There are some things in my life that I'm not proud of. However, most of the things I've done or have been through I see as learning oppurtunities.
I've been thinking of one thing in particular that I'm most not proud of.
It has nothing to do with choices I've made or doing something wrong.
It's about the people in my life.
I've been hurt, but I have hurt others as well. Most of the relationships I've been through, I had always been the one getting dumped.
It just wasn't working, he wasn't feeling it.
He found someone else.
He was seeing someone else before he broke up with me.
He cheated on me...and so on and so on.
But sometimes I forget about the relationships that were never really "official."
Sometimes the guy found someone else.
Sometimes we just didn't mesh well and we both weren't really feeling it.
But sometimes, I've been kind of a heartbreaker.
And usually, I always see myself as the victim.
But like I said, in most cases, that has been true.
But I have hurt some people, not many, or so what I know of, but I'm not proud of it.
It sucks getting your heart broken, and when I'm the one doing the breaking, it really makes me feel bad.
Honestly and genuinely bad.
For whatever the reprecussions are to me or them, none of us really win in the end.
But sometimes, things don't go right, and in the end we're both a little stronger because it happened.
So, for those that I have hurt in the past, I am sorry.
I'm truly, and honestly sorry.
I never meant to hurt you, and perhaps I was being a bit selfish at the time, but in the end I think we have all grown.
Because afterall, life has many curveballs, and things happen for a reason.
No matter what the future holds, you know that maybe we're all a little wiser about how we will handle things in the future.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Can I Marry Him? Please?
"I wish I could stay home with my girlfriend and watch Seinfeld. I'd like to hang out in bed and watch TV and play guitar. I would love that. I'm willing to make compromises based on someone I think is the one, but I think it's psychologically important to people when they're famous to be the only famous person they know. That's something you don't hear people say that they should be saying: "I want to be the only famous person in my family." I would like for fame to be my thing and graphic design to be my wife's thing, or editing, casting, or helping people in some actual, real way. You are as much a doctor as I am a famous person, and you will tell me about your vocation in the way that I will tell you mine — not my experiences with the same vocation we both have. I'm smart enough now to only consider coupling with people who are smart, worldly, capable, and are capacious intellectually in some way." -John Mayer
(© Rolling Stone magazine - pic and paragraph)
Less Than 4 Months
Less than four months
The news is getting worse
She keeps slipping away
It feels like some curse
Less than four months
It's getting harder to cope
It feels like a dream
And I keep losing hope
Less than four months
The days are dwindling by
There's no time left
And I keep asking why
Less than four months
And there's nothing I can do
Closer to God by the second
Grandma I already miss you
The news is getting worse
She keeps slipping away
It feels like some curse
Less than four months
It's getting harder to cope
It feels like a dream
And I keep losing hope
Less than four months
The days are dwindling by
There's no time left
And I keep asking why
Less than four months
And there's nothing I can do
Closer to God by the second
Grandma I already miss you
6 Months or Less
I was in 3rd grade when my mom's mom died.
I remember everything up to the day it happened. I came upstairs one night to see my mom crying as she hung up the phone. "Grandma's dying" she said. That's all she had to say to make me start crying.
I remember going to Arizona for two weeks with my family, my sister was still a baby. My aunt and uncle and cousins were there. My other aunt and uncle were there. My other aunt was there. Everyone came to see her.
I remember going to see her in the care center. I hadn't seen her in a few years after she and my grandpa decided to move. She used to watch me while my parents were gone. We'd fold towels, eat 3 Musketeer ice cream bars, and play cards. I remembered her as a fun-loving, energetic, goofy person that she was. But when I saw her laying in the bed, she was someone else.
Lifeless.
Pale.
Dying.
And there wasn't anything anyone could do.
I don't think she knew who I was. I was scared of her. I was scared to even hug her.
She died a couple months later.
She had shared a room with a lady who said she saw two angels come and take her away one day. She died shortly after.
Recently I found out that my dad's mom has a brain tumor.
I found out two days before she was going to have surgery to have it removed.
I found out the last week I was home for winter break so I was able to see her at the hospital.
Dr. Beck said it was on the surface, so it should have been a fairly easy surgery, for brain surgery that is.
When I went to see her before surgery, a rush of emotion flooded me.
She shared a room with another woman as my other grandma had.
It was all too familiar.
She was sleeping when the nurse let me see her.
I had to go to work, so I woke up her up.
She looked at me once and then realized who I was after a few seconds.
She was tired, but responsive and aware.
She told me how she fell because she felt dizzy, and called herself in to see a doctor.
That's when they found the tumor.
My grandpa had a spill not too long before ...his heart has been acting up a lot, so he now has to stay in the nursing home. He wasn't around to help her.
I went the hospital the day she had surgery and my mom told me some devastating news.
She had cancer.
For the second time.
But it wasn't the same kind she had before.
They weren't able to get it all because it already started to spread.
At first they gave her a year at most to live.
Now it's only 6 months or less.
I don't know how to handle this right now.
I don't know how to handle this at all.
Both of my grandparents are in rough shape and they're just so old that they're telling us to be ready for anything.
One lady that works at the hospital and has known my family for years said "Let her go, don't let her have to hang on."
At first I thought, how could she say that?
Especially at a time like this?
But she's right, I should be ready for anything, I just don't want to be.
I never had the same kind of bond with Grandma Krominga as I did with Grandma Hoye, and I always had a strong bond with my Grandpa Krominga. But either way, I still love her.
When I was younger, we would sit at the kitchen table and she would paint my nails.
Every time I spent the weekend there, we would go the the Red Bull Dog(?) in the mornings. My grandparents would get coffee and I would get hot chocolate and toast with jelly.
It has only come to me in recent years that I realize how unappreciative my dad's side of the family is of my grandparents. That's just who they are though, it's almost like they can't help it. My mom and my aunt were the only ones who would ever help my grandma clean up after holiday dinners. When I've gone to see them recently, I always made sure I did the dishes.
Grandma once told me, "You're the guest, let me do those."
"No grandma, I'll do them."
I wish I had been more appreciative of her.
Of them.
I love my grandparents.
And soon, one more will be gone.
And all I can do is pray that she won't suffer anymore.
I remember everything up to the day it happened. I came upstairs one night to see my mom crying as she hung up the phone. "Grandma's dying" she said. That's all she had to say to make me start crying.
I remember going to Arizona for two weeks with my family, my sister was still a baby. My aunt and uncle and cousins were there. My other aunt and uncle were there. My other aunt was there. Everyone came to see her.
I remember going to see her in the care center. I hadn't seen her in a few years after she and my grandpa decided to move. She used to watch me while my parents were gone. We'd fold towels, eat 3 Musketeer ice cream bars, and play cards. I remembered her as a fun-loving, energetic, goofy person that she was. But when I saw her laying in the bed, she was someone else.
Lifeless.
Pale.
Dying.
And there wasn't anything anyone could do.
I don't think she knew who I was. I was scared of her. I was scared to even hug her.
She died a couple months later.
She had shared a room with a lady who said she saw two angels come and take her away one day. She died shortly after.
Recently I found out that my dad's mom has a brain tumor.
I found out two days before she was going to have surgery to have it removed.
I found out the last week I was home for winter break so I was able to see her at the hospital.
Dr. Beck said it was on the surface, so it should have been a fairly easy surgery, for brain surgery that is.
When I went to see her before surgery, a rush of emotion flooded me.
She shared a room with another woman as my other grandma had.
It was all too familiar.
She was sleeping when the nurse let me see her.
I had to go to work, so I woke up her up.
She looked at me once and then realized who I was after a few seconds.
She was tired, but responsive and aware.
She told me how she fell because she felt dizzy, and called herself in to see a doctor.
That's when they found the tumor.
My grandpa had a spill not too long before ...his heart has been acting up a lot, so he now has to stay in the nursing home. He wasn't around to help her.
I went the hospital the day she had surgery and my mom told me some devastating news.
She had cancer.
For the second time.
But it wasn't the same kind she had before.
They weren't able to get it all because it already started to spread.
At first they gave her a year at most to live.
Now it's only 6 months or less.
I don't know how to handle this right now.
I don't know how to handle this at all.
Both of my grandparents are in rough shape and they're just so old that they're telling us to be ready for anything.
One lady that works at the hospital and has known my family for years said "Let her go, don't let her have to hang on."
At first I thought, how could she say that?
Especially at a time like this?
But she's right, I should be ready for anything, I just don't want to be.
I never had the same kind of bond with Grandma Krominga as I did with Grandma Hoye, and I always had a strong bond with my Grandpa Krominga. But either way, I still love her.
When I was younger, we would sit at the kitchen table and she would paint my nails.
Every time I spent the weekend there, we would go the the Red Bull Dog(?) in the mornings. My grandparents would get coffee and I would get hot chocolate and toast with jelly.
It has only come to me in recent years that I realize how unappreciative my dad's side of the family is of my grandparents. That's just who they are though, it's almost like they can't help it. My mom and my aunt were the only ones who would ever help my grandma clean up after holiday dinners. When I've gone to see them recently, I always made sure I did the dishes.
Grandma once told me, "You're the guest, let me do those."
"No grandma, I'll do them."
I wish I had been more appreciative of her.
Of them.
I love my grandparents.
And soon, one more will be gone.
And all I can do is pray that she won't suffer anymore.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Nostalgia Part 2 - NIACC
I never realized how lame I am until I moved to Iowa City. Okay, I take that back.
Let's rephrase.
I feel like I don't belong here because I hardly ever do anything. One reason is because I don't have money to go out all the time and two is because I have less than a handful of friends here.
Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with them, but sometimes they're not available to do anything. Then I really start to miss NIACC.
A community college.
A place I never initially wanted to go to.
A place I'll never forget because of the experiences I had there.
I miss being in Singers and I miss performing with those people.
Those friends.
I miss my friends I met there.
We always did something whether it was a party, a movie night, or dinner, I always had things to do with my best friends.
And I miss that like crazy.
I barely see them.
I barely talk to them.
But I still care about them dearly.
And when we're back for breaks, I get excited to see them but for some reason that hardly happens and not as often as I'd like.
Attention!
I'm here!
I'm bored!
Let's hang out!
It feels like I'm being forgotten about.
I'm far away.
I'm at a school that only two people that I met at NIACC go to.
I want to see my friends!
It's a little too late for that now since school is back in session.
And when I wrote this, I still had a week left while everyone else was back in school.
Ugh!
Why do the majority of my friends go to UNI?!
I highly considered transferring there after NIACC but didn't because of one reason.
The School of Journalism and Mass Communications at Iowa.
It has been my plan since high school and I couldn't give that opportunity up.
But if I had my way, I'd have UNI have the same program so I could be close you guys.
My dear friends from NIACC.
I miss you like crazy and you have no idea.
Let's rephrase.
I feel like I don't belong here because I hardly ever do anything. One reason is because I don't have money to go out all the time and two is because I have less than a handful of friends here.
Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with them, but sometimes they're not available to do anything. Then I really start to miss NIACC.
A community college.
A place I never initially wanted to go to.
A place I'll never forget because of the experiences I had there.
I miss being in Singers and I miss performing with those people.
Those friends.
I miss my friends I met there.
We always did something whether it was a party, a movie night, or dinner, I always had things to do with my best friends.
And I miss that like crazy.
I barely see them.
I barely talk to them.
But I still care about them dearly.
And when we're back for breaks, I get excited to see them but for some reason that hardly happens and not as often as I'd like.
Attention!
I'm here!
I'm bored!
Let's hang out!
It feels like I'm being forgotten about.
I'm far away.
I'm at a school that only two people that I met at NIACC go to.
I want to see my friends!
It's a little too late for that now since school is back in session.
And when I wrote this, I still had a week left while everyone else was back in school.
Ugh!
Why do the majority of my friends go to UNI?!
I highly considered transferring there after NIACC but didn't because of one reason.
The School of Journalism and Mass Communications at Iowa.
It has been my plan since high school and I couldn't give that opportunity up.
But if I had my way, I'd have UNI have the same program so I could be close you guys.
My dear friends from NIACC.
I miss you like crazy and you have no idea.
Friday, January 1, 2010
A New Year
Hello new year. I don't know how to make a new paragraph on my phone when posting this so it's going to be one big paragraph. Anyway, I have a new cat, and she is being a spaz right now. I'm really bored. There is nothing to do. This is a lame post.
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