I don't know what to do anymore with these lonely nights
Sometimes I feel like I can't move on, I can't win this fight
No more crying and no more worries
There's nothing more, there is no hurry
I know from these tears, I know from this heart
A pain like this keeps me falling apart
What will I do without you near?
What will I do without you here?
I never knew what being strong was until I didn't know how to do it
I didn't know a heart could break until you put me through it
Tell me how to let my sorrow waste away
I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say
That summer heat won't feel the same without you by my side
My hand in the wind won't feel the same as it does when we ride
When we ride in your car
I couldn't care where we'd go or how far
Like going to the pond or to the fire
Where we could feel each other's desire
But that fire is dead, the heat is cool
The summer is cold and I'm left looking like a fool
A fool who feels like she's wasted her time
(Who never wrote down the very next line)
But that time we had together stood perfectly still
And it was all because you were my summer thrill
Sunday, April 19, 2009
My Fear
Sorry if it seems like I'm rambling...I just had a lot of thoughts going on at once.
A few weeks ago, someone anonymously posted a poem and a bible verse on my blog entitled "No Fronts." It's a mix of wanting the good parts of a past relationship and wanting a love that has no fronts.
Whoever posted that comment could tell in my writing that a part of me still isn't over that person. The poem posted is entitled "Letting Go." The line that stuck in my head was: "To let go is to fear less and love more."
Whoever posted it, hit me right on the nose. That is just it, I do fear. And the bible verse from I John 4:18 says, "Where there is God’s love there is no fear, for His perfect love takes away all fear."
But the thing is I know I shouldn't fear because like I said in my poem "In His Hands," "It's In His hands now because I let it be. Because I know he knows what's best for me."
I want to be fearless of what my love life has yet to be, but I fear that what I had before will never happen again. It was one of the best relationships (official or not), that I've been in. It was also one with many obstacles, but we were willing to work through them, and for the longest time, we did.
That's why I'm afraid to let go. We were able to get through rough patches. But it seems everyone else is fine with a strike when a curve ball is thrown. Why are people so willing to take the easy road when the road gets rocky? Why are people so afraid of taking chances on something that takes effort? It's because they don't want to. They want to see if something easy will come along. They wait for a romance that has no imperfections.
But when something that seems to good to be true comes along, they start looking for those imperfections. But what if that's it? What if what is too good to be true isn't? What if that's what God has brought to you? What if the fear of losing something too good to be true exists. You're too afraid that it will end and never happen again. Why can't people let love have no fronts? Why do people have to question what is real and what feels right?
Why can't I let go of the fear of never being able to find something good again?
It's because my fear makes me question what feels right.
It's because my fear makes me feel in control.
It's because my fear disables me from letting go and loving more.
A few weeks ago, someone anonymously posted a poem and a bible verse on my blog entitled "No Fronts." It's a mix of wanting the good parts of a past relationship and wanting a love that has no fronts.
Whoever posted that comment could tell in my writing that a part of me still isn't over that person. The poem posted is entitled "Letting Go." The line that stuck in my head was: "To let go is to fear less and love more."
Whoever posted it, hit me right on the nose. That is just it, I do fear. And the bible verse from I John 4:18 says, "Where there is God’s love there is no fear, for His perfect love takes away all fear."
But the thing is I know I shouldn't fear because like I said in my poem "In His Hands," "It's In His hands now because I let it be. Because I know he knows what's best for me."
I want to be fearless of what my love life has yet to be, but I fear that what I had before will never happen again. It was one of the best relationships (official or not), that I've been in. It was also one with many obstacles, but we were willing to work through them, and for the longest time, we did.
That's why I'm afraid to let go. We were able to get through rough patches. But it seems everyone else is fine with a strike when a curve ball is thrown. Why are people so willing to take the easy road when the road gets rocky? Why are people so afraid of taking chances on something that takes effort? It's because they don't want to. They want to see if something easy will come along. They wait for a romance that has no imperfections.
But when something that seems to good to be true comes along, they start looking for those imperfections. But what if that's it? What if what is too good to be true isn't? What if that's what God has brought to you? What if the fear of losing something too good to be true exists. You're too afraid that it will end and never happen again. Why can't people let love have no fronts? Why do people have to question what is real and what feels right?
Why can't I let go of the fear of never being able to find something good again?
It's because my fear makes me question what feels right.
It's because my fear makes me feel in control.
It's because my fear disables me from letting go and loving more.
Escape
That feeling has finally arrived. I need out. I need to leave. I need an escape. My joyful days are gone and I'm ready to move on. I can't keep standing around waiting for something great to happen. I can't wait around for sun to shine again. I can't wait around for the clouds to pass over. I can't keeping swimming for brighter days because I know the water will run dry, and I'll eventually reach land. It's what I long for. It's what I crave. I need to set foot on something solid. I need to stand tall and walk forward. I need to leave behind the falling leaves and cold skies. I need to dillute my pain with something worth my time.
My stomach churns with feelings of loss and regret yet, it still moans with a hunger for something more filling. I can no longer feed on half-ass nutrients. I have not had my fill but I know I'll never able to be satisfied if I continue to linger around. I need to run far, far away and never look back. I need out. I need to leave. I need an escape.
My stomach churns with feelings of loss and regret yet, it still moans with a hunger for something more filling. I can no longer feed on half-ass nutrients. I have not had my fill but I know I'll never able to be satisfied if I continue to linger around. I need to run far, far away and never look back. I need out. I need to leave. I need an escape.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
It's MY Door
Mr. Opportunity must like skipping my door.
He never knocks.
If he did, I would open it.
I'd give a long awaited, warming welcome.
He likes to walk up to the stairs...
But he hesitates and leaves.
Then he goes to the person's house with whom he's used to and comfortable.
He likes to give opportunities to people who have already had them.
Multiple times.
Multiple chances.
But noooooooo...not me.
Not someone who actually deserves a chance for once.
Not one damn chance.
But wait!
Is that who I think it is?
Do you hear him?
He's at MY door!
This is epic!
I opened the door.
Finally, it's MY turn.
It's MY door being knocked on.
But somehow, I put myself in jeopardy.
I must now compete with the door that always gets knocked on.
But that's not fair.
It's my turn.
It's MY door.
Mr. Opportunity knocked on MY door!
And it's for the first time.
What if he forgets about my door?
But how could he forget?
How could he forget he knocked on MY door?
Oh...I know...
It's because he's not used to my door being knocked on.
He forgot that he gave me an opportunity.
But it's my opportunity.
It's MY door.
He never knocks.
If he did, I would open it.
I'd give a long awaited, warming welcome.
He likes to walk up to the stairs...
But he hesitates and leaves.
Then he goes to the person's house with whom he's used to and comfortable.
He likes to give opportunities to people who have already had them.
Multiple times.
Multiple chances.
But noooooooo...not me.
Not someone who actually deserves a chance for once.
Not one damn chance.
But wait!
Is that who I think it is?
Do you hear him?
He's at MY door!
This is epic!
I opened the door.
Finally, it's MY turn.
It's MY door being knocked on.
But somehow, I put myself in jeopardy.
I must now compete with the door that always gets knocked on.
But that's not fair.
It's my turn.
It's MY door.
Mr. Opportunity knocked on MY door!
And it's for the first time.
What if he forgets about my door?
But how could he forget?
How could he forget he knocked on MY door?
Oh...I know...
It's because he's not used to my door being knocked on.
He forgot that he gave me an opportunity.
But it's my opportunity.
It's MY door.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Final Words
In the words of Coldplay from the song, "The Scientist":
"Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start."
As I wrote my final column for the NIACC Logos, I used that song as an inspiration.
For those graduating, it may be the final time that any of us see some of the people we've grown to love.
At first, I didn't want to go to NIACC but I am glad I did. Not only did I save money and get a sufficient base to my college education, in the two years I have been here, I have met some of my best friends and I'm not just saying that.
"It's such a shame for us to part..."
I have a right to say that because it truly is a shame. My friends I knew from NIACC will always have a place in my heart, and I'll miss them terribly, (you know who you are).
While I think about who I will see in the future, I think about how hard it will be to see them once in a blue moon.
No one said leaving behind the memories from NIACC was going to be easy, and sometimes I wish I could go back to the start to spend more time with those I care about; those that I will have to travel some distance if I want to see them again.
I've grown close to a handful of people because of NIACC, and I am grateful I've met them. I don't know what I will do without them next year because none of us will be going to the same school. However, I have no doubt in my mind that our friendship will end because of that.
The summer is all that is left to see the faces I care about the most, but after that, who knows what will happen.
But whatever happens, I'm thankful for coming to NIACC where I,will have this summer, achieved an AA degree, saved some money, and met the best friends anyone could ask for.
Monday, April 6, 2009
The Sun
This is not spring, it is death awaiting to be woken
The leaves no longer hug the trees
The ground is brown and lifeless
The wind doesn't sway the grass
It doesn't blow the dandelions
It doesn't cool the hot days because there are none
The sun is hiding behind the clouds
It can't bare to see the earth like this
But I need it
I need the sun to come out
I need to feel the warmth again
I need to hear children playing in the park
I need to see flowers blooming that color my world
I want to touch the greens, the yellows, the reds, and the blues
Half the clouds are dark and half the clouds are white fluff
They tell me spring is coming
They tell me the sun is coming
But the dark clouds won't let it
They scare the sun away
But it doesn't realize I need it
I need it to come back
It's the only thing that makes me smile
It's the only thing that puts life in my eyes
I need it to be brave
I need it to forget about what the dark clouds say
The sun is too powerful to let them defeat it
The sun is the one thing that warms my heart
It's the only thing that brightens my day
It's the only thing that can make my world feel whole
It's the only thing that doesn't realize it's wanted
The sun is wanted again
Bring back the happiness and heat I once felt before winter
Bring back the fever
Bring back the sun
The leaves no longer hug the trees
The ground is brown and lifeless
The wind doesn't sway the grass
It doesn't blow the dandelions
It doesn't cool the hot days because there are none
The sun is hiding behind the clouds
It can't bare to see the earth like this
But I need it
I need the sun to come out
I need to feel the warmth again
I need to hear children playing in the park
I need to see flowers blooming that color my world
I want to touch the greens, the yellows, the reds, and the blues
Half the clouds are dark and half the clouds are white fluff
They tell me spring is coming
They tell me the sun is coming
But the dark clouds won't let it
They scare the sun away
But it doesn't realize I need it
I need it to come back
It's the only thing that makes me smile
It's the only thing that puts life in my eyes
I need it to be brave
I need it to forget about what the dark clouds say
The sun is too powerful to let them defeat it
The sun is the one thing that warms my heart
It's the only thing that brightens my day
It's the only thing that can make my world feel whole
It's the only thing that doesn't realize it's wanted
The sun is wanted again
Bring back the happiness and heat I once felt before winter
Bring back the fever
Bring back the sun
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)