The Broken Wall

Saturday, October 4, 2008 at 8:03pm

I broke down the wall I built to protect myself from anything that could hurt me. I broke down the wall for you because I felt I could trust what you had to offer. I let my heart fall onto the floor hoping you would pick it up and protect it. Everything I have ever learned about what to do, or what not to do vanished from my mind, and I started thinking with my heart. I refused to think with my head because I believed what I wanted could only come if I fell victim to what my heart desired. But that’s exactly what I was: a victim. I was a victim to this so-called fantasy world of love and hope with so many visions of what I could retrieve from it. I wanted someone who would care for me no matter what I did or how I behaved and you gave me that feeling of wholeness. But it wasn’t enough.

Soon, what I wanted had disappeared, but I didn’t care. I felt if I gave what I wanted, then I would receive it back in full. You didn’t know what I wanted and you couldn’t offer what I needed, you wouldn’t. But in my fantasy world, I thought I had what I wanted. I thought I had what I needed. I was yours and I thought that was all I needed. But then, my fantasy soon turned into a reality I wasn’t prepared for. A reality I knew was crumbling to ground, much like the wall I broke down for you. It was all for you but you were too blind to realize what was in front of your face and the sacrifices I’ve made. You didn’t appreciate everything I had given up for you. You didn’t consider anything I felt for you. What I felt, what I feel is an emotion meant for two people and not just a single heart.

The decision I made was a mistake. It was a decision I knew I could never take back. And now I can’t find the strength to take those deteriorated bricks and put them back together. I can’t find the wall I once had. I let my heart get in the way of what I knew was best for me and no one else. I forgot everything I knew about falling…and I’ve fallen long and hard into a hole I can’t get out of. I can’t pretend as if I can easily climb unharmed. I can’t pretend anymore that I’m okay because I’m not. I’m not okay. And all I have left is a broken wall and a broken heart that I’m no longer the owner of.