my mind, I pretend it didn’t happen just to avoid the tears and the loneliness. I try to stop thinking of you and everything we shared together but you meant so much to me that I can’t. I can’t rid you from my mind because if I do, I don’t know what else to do. With every waking minute, I fantasize about the time we once shared, a time that is forever behind us. I try to accept the fact that love is lost and no longer mine.
Wishing no longer exists.
Love is but a phrase.
Satisfaction cannot be completed.
Happiness is no longer an option.
The pain is real.
What my heart has to offer is vital.
You are blind to what I have sacrificed for you.
I gave you my heart, I rediscovered trust, and I lost everything. I lost my heart and the bliss I once felt. I’m unable to feel satisfaction. I’m unable to let go of the past. I can’t open up to anything new. I want to be happy. I want to live again. I just don’t want to hurt anymore.
Anyone you give your heart to, I hope they accept it with everything they are. I wish you a world full of joy and love and I hope you feel contentment. If in the end you reside alone, know I’ll always be there, I’ll always have a place in my heart for you, and I’ll always have love to give.
If there were ever a choice that I had to make where the result didn’t hurt anyone, I would choose not to choose. I would hide my pain and I would let it slip by. It seems with every heartbeat, I grow weaker and weaker and the only thing that can reverse my pain is you. You’re the reason my heart aches everyday and it’s because of the choice that was made. It was a choice that I wish I never had to make because the pain is so excruciating. In my mind, I pretend it didn’t happen just to avoid the tears and the loneliness. I try to stop thinking of you and everything we shared together but you meant so much to me that I can’t. I can’t rid you from my mind because if I do, I don’t know what else to do. With every waking minute, I fantasize about the time we once shared, a time that is forever behind us. I try to accept the fact that love is lost and no longer mine.
Wishing no longer exists.
Love is but a phrase.
Satisfaction cannot be completed.
Happiness is no longer an option.
The pain is real.
What my heart has to offer is vital.
You are blind to what I have sacrificed for you.
I gave you my heart, I rediscovered trust, and I lost everything. I lost my heart and the bliss I once felt. I’m unable to feel satisfaction. I’m unable to let go of the past. I can’t open up to anything new. I want to be happy. I want to live again. I just don’t want to hurt anymore.
Anyone you give your heart to, I hope they accept it with everything they are. I wish you a world full of joy and love and I hope you feel contentment. If in the end you reside alone, know I’ll always be there, I’ll always have a place in my heart for you, and I’ll always have love to give.
Wasting Facebook Space
Considering all I ever do anymore is write and post things online, I've decided to change my location in which I do so. I used to post everything on facebook, but considering who is on facebook and who I am friends with, I decided to take them here. No one really cares on facebook of what I write about, so why bother posting them there.
So now, I welcome you to the monologues in my head.
Enjoy.
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