Nostalgia Part 1 - High School

I used to think that my best friends in middle school to high school would be my best friends forever.
I thought, what could be better than this?
Sleepovers.
Movie nights.
Surprise birthday parties.
Crazy nick names for boys.
Comforting each other at midnight when one of those boys broke someone's heart.
Sitting together at lunch everyday.
Cheering on the band at basketball games. (lol)
These were my best friends.
Nothing could tear us apart.
I even had all of my bride's maids picked out.

Then something happened.
And to this day I'm unaware of the exact reason why it happened.
We fell apart.
The group of friends I used to consider my friends for life ended.
I could blame the distance that college made but I don't think that was entirely it.
It started my senior year.
I could feel it.
I was hanging out with different people.
They were hanging out with different people.
The only thing that kept us "friends" was our history and just happening to be in the same classes.

The bond between us was slipping.
We stopped hanging out just to do nothing.
We stopped having group get-togethers.
We stopped talking.
We stopped talking.
We stopped talking.

Maybe there was a reason for why we stopped talking.
Maybe after graduation I found out who my true friends were.
The ones that mattered all along.
The ones that truly cared about me.
The ones that really are my friends for life.
Maybe I'm wrong.
But how do explain how many friends I have from high school now?
How do you explain that in high school the group of my "best friends" consisted of about 8 people and of those friends, I only consider 2 of them my best friends now?
How do you explain that?

What went wrong?
What changed?
Did I change?
Did she change?
Did we change?
But what does change have to do with it?
She was my best friend.
She was my best friend.
She was my BEST friend.

They were my girls.
They were my friends.

Dear People On the Top Floor:

Dear people on the top floor:

I hate you.
Okay, well maybe not entirely since I don't know you, but I would rather not have a somewhat hatred towards you so maybe we can do something about the things I need to complain about.
All I ever hear from you is annoying, crappy rap music being played with unnecessary and overbearing blasting bass.
Right now it is 10:53 AM on a Friday and I just got back from class like a half hour ago.
And already you're blasting music!
Why? It's the morning. Some people are still sleeping to avoid a hang over from last night.
I hear a shower going. Okay, that's understandable that you want to listen to music while you get ready.
Wake up call: You're not at your mom's house anymore where no one can hear your loud effing music!
There are other people who live in the same vicinity as you do that don't want to hear your annoying bass blaring.
Sometimes your music is so loud that it sounds so clear as if it were coming from my own room.
Also, what the hell is that barbaric sounding thud that I always hear?
I know you've vacuumed and dropped it before which made a loud thud.
But really, are you cage fighting?
Are you bowling?
Do you have elephants avoiding a mouse?
What the hell are you doing that is making that much noise?
I'd appreciate a little less noise coming from above me and around me and through my entire apartment.
I've avoided calling in a noise complaint thus far this semester, and I've been very tolerable of your antics. And I'm very understandable that you have parties, after all, I just turned 21 and I too know how to get crazy.
I don't want to be a bitch, and I'm sure you're not meaning to be obnoxious, ignorant and self-absorbed idiots, I would just enjoy a less club-like atmosphere in my living quarters.
If this continues next semester, I may have to turn you in for disturbing the peace, rather lack there of.

Thank you, oh so very much.

Biological Clock...?

So I'm sitting here on blogger.com and I'm flipping through blog spots by clicking "Next Blog."

The first couple are from Asian girls.
Theses blogs were just random, not really about anything, but they were just done by Asian girls, not that I have anything against Asian girls, after all, one of my friends is Asian...I'm thinking, this is odd, why all the Asian girl blogs?

Then I get a bunch of blogs about writers and books and librarians and stuff.
These are just random things people like to write, Something like that....I'm thinking, this is odd, is there some connection with me because I'm also a writer? Why all the "writer's" blogs?

The next few are of babies.
These blogs are from new parents and their stories of their new babies with a day to day update on how they're growing...I'm thinking, this is odd, why all the Baby blogs?

The next few are family blogs.
You know, a blog dedicated to a family's life. They got a new dog, they bought a new house...yadda yadda yadda...I'm thinking, this is odd, why all the family blogs?

So I keep clicking "Next Blog" and it continues to be about families and babies. And I realized, there are A LOT of blogs dedicated to families and their new babies. And that got me thinking about a few things...

Does the Blogger Web site group blogs together for the "Next Blog" thing? Perhaps, maybe...that is very likely...or maybe it's a sign that my biological clock is ticking...

I have been reading the 4th Twilight book. WARNING: Spoiler, skip to next paragraph if you don't want to know what happens. I'm at the part where Bella just had her baby and it tells how connected her and Edward are to her. I'm not saying I want a baby right now, after all, I'm still in college and waaaay in debt. But I'm so involved in this book that I'm envious of what is happening. I want a baby, someday. I want to have what they have. The love for each other and their love for another life they've created.

I've also been watching a lot of wedding shows like Say Yes to the Dress and My Fair Wedding...and Cake Boss which isn't really a wedding show but it's close enough...cake, wedding...sure (PS, I don't watch Bridezillas). And I want that too! I'm envious of what those women have in those shows.

I want to be married.
I want to have my own family.
And I want to share it on a blog spot.
OK, maybe not that last part...but who knows, maybe someday?

Anyway...these blog spots that I came across also made me envious. Although I'm only 21, I'm very looking forward to being married and starting a family someday. And there is only one person that I keep seeing in my future and it makes me excited. My heart tells me I want it now, but I know in my head that the smartest thing to do is to wait. I know I'm unprepared for my own family. I know these things take money, time, and emotional stability.

Sometimes I just wish that my biological clock would shut up and wait, like I know I need to do.

Until the Sun Goes Down

I'll be with you forever, until the stars come out
Until the earth implodes, until the heavens shout
"Hallelujah!"
"Hallelujah!"
I've found the love of my life
What we have now is worth all the past strife
I love you
I love you
Until the sun stops shining, until it falls from the sky
I love you forever, until the day that I die
You save me
You save me
From the unhappiness I once was feeling
I feel so high, I go beyond the ceiling
Take my hand and hold it tight
Be with me until there are no more nights
Until there are no more dawns, and no more days
I love you
I love you
And forever I'll stay
Until the sun goes down and doesn't rise again
You and me together, until the very end

Dear Thoughts:

Dear Thoughts:

Why have you run away from me?
I would like to write more blogs, but you have vanished.
Come back to me, please?
It's not like I don't have time to write things because I do.
Sometimes I just get too lazy to sit down and type/write.
But suddenly, a gush of thought came upon swift wings and billowed into my brain!
Alas! The creative juices flow!
But that didn't happen, because you ran away.
Why?
Why?
Why have you run away?
I'm running.
I'm running.
Slow down, I'm running!
Let me catch you.
Let me run with you.
Slow down your pace so that I have time to think.
Tell time to slow down.
Or tell it to speed up so that I can relax for a month.
And perhaps I can finally finally put you into words.
Sincerely, Kacie.

PS - I'm very disappointed in you for only allowing me to write one blog last month, we'll talk about this later. Okay, Love you, bye!

The Law

So the other day, I'm driving back to my apartment from "irrelevance", and a cop is driving about 30 feet in front of me. As I'm crossing through the intersection, I see him put his lights on, and do a U-turn in the middle of the four lane road. As he did this, it appears that he was going to pull over the truck in front of him that was originally heading in the opposite direction of the cop. But what does he do? He turns his his lights off and continues to drive back the way he was coming from. The cop didn't even pick anyone up. One thing, if I were that man in the truck, I would just about have peed my pants and had a heart attack. Another thing, that's illegal!

This isn't the first time I've seen something like this happen.

One night, I was coming back to my apartment from my night class and I began to follow a cop. We were both going into the left turning lane when we were stopped at a red light. The next thing I knew, he turned his lights on, went through the red light into the lanes on our right; not only running a red light, but not using his blinkers to change lanes, and cutting off the people who had a green light. Can you guess what he did when he had finished crossing through the intersection? Yep, he turned his lights off and continued to drive like nothing happened.

If anyone else did that, a serious accident could have happened, or if a cop was around, you would have gotten pulled over for reckless driving.

I believe it is our duty as citizens to take a stand against this kind of illegality. Cops should abide by the laws just like the rest of us. If I ever see that happen again, you can be sure I will report it to the authorities because it simply isn't just for cops to break the laws. They should be taking the lead and enforcing positive law abidings so we can follow by example.

First they break driving laws, so what's next? Vandalism? Robbery? Murder?

"Holiday"

Crunch...
Crunch...
Crunch...
The wind is colder than usual
The brisk air pricks at my skin
Crunch...
Crunch...
Crunch...
Smells of diluted pollen
Dying trees
And wet leaves enter my nasal passages
Ah-Choo!
I'm allergic
But it's still my favorite "holiday"
Crunch...
Crunch...
Crunch...
The sun peaks through the clouds
It blinds me briefly
Then it warms my tingling face
Crunch...
Crunch...
Crunch...
As my favorite color morphs into a rainbow, I admire the harvest colors
And I sigh as a smile stretches across my face
Crunch...
Crunch...
Crunch...
I purposely go out of my way to step on the crunchy looking leaf

Monuments, Melodies, and Me

“You make me happy, you magnify my better half.”
In times before, I listened to that line and agreed with it.
It was only until recently that I discovered how true it is.
Towards the end of my high school career, I started hanging out with people that partied a lot. I started doing things that I was brought up not to do.
I was taught to abide by the law.
I was taught that only the person you were in a relationship with was the only person you kissed…and whatnot.
Maybe it was the things I watched on TV.
Maybe it was the people I hung out with and the need to feel accepted by them.
Whatever it was, I was changing.
I always thought I was raised appropriately. I knew right from wrong because I was taught right from wrong. But towards the end of high school, I chose wrong.
Maybe it was because I had been a “goody” for so long that I needed to rebel.
Maybe it was because for the first time, as of my junior year of high school, a boy had finally pursued me. That’s right, I said as a high school junior – 17 years old at that. The beginning of summer after my senior year was the craziest time I’ve ever had. I won’t get into details, but I was becoming someone I thought I’d never be.
Then I started hanging out with someone that was…is the complete opposite of who I was.
He’s completely straightedge, without the look/style and scene, plus he goes to church.
Why would he ever like someone like me? I thought. And yet, here we are today and he loves me even though I’ve done foolish things in the past and still sometimes do foolish things now.
But I’m grateful to have him in my life.
I sometimes don’t know what I’d do with out him.
He makes me want to be a better person. I respect his lifestyle and want to be involved with it.
And if there is anyone out there that feels the way I do – I have some advice:
- Be with someone who makes you happy.
Be with someone who makes you want to be a better person. And if you already are a good person, be with someone who helps you to stay that person you want to be.
Be with someone who will allow you to grow as a person and in doing so, you’ll grow together.
Be with THAT person, and no one else.

I love you, being with you makes me happy, and I want to become a better person to make you even happier than you are to be with me.
“You make me happy. You magnify my better half.”

Sidewalks

Different paths leading to different locations
Up the stairs
To the door
Across the street
Flat
Smooth
Lead you to where you want to go
Some wider than others
It’s an unwritten rule to follow where they lead
Someone cuts across
They must be in a hurry
Another jogs
Some are fenced in
You’re fenced in for a reason
Multiple choices
Multiple paths
Some are straight
Some are diagonal
Some are short
And others long
They allow you to have a flat surface to walk on
No signs say keep off grass
But yet, you do
Usually
What is stopping you from just cutting across in a diagonal path?
It’s quicker
It may be a little bumpy
So why not cut corners?
Why not cheat “the system?”
Why continue on the path?

Etiquette Part 5 - Sharing the Sidewalk

9/24/09


Driving on the road, there is one simple rule everyone must follow - stay on the right side of the road.
If you don't, you're either going to get into a car accident or get a ticket.
Now, I wish the same rules applied to walking on the sidewalk.
Go with the flow of traffic.
Don't break the taboos of walking on the left.
It's more organized and it just makes sense. This way, you're not having to move out of the way, or make someone else move out of the way because you're on the wrong side.
Now, that leads me to not just being on the wrong side but taking up the WHOLE DAMN sidewalk!
What makes your crew so awesome that you can walk 5 people side to side, and make people move around you?
That's what bothers me.
It's not the fact that they're side by side, it's that they don't move out of the way.
Sure, I've walked toward people that were side by side and they moved out of my way...maybe because I was standing my ground or they were being courteous...I don't know, whatever.
But when I have to step off of the sidewalk to move around you, that angers me.
It works both ways - approaching and following.
I have long legs and walk faster that a lot of people.
I hate having to slow my pace because I got stuck walking behind a group of chatty Kathy's who don't know they're not the only people on the sidewalk.
Pick a side - no, get on the right side and use common sense.
All I have to say is one thing:
Move it or lose it bitches!

The Words I Write

9/24/09


I'm going through I little bit of a writer's block...

I WAS going through a writer's block but you open my heart so that I can express it on paper
Through my words, I express how I feel but there's nothing I can say to describe the extent of my feelings
It's like my heart just keeps getting bigger
I fear it may explode
But I say, bring on the dynamite because I wouldn't have it any other way
Everyday, every moment, every second you're on my mind
Yet it doesn't distract me
It just makes me so grateful to have you in life
You take my writer's block away
You inspire me
The words I write are for you, all for you

I Think I May Be Sick

8/12/09 - The day I moved into my apartment in Iowa City


I think I may be sick
Or faint
Or cry
(Or scream at my neighbors to shut the hell up)
As soon as I hung up my first shirt, it hit me
It's really happening
I'm finally away from home
For the first time
And I'm scared
I think I may be sick
Or faint
Or cry
It's only the first day and I'm home sick
What happened?
I was excited
I was so ready to be gone
But now I'm dizzy
I think I may be sick
Or faint
Or cry
Maybe I just need to give it time

Ongoing Cycle

8/11/09


"Every time I think of you and I find myself smiling, I immediately think of things that you did that breaks my heart.
I continue in this ongoing cycle of highs and lows until I reach the feeling of numbness so I can't feel anything for you."

I never finished what I was saying here and I can't remember who it was about but it doesn't even matter.
That's what I used to do.
That's how I used to cope.
But not anymore.
I don't need to.
Because you're here.
You're mine.
I'm yours, all yours.
Don't make me go back there.
Don't make me hurt again.
Let me smile every time I think of you and give me reason to keep it there.
Let me keep that ongoing cycle of happiness.

Happy October!

OK, so I missed the first day but...

Happy October!

October is my favorite month for five reasons, the same five reasons I posted on facebook for why I love Autumn.

1. Pretty leave colors. *
Although green is my favorite color, I don't want it taking up my entire view when I look outside. I love the reds and oranges and yellows...so pretty. What other season changes the colors outside to be a beautiful sight? None.
*this also brings me to stepping on crunchy leaves. October is what I consider to be the peak of Autumn and you know what that means! Dead leaves that fall to ground and crumple up just begging you to step on them and make that wonderful crunch noise. I'm strange, it's fine.

2. My birthday.
This year I'm turning 21. Enough said.

3.Halloween.
I partially think that Halloween is my favorite holiday because it's two days away from my birthday and the majority of my birthdays have been themed around Halloween. But come on! What is more fun than dressing up like something you're not for a day so?

4. Carving pumpkins.
I love love love carving pumpkins and the whole creative side of creating food into a piece of art. I love the feel of seeds and goopy shtuff in my hands. It's also fun to do with a friend! (Don't be perverted.)

5. Sweater weather.
It's not too hot. It's not too cold, usually. Sweater weather is cozy and relaxing and gives an excuse to stay inside and cuddle up with someone you care about.

Dear Followers:

I have not had a computer in my possession for the last month.
That is why August is so bare.
That is all.

Keeping Happiness

Happiness is a warm gun.
Come on, get happy!
Turn that frown upside down!

Out of all the lyrics, quotes or sayings there are in the world, they can never justify what true happiness is.
I used to think that being happy, or becoming happy was something you should only let be achievable on your own.
Not because of material objects.
Not because of a person.
And not because something incredible happened to you.
I used to think that being a happy person meant that you are comfortable with yourself, you enjoy who you are, and you take each step with pride and joy because the path you're on is smooth and headed towards the right direction in life.
But I learned that you need some sort of spark that ignites being happy.
I'm the kind of person where being okay with myself can't make me happy, so there is where I went wrong.
If I can't be happy with the life I live, how can I expect others to follow my point of view?
I can't.
Sometimes you need something or someone in your life that makes your life that much better.

Music.
Writing.
Photography.
Cookies.
Theses things make me happy.
Make me sane.

In recent days, some discussions about certain people being with another have risen, in many different situations.
I, myself, have been torn because of the union of two people.
I could never understand why this person disregarded my feelings and disregarded my requests.
But my view has taken a different course.
After talking, I've come to realize something.
Even though I never wanted them to be together, I'm more than okay that they are.
And it's because he makes her happy.
Why should I deny her her happiness?
It doesn't matter anymore - my vision of this other person - I can see it in her eyes, I can hear it in her words.
He makes her happy and that is all that should matter.
If you can find someone that makes you happy, why should you let anyone stop you from keeping your happiness?
In another instance, what I happen to be going through may be stupid, risky, and might be a waste of my heart to some people, but I know and feel it differently.
Some ask, why do I bother again?
Easy.
Because he makes me happy.
Please don't deny me my happiness.
It's all I've wanted.
It's all I've needed.
Let me keep my happiness.

Life's True Happiness

Are you doing what you love in life?
Are you pursuing your one true passion?
When you wake up in the morning are you excited to start your day?
Or is it the exact opposite?
Is what you're pursuing something you're doing just to get by?
Just to get another paycheck?
Is money the one thing making you get out of bed?
What is stopping you from doing the one thing you truly love to do?
Ponder it.
What is stopping you?!
Are you afraid of having no money?
Are you afraid of how people might view you?
Are you afraid of failure?
Are you constantly asking yourself: "What is my purpose here?"
Of course you need money to survive.
CEO's and governments have made it an essential to live.
To move from city to city.
To get an education.
To fill your brains with knowledge of things you would never need to know.
To have a roof over your head and shoes on your feet.
To fill your stomachs to make them fat.
To make your wallet fat.
To make your head fat.
Your head is filled with greed and envy of people wealthier than you.
But why?
Why do you care if someone has more money than you as long as you're happy?
I always believed in doing what you love.
If you're not doing what you love, what's the point?
A paycheck can only fill the void for a short while and then it's gone.
Find an intervention.
Find someone who is inspirational.
Are you able to do it?
Are you able to find someone who inspires and motivates to reach your goals?
If they can be happy doing what they love, why can't you?
Some wise words once spoken to me stated: "If all goes well I should be poor, but extraordinarily happy the rest of my life. Anyone who inspires someone to do that, is okay by me."
So why not?
Why not step off the edge once and give it a shot?
What do you have to lose if you fail?
A pay check?
What have you to earn if you succeed?
Dignity.
Reassurance.
Happiness.

If The Shoe Fits

Buying a new pair of shoes has always been a challenge for me.
What am I going to wear these with?
If they're pricey, will I wear them to their worth?
New shoes never fit the way you want them to right away.
It takes some walking in them to stretch them out and time to break them in.
It's never a comfortable process.
Sometimes you get blisters.
Sometimes you get cramped toes.
Sometimes you just feel like making someone else wear them that has bigger feet than you.
But it's your job to break them in.
They're your shoes, no one else's.
Sometimes those shoes you bought a long time ago are forgotten.
But then one day you open up your closet, and there they are.
Screaming your name.
Saying, "Pick me! Choose me! Wear me!"
And you stare at them for awhile wondering why you ever put them away.
But then you remember they didn't fit quite right because they were new.
But sometimes the new is no longer new, but old and familiar.
You decide that maybe, just maybe you are willing to put up with discomfort you once remembered.
You slip on the shoes and realize, they fit perfectly.

P.S. I Lied

Some people have a hard time showing or telling their emotions to someone.
They're afraid of getting hurt.
Of getting embarrassed.
Of having regrets.
So, instead of revealing how they really feel, they lie.
It makes it easier on themselves and usually easier on the other person too.
Unless what the other person didn't want to hear a lie.
But you can never be sure what is the truth and what is a lie.
If you asked me a question and already knew the answer, but knew I would lie...why would you ask?
It's all in the search of what you had hoped would come out of my mouth.
So, in the instance of my answer when you asked me that question, I should be honest with you now...
I lied.

Ebbie & Me

Written sometime between 7/8/09 and 7/13/09

I recently saw Marley & Me for the first time. I heard what happened at the end so I already prepared myself.

I had to put my cat to sleep a bout a year and a half ago so I know what it's like to lose something that was a big part of the family for a long time. I had Ebbie since I was in first grade, and having a cat for 13 years of my life, I had hard time coping.

Anyway, I knew what was coming, but I didn't know when. The anticipation was killing me. When the time came at the end of the movie, I was already crying. I think I cried for the last 20 minutes and I kid you not. They way Marley died reminded me so much of Ebbie, I couldn't control my emotions. I never ever cried because of a movie as much as I did with Marley & Me. My cat was sick towards the end of her life and had many complications with her kidney and thyroid, so we also had to put her to sleep.

She was kept at the hospital overnight on a Thursday. I worked the next the day and hoped she would be there when I got home, but she wasn't. I asked my parents if she was still at the vet, they said no. I asked if she was home, they said no. Tears welling up, i asked if they put her to sleep...
And I lost it. How could they without my permission? Without me there? Without my last time with her?

She was in a box in the basement wrapped in her favorite blanket. I took her out and just held her, crying and crying and crying nonstop. I couldn't believe she was gone. I could believe she wouldn't wake up. Her body was cold. Her fur had lost its sheen and her limbs were stiff. It just wasn't fair.
She wasn't like any other cat I'd seen. It was like she was made for me. I was born on 10/29, so was she. She couldn't tolerate dairy, neither can I.
She was always acted like she owned everything. When she slept in bed with me, I had to put my legs straight out in front of me, placed together so she could stretch out and lay in the middle. If my legs were apart, she would just stare at me until I did what she wanted me to. She didn't care if you were uncomfortable as long as she was. If you tried moving, she would look up and it was like she was saying, "Don't even think about it."

She always knew where her canned food was, even if you hid it. She would bat it around and that was her way of telling you she wanted it.
She was always picky about her water bowl too. It had to be filled to the rim so she could alp it up from the side. If it wasn't to the rim, she would nudge the kitchen faucet until water came out. If you didn't fill her bowl all the way, she would stare at it until you fixed it.
If you were in the middle of making the bed, she would sit on it so that the blankets would cover her up. She always managed to curl herself up into a ruffled blanket. You never knew she was in there until up picked it up. She would just look at you like you were stupid for waking her up.

When I was younger, I never treated her the way I wish I had. I always teased her to the point of her not trusting me. She always liked my mom the best because she always treated her nicely.
Towards the end of her life, I could tell she knew I loved her. I think she knew that her time was coming and spent more time with me. I knew she loved me, but I just wish I could go back and give her the love she deserved.

Nothing is Made to Last

Petals on flowers wither away
Leaves on branches always fall
Bridges collapse and are rebuilt
Buildings are strong but always need repairs done
Wires eventually wear and it's time to get a new TV, or CD player, or ceiling fan
Furnaces get old
Stoves lose their heating ability
Pens run dry
And paper gets recycled
Batteries can no longer charge when the juice is gone and juice gets digested and it's time to rehydrate
Computers and phones out-date
Tires become flat
Smooth, paved roads soon hit land or sea
Most things reach their limit and are not made to last
People quit their jobs or they get fired
They move away
And the living eventually die
Nothing lasts unless you really think about it
The one exception on this earth is love
Love stands the tests of time
It lasts even after one has died and continues in the minds and hearts of others
Most things have an ending because they aren't made to last
But love is

Irrelevant Satisfaction

Satisfaction came in by way of attack, of shock and surprise.
To know that someone so heartless and cruel could show affection towards someone who always feared heartbreak, pleases me in the worst ways imagined.
The things I had feared before are completely irrelevant now.
The lies and deception that once inflamed my anger have completely dissipated.
I can sense the anxiety in the words but at the same time I can't tell if it's just the sense of being okay with the situation or a cry for help.
The help I longed for in the past and the residence I should have kept.
But not knowing the help I needed was already being attended to in the future befuddles me.
I know now the relief I longed for before.
That the hope of a satisfying conclusion has come in an unwanted package and been made irrevocable.
My loss and pain has created happiness.
And it frustrates me on so many levels.
But I know there's nothing I can do about it.
And although my heart cries with envy, I'm fine with the outcome and I've come to terms with it...however evasive I may I find it.
I must learned to remember: it's irrelevant and I should move on with the satisfaction I have attained.
The satisfaction of knowing that love can come in by way of attack, of shock and surprise, even if it's not to me.

When My Eyes Are Closed

As my heart beats unrulingly, I realize I don't want to let this feeling escape.
I need more.
I need to feel the intoxication of it run through my veins straight through my pulsating heart.
I've always wanted someone that took my breath away with a single look, or touch, or speech.
I never imaged it before to be quite like this though.
I'm barely awake but somehow it feels like I'm living in this dream that has been brought to life.
I can feel his warm arms embracing me, pulling me closer so that I can feel the even beating of his heart.
I wonder how anyone could resist such an alluring sensation.
The anticipation of it all is simply too sweet to resist and I falter to my mercurial infatuation with him.
I seem to reject the tranquility that surrounds me because of how tedious I find everything to be.
But then I realize every time I feel the sensation racing, it's merely a fantasy in my head when my eyes are closed.
Reality comes and bites me in places I'd expect it to.
I sulk in thoughts of my loneliness and wish my fantasy could resurrect.
I ponder in the moment that creates this image of something real.
It is real, I know it is.
Why can't it be?
I close my eyes hoping for a miracle.
That my wild perception of my fictitious life could some how appear in front of me.
But I know it won't.
It can't.
The sensation I felt rush through my heart is diluted and fanciful.
I know it can never body my reality.
The reality I know never exists when my eyes are open.

Multiple Shades of Blue/Two Shades of Grey

Multiple shades of blue
Like the swollen area around the eye after a blow to the head
Multiple shades of orange
Like the sky as the sun fades into the ground
Multiple shades of brown
Like the bruise on my foot after getting trampled on by a spiked heel
Multiple shades of green
Like your face after eating a sandwich with salmonella infested peanut butter
Multiple shades of blue
Like the color of my heart after hearing those words come straight from your mouth
And a hint of teal
In the tears that fell that day when the colors turned into two shades of grey


I'm living in a world that's two shades of grey
With children holding big red balloons
And folks that say "Hey!"
But who cares about color
And who knows what that means
Because rainbows in the sky
Aren't always what the seem
I'm living in a world that's two shades of grey
Where circles and lines connect
And people mean what they say
So say what you mean
And mean what you say
Say what you feel
Because feeling's okay
You say what you feel
You feel what you need
Because needing's a feeling
But feelings recede

Etiquette Part 4 - Under-disciplined Children in Public Places

Working at a restaurant, I see all kinds of people. From people who love to complain about service, yet still come back, to please customers who tip extra every time. There's rude people and people who are patient beyond belief, and then there is their children.
Where do I begin? I simply love those children who come in, are well behaved, and even say thank you when they're handed a menu. But the one thing I have little patience for is misbehaving children in public.
For instance, I was working one night where this little boy, maybe 4 years old, would not behave. He complained about his food, his drink, his chair...everything. He would not stop crying if he didn't get his way. His parents constantly left the table trying to get him to calm down but it seemed nothing would work. They even spent $2 on the 25 cent M&M machine to get him to shut up.
At one point, his mother asked if there was a coloring book he could have. So, I gave one for her son and one for her daughter who was probably around 7 years old; which by the way, was also trying to get her brother to calm down. The daughter came back once to get another box of crayons because her brother broke them all, and then came back again because he took hers and wouldn't share.
I kept thinking, honestly, haven't these kids' parents taught this unruly child any manners?
I would hate to have a kid like that and I would hate to be the mother of the child that EVERYONE was staring at. If your child is this unruly in public, I have a suggestion.
Take him through the McDonald's drive thru, get a babysitter, and leave him home. It would save you embarrassment and annoyance for everyone around you.
That, or learn to keep your kid under control.
I understand that kids have their temper tantrums, but when they last for an hour or so while you're in public, something needs to change.

Change

In recent discoveries on my blog on MySpace...and yes I said MySpace...I found a "blog" where I posted a survey. I posted it on April 15, 2006, over 3 years ago. So, to see how much I have changed, I decided to allow you readers out there to enjoy my old survey in contrast with the new one. Enjoy.


OLD SURVEY

Ultimate Opposite Sex Survey (for girls)
--Your Favorite--
Hair Color:: light brown...maybe
Eye Color:: brown
(Their)Music Genre Preference:: anything but goth/screaming music
Height(estimate):: over 6'1"
Age:: well now within 3 years of my age
Personality Type:: fun/spontaneous, funny, very nice, caring...
--This or That--
Older or Younger:: older
Romantic or Horndog:: i'm a hopeless romantic so he has to be too
Smart or Stupid:: smart but not too smart
Fat or Skinny:: well built...not fat and not anorexic looking
Skinny but Muscular or Big and Muscular::
i kinda just answered that
Punk or Preppy:: preppy
The Big Picture or the Little Things:: little things are what count
Flowers/Candy or Big Expensive Present:: not big expensive but not flowers/candy
Mixtape or Burned CD:: burned cd
Love or Lust:: somewhere in the middle
Emotional or Just Not:: middle
Sincere or Jokester:: middle
Hott and mean or Ugly and sweet:: how about nice looking and genuine?
Sexy or Just Cute:: middle
Arse or Abs:: abs
Hair or Hands:: idk what that's asking but hands i guess
Dimples or Eyes:: eyes
Biceps or Calves/Thighs:: biceps
Teeth or Nose(some people are just wierd) :: teeth
Clean Shaven or Scruffy:: shaven
Rugged or Prim and Proper:: middle
Countryboy or Cityboy:: how about mason city boy?
Date alone or With Friends:: alone
Mama's Boy or Rebel Without A Cause:: middle
--Have You Ever--
Dumped a guy because he liked you too much:: no
Loved a guy because he stalked you:: no
Loved a guy because he hated you:: yes
Asked your friend's crush out:: sort of
Lead a guy on for kicks:: yes
Asked a guy out purely because he was hott:: nah
Flirted with guys even though you had a boyfriend:: sort of
Lied about not having a boyfriend:: no
Lied about having one:: no
Cheated:: no
Been Cheated on:: no
Had a crush on a gay guy:: i hope not
--Their Clothing(yes/no)--
Boxers?:: yes
Briefs?:: no
Hat?:: no
Skater Shoes?:: no
Pimp Shoes?:: no
Band Shirts?:: yes
Vintage shirts?:: yes
Southpole/um..other thug clothes..?:: no
Dixie Outfitters/Big Johnsons?:: idk that one
Independent/DC?:: yes?
S&M/Little Devil?:: what?
Fox/Thor?:: ?
Jeans or Shorts?:: yes
--Be Honest--
Would you ever date a guy for his money?:: no
Would you ever date a guy for his social status?:: yes
Have you ever liked hanging out with your bf's friends more than him?:: yes
Have you ever pretended to like somebody to make them feel better?::maybe?
Have you called a girl a whore, when you were screwing lots of guys?:: no
Do looks matter?:: a little yes
Are you honestly scared of being dumped?:: kinda
Does size matter?:: i'd like to think so
Do you avoid 'situations' with ugly guys?:: guilty
Are you ashamed to be seen with your ugly friends?:: no
Are you ashamed for being ashamed?(you better be):: yes
Do you hide things from your crushes/guy friends/bf?:: yes
Do you lie about masturbation for attention or false innocence?:: no
Do you really want a guy to say if those jeans make your butt look fat?:: no
Are you dissapointed when your bf doesn't say I love you right away?:: no
Wanna be a virgin till marriage?:: it's been successful so far
Do you really love the guys everytime that you say it?:: i've never said it
Do you dream about your crushes/bfs/guy friends?:: omg yes
Would you makeout with a guy friend just to get it over with/curiosity?:: i don't think so
Does this survey suck nuts?:: nope



NEW SURVEY

Ultimate Opposite Sex Survey (for girls)
--Your Favorite--
Hair Color:: brown
Eye Color:: brown or blue
(Their)Music Genre Preference:: i'm good with anything as long as he doesn't make me listen to screamo goth shit
Height(estimate):: at least 6' 2"
Age:: well i've liked people who have been up to 5 years older than me but that's the oldest i'll go for now but i've also liked people 2 years younger than me so...
Personality Type:: just look at my perfect man list and you'll know...ps it's not online so good luck finding it
--This or That--
Older or Younger:: depends but i'd prefer older
Romantic or Horndog:: definitely romantic
Smart or Stupid:: smart
Fat or Skinny:: neither, well built
Skinny but Muscular or Big and Muscular:: well porportioned
Punk or Preppy:: either, doesn't matter
The Big Picture or the Little Things:: "it's the little things that count" -wedding singer
Flowers/Candy or Big Expensive Present:: i'm good with either
Mixtape or Burned CD:: mixtape? wow this is old...how about a playlist?
Love or Lust:: love love love love
Emotional or Just Not:: Excerpt from the perfect man list: "Is in touch with his feelings but doesn't cry more thanI do, and I don't cry that often."
Sincere or Jokester:: sincere
Hott and mean or Ugly and sweet:: neither, i'd take an average looking guy that's kind over both of those
Sexy or Just Cute:: i'm good with just cute
Arse or Abs:: abs
Hair or Hands:: those don't compare...
Dimples or Eyes:: these don't either but i'd go with nice eyes over dimples
Biceps or Calves/Thighs:: gotta love them arms
Teeth or Nose(some people are just wierd) :: teeth, def teeth
Clean Shaven or Scruffy:: i like both
Rugged or Prim and Proper:: again, i don't mind either...okay wait, he can't be like uptight proper tho
Countryboy or Cityboy:: cityboy
Date alone or With Friends:: alone but group dates are fun every once in awhile
Mama's Boy or Rebel Without A Cause:: def middle
--Have You Ever--
Dumped a guy because he liked you too much:: well i wasn't really dating him but i def shyed away because he was too clingy
Loved a guy because he stalked you:: no ...that's weird
Loved a guy because he hated you:: i wouldn't say hate but he didn't like me
Asked your friend's crush out:: long time ago...completely wrong tho, i'm prefer not dating someone that one of my friends like or has been with
Lead a guy on for kicks:: not for kicks, it was hard to get out of
Asked a guy out purely because he was hott:: well i hung out with a guy cuz i thought he was hot and that was about the only reason haha
Flirted with guys even though you had a boyfriend:: probably did it and didn't realize it
Lied about not having a boyfriend:: no, that's dumb
Lied about having one:: nope
Cheated:: never have, never will
Been Cheated on:: yup
Had a crush on a gay guy:: probably...
--Their Clothing(yes/no)--
Boxers?:: yes
Briefs?:: eh, no tighty whities
Hat?:: sure
Skater Shoes?:: sure
Pimp Shoes?:: no?
Band Shirts?:: sure
Vintage shirts?:: yup
Southpole/um..other thug clothes..?:: nah
Dixie Outfitters/Big Johnsons?:: idk that one
Independent/DC?:: don't know that one either...
S&M/Little Devil?:: or this one...
Fox/Thor?:: ummmm...
Jeans or Shorts?:: yes
--Be Honest--
Would you ever date a guy for his money?:: well in this economy....haha no jk
Would you ever date a guy for his social status?:: i don't think so
Have you ever liked hanging out with your bf's friends more than him?:: sometimes
Have you ever pretended to like somebody to make them feel better?:: i've hung out with them but nothing more
Have you called a girl a whore, when you were screwing lots of guys?:: no way...if i have, it's a lie
Do looks matter?:: yes, a little...there has to be some physical attraction to the person
Are you honestly scared of being dumped?:: well i don't like it...
Does size matter?:: yeah actually it does for some things
Do you avoid 'situations' with ugly guys?::well, i wouldn't try and get with a guy i wasn't attracted to physically if that's what you're asking...
Are you ashamed to be seen with your ugly friends?:: none of my friends are ugly
Are you ashamed for being ashamed?(you better be):: N/A
Do you hide things from your crushes/guy friends/bf?:: of course, he can't know EVERYTHING
Do you lie about masturbation for attention or false innocence?:: no, everyone does it and if they don't, they're missing out haha
Do you really want a guy to say if those jeans make your butt look fat?:: you know, that would almost be a compliment considering mine is very small.
Are you dissapointed when your bf doesn't say I love you right away?:: a little, but i'd want him to say it when he's ready
Wanna be a virgin till marriage?:: well, about that...
Do you really love the guys everytime that you say it?:: yes
Do you dream about your crushes/bfs/guy friends?:: um yeah...
Would you makeout with a guy friend just to get it over with/curiosity?:: idk, it depends if we had feelings for each other...
Does this survey suck nuts?: this is a stupid question

Under the Moonlight*

Sitting in the moonlight
Listening to the night
Listening to the quiet
The crickets
The wind
The snoozes of the birds
Feeling the night air
Feeling it on your face
Feeling it on your skin
As it tingles
As it chills
Sense the calm
Sense the serenity
Sense the peace
Under the moonlight
Under the stars
Sitting
Listening
Feeling
Sensing the night
Under the moonlight

*Inspired by Thomas Mirowski

Dark Night's End

Shadows in the dark
Movement in the night
Stillness in the dawn
Nothings in the lights
When the sun goes down
The fun begins
The streets are full
But full of sins
Full of joy
Full like the moon
People forget
That sun comes soon
The shadows are real
Real with the light
And the dark is over
Goodbye night

Petal Picker

He loves me
He loves me not
He loves me
He loves...
And it continues
With each petal
With each hope and wish
One by one they fall
Floating on air currents
Until they reach the floor
Until they reach the bottom
Until the wish is fulfilled
Or not...
He loves me
He loves me not
The petals are torn
They fall one by one
Until there's none
He loves me...
Not

Iowa Sunset

Growing up in Iowa...
No valleys
No oceans
No mountains do I see
Only fields of corn
And patches of trees in the country make up the landscape
Wait until the sun sets
The sunsets...
They create a picture
In the distance
In the sky
The clouds sink down
They appear as mountains in the distance
The sky lights up
Like a horizontal rainbow
Yellow, orange, pink
Light greens and blues
Then it fades into the ground
The night begins

Stealing is NOT Okay

On a recent job application I was asked the question with variants of agreeableness, "People will usually steal if they know they will get away with it."

I had to think about it for awhile, would I steal something if I knew I could get away with it? And I finally came to the conclusion that I wouldn't. I mean the possibility is always there, but the one thing that is holding me back is that it's just wrong.

Now, some of you may think that I am just being a coward, but that's not it. Too much of me thinks about the what ifs.
What if...I was the person in charge and found out that I had been stolen from? I would have to tell it to my manager, boss, supervisor or whatever. It would be on my shoulders, it would be partially my fault for not catching the act.
What if...Someone stole something from me? I would feel pissed, frustrated, sad, revengeful, betrayed, and so many other emotions. And what if it was something irreplaceable?
What if...The cops got involved?
What if...I did get caught?
What if...It hurt someone else's reputation?
There are just too many things that go through my mind that stop me.

In an instance today, I caught someone stealing from me. The neighbors that live behind me on the other block jumped my fence, stole a few rhubarb stalks, and then left the leaves on top of the plant to, I don't know, make it look like an animal did it?

I was sitting right there next to the window. Did he not see me? And if he did, did he think I didn't notice? I didn't do anything just because I simply was too lazy, but now that I think about I should have.

I don't care that it was rhubarb and that it regrows, it was the fact that he took it without asking. Like honestly, who does that? It's rhubarb. Is it really that worth stealing? And if you really wanted it that bad, can't you just ask?

But that brings me to another thing, this isn't the first time I've seen him in my backyard. I was up late, around 2 AM, and I saw him with a flashlight in my backyard. I figured he just lost something and hopped the fence to look for it so I turned the light on. Now that I think about it, what he brought back kind of looked like a stalk of rhubarb. WTF? It makes me wonder what else he comes into our yard for. My mother's garden statues? The tomato garden? Our flowers?

All I know is for the next time I see him in our backyard, I'm gonna make sure he doesn't steal something again because stealing is NOT okay in my book.

RIP MJ

So, I decided to do my own little input about the death of pop icon, Michael Jackson.

When any celebrity dies, the media, fans, and anyone else who pays attention to what's going on in the world, hype up the person's death and it is talked about for what seems like forever.

A death of a celebrity makes sales of merchandise, movies, music, etc. sky-rocket. Celebrities can even win awards just because they died. However, in some cases the award given is well deserved for their performance, i.e: Heath Ledger winning of a Golden Globe and an Oscar for his performance in The Dark Knight.

On the day of this post, Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital due to cardiac arrest. TMZ.com was the first to report his death, however, it wasn't confirmed until a half hour later.

Michael Jackson's death was all over the news. By the time the news about his hospitalization had surfaced, the death of Farrah Fawcett from the morning was old news. Yes, she was an icon from the 70's but didn't make quite the impact as Michael did.

I grew up listening to Michael Jackson in the house. My dad loved him and my mom loved The Jackson Five. My dad and I even had arguments about when he looked the best; I thought he looked the best in the "Beat It" video, while he thinks he looks his best in the "Black and White" video...sorry Dad, but he is white in the video, he doesn't look natural.

Like I said earlier in the post, most celebrities' deaths are over-hyped. However, I believe the hype of Michael Jackson's death is well deserved. He shouldn't be remembered for the court hearings and tribulations with Neverland Ranch. It's time to remember him for the greatness he brought to the entertainment industry.

We all know the about everything that happened with Michael, from his face reconstructions and troubles with his dad, to being accused of pedophilia and hanging his baby, Blanket off of a balcony.

But aside from that, Michael Jackson should forever be remembered as a music legend and pop culture icon. However messed up in the head he was, he was a musical genius. From composing songs and recording an album, to performing live and creating videos; he was pure genius. His music has influenced SO many people in the music industry. You can easily see his mannerisms in Justin Timberlake, Usher, Chris Brown, and so many other Pop and R&B singers.

He made SUCH an impact on the entire music industry of the world. He has cultivated his own style of dance and song that others are compared to him, but there is no one like Michael Jackson and there never will be again. He in his own way is and was and will forever be an icon, a style, an undeniable legend, and artist.

The King of Pop will surely be missed by millions all around the world.

Hope and Perseverance

The world is once again, going the right way.
It spins in the direction that I want it to.
It spins towards the sun.
Oh, those sunny days treat me well.
The rays beaming down on my face feel so great.
I don't mind the heat, it makes it that much better.
I don't mind the sweat, my pores rid the negativity.
The world is once again, going the right way.
It spins towards reassurance that everything is going to be okay.
That I can finally ease my mind.
That I can finally get some sleep.
That this face can smile knowing things are better.
That I've done right and my hope and perseverance has finally got me what I wanted in the end.

New Blog

I have a new blog for my photography.

Check it.

Kaptivating Creations Photography

The Hardest Day

Getting through yesterday was the hardest.
I didn't think I would be able to do it.
Each second, each moment felt like it was lasting forever.
In every thought, every minute there was you.
I just wanted it to stop.
I just wanted it to end.
I couldn't stop thinking about it.
I couldn't stop thinking about you.
You didn't belong to me.
You didn't belong there.
I had to get you out.
I couldn't get you out of my head.
I couldn't get you out of my heart.
Yesterday is over now.
I thought it would never end.

Today is going to be hard to get through, I already know it.
I'm not sure if I can do it.
Each second, each moment feels like it's lasting forever.
In every thought, every minute you're there.
I just want it to stop.
I just want it to end.
Why can't I stop thinking about it?
Why can't I stop thinking about you?
You don't belong to me.
You don't belong here.
Get out of my head.
Get out of my heart.
I can't even imagine what tomorrow will hold.
It will be better than today, I just know it.
Today is the hardest.
I don't think it will ever end.

Tomorrow will be easier to get through, I just know it.
I'm not sure what it will bring, but I know I can do it.
Each second, each moment will fly by.
In every thought, every minute you'll be but a memory.
It will stop.
It will end.
I'll be able to stop thinking about it.
I'll be able to stop thinking of you.
You don't belong to me, it's as easy as that.
You don't belong here so, why should I care?
My head will be free.
My heart will be mended.
Tomorrow will be great.
It will be easier that today and yesterday, I just know it.
Tomorrow will end and I'll finally be okay.

The Music is Me

Push it.
Just push it.
Just push play.
Do it already!
I need to hear it.
I need to hear that song.
I need to.
I need to feel happy again.
It's the only thing that can.
It's the only thing that makes me feel normal.
That music.
It plays a melody straight in my heart.
It takes over my sadness.
It takes over my brain and my mind.
Don't press pause.
Don't press stop.
Just let it play.
Just let me listen.
Let the words ignite the fire.
Let the harmonies calm the storm.
Let the rhythm make my heart beat.
No, don't do it!
Don't let it stop.
Put it on shuffle.
Put it on repeat.
Let the record spin.
Let the CD spin.
Let the mp3 play.
Let the play list replay.
Shh...
Just listen.
Listen to the music.
Listen to the mood.
Let it sink in.
The music takes over my thoughts.
The music takes over my emotions.
The music takes over my life in this moment.
In this solitary moment.
The music is inside of me.
The music is me.
The music is me.

Not Even Mine

It feels like my heart has been pulled from my chest and shoved in my stomach. The thought of never seeing him again causes a painstaking beat in my heart. It's hard to lose a loved one.

But I never knew it could be hard to lose someone who's not yours, who never was your to begin with, and probably never would be yours in the future.

After all, someone else has his heart. But I know that's not it. There's something about the way he looks at me...the way he speaks to me.
It's in his voice.
I know it is.
That's why this is so hard. I don't want to lose it. I can't stand the thought of losing him. Every time he's around, a smile is brought to my face and my eyes light up.
It's true what they say - you never knew what you had until it's gone.

But I never had him. He wasn't mine...never was to begin with, and probably never would have been in the future.

So, why do I feel like I've been raped of the one I care about most? Why do I feel like there's more...more than what people see or know...more than what I can explain or feel...but there's the feeling and knowing he's not even mine.

The Answers

I wish I had all the answers but sadly enough I don't.
No one does.
I wish I knew what to do next.
Which step to take.
Which bound to leap.
Which path to follow.
I wish I knew how to move on and to let go of things that don't matter anymore.
Or how to find exactly what I want.
I wish I was more happy more often.
But I wish I knew how to reach that happiness.
I wish I knew how to evolve my heart with my brain so that I could feel exactly what I wanted to when I wanted.
So that I could heal old wounds and re-build the wall that was once protecting my heart.
I wish I could allow it to open to those who deserve it.
I wish I had all the answers, but sadly enough don't.
No one does.
I wish I knew what to do next.
Which step to take.
Which bound to leap.
Which path to follow.
I wish I knew right from wrong and fact from fiction.
I wish that life came with instructions and signs that told you "Wrong Way" or "Do Not Enter."
I wish I had all the answers.
Instead, I make mistakes and learn.

Oh, Loaner Phone*

*Sung in the tune of "Oh, Christmas Tree"

Oh, loaner phone
Oh, loaner phone
I really, really hate you
Oh, loaner phone
Oh, loaner phone
I use you, I don't want to
My moto RAZR's screen went black
How I wish I had it back
Oh, loaner phone
Oh, loaner phone
I really, really hate you

Oh, loaner phone
Oh, loaner phone
I very much dislike you
Oh, loaner phone
Oh, loaner phone
I don't know what I will do
An LG, "Life is Good"
Those who use are from the hood (small joke)
Oh, loaner phone
Oh, loaner phone
I very much dislike you

Midnight Streets

6/3/09

I'm in a strange city where no one knows my name.
I walk up and down the black-paved streets and find myself wandering up and down.
Back and forth.
Around and around in circles.
Wondering where the hell I'm going.
I enter a local store to ask for directions.
As soon as they went to speak I noticed their tongues were black.
They spoke English but the words that came out of my mouth were incomprehensible.
Screaming at the top of my lungs I shouted, "Why can't you understand?! Why aren't you listening?!"
I left the shop frustrated, anxious, and short of breath.
What am I going to do?
Everything is black.
Nothing around me is familiar.
Nothing around me is welcoming.
Nothing around me is enjoyable.
I entered a coffee shop hoping for a little familiarity and a turtle mocha to calm my nerves.
Everyone sat around with their heads buried in a novel as they sipped from their off-white colored mug.
I went to order my drink and they all sat up and looked in my direction with their black retro sunglasses on.
I couldn't see their eyes, but I knew they weren't even looking at me.
I looked at the list of drinks.
The first said: Coffee - Black.
The next said: Coffee - Black.
All they had was black coffee.
No cream.
No sugar.
No flavor shots.
I wasn't wanting something hard and tasteless so I left.
I could feel the eyes on me as I left.
It was night time which didn't help me find a way out.
There were no stars.
Not a single glimmer of light.
No dusk or dawn or hint of sun.
The moon even hid from the midnight sky.
It was pitch black.
Then street lights lit up the town.
Each one was perfectly in alignment with the next.
From a distance, it appeared only one on each side lit up the whole street.
Like magic.
As I kept walking, the light behind me turned off.
One by one...
I ran faster to escape the dark and escape the foreign town.
But the lights continued to die with my pace.
I couldn't escape and soon I was blind.
Everything was black.
Then a single light shone down on me.
I was back where I had started.
Walking up and down that black-paved street where no one knew my name.

That Face

6/3/09

That face I knew before
Those eyes I've already seen through
Those cheeks I've brushed against with mine
Those lips I've kissed a dozen times
Those hands I've held and that neck I've caressed
Those ears I've whispered in
That smile once shone for me
Those words spilled from his mouth telling me what I wanted to hear
That heart, my heart soaked up every last phrase
That girl, this girl was once a victim of that face
A victim of those eyes
A victim of those cheeks
Those lips
Those hands
That heart
His mind
That girl once worried
This girl once knew what pain
That pain
Those tears once fell from that face
My face and from my eyes
That heart once full did break and that wall protecting it had fallen
But that face
Those lips
Those eyes
Are looking into her eyes
And her eyes
And hers...
Those hands are being held by her hands
That face
That charming, curious, and conniving face
Doesn't know this girl
Doesn't know this face
This face that smiles for the first time on its own
Without that face

My Aiden

6/3/09



Enjoying a night alone with my thoughts...

I love watching Sex and the City. It makes me wish I could live the life of Carrie Bradshaw - but only the life she had when she was with Aiden.
He was my favorite.
He was perfect and they were perfect together...until she messed it up by screwing Big...anyway...
My mom and I were watching the episode when they first started dating. He fixed a romantic bubble bath. My mom said she wished she has someone that thoughtful.
As do I.
My mom and I had a conversation one night about how I am afraid I will never get married. After all, some people don't.
But she said if that were true for me, God wouldn't have put the desire to find someone in my heart.
But after watching SATC, I thought about that. My mom has the desire, but hasn't someone to share that same desire with. I realize she's been married before, but they weren't equal desires.
My mom is in her 50's and she hasn't found that one person to share her desire with, so what does that leave for me?
Although I have my whole life ahead of me, why is the desire to find that person so strong?
Why does my heart burn with a passion that is so intense it breaks my heart?
Why can't I be more patient?
Why can't these questions be answered?
Why am I such a sap?
All I ask is to find an Aiden to my Carrie.
All I ask is to be happy.

You Have Chosen Door Number __!

6/1/09

In front of me, I've found three doors. And I know I'm risking a lot with these three doors. I'm not sure what is behind door number one.
It's big and the framing is sturdy. I can't tell if it's what I want. Although the floor mat says welcome in very bold letters, I'm afraid I'm just not curious enough to find what is behind it. There is nothing about it that calls, "Pick me!"
There is nothing about it that makes me interested.
Door number two is very intriguing. I'm very interested in what's behind it.
However, I feel like Alice in Wonderland when I try to open it. It simply is too small for me to walk into. And although I want to open it, it's locked so, there is no use really in attempting to open a locked door. So, all I have left is door number three.
This door has something that I like. It's familiar, like I've opened it before. It's welcome mat is simple and the perfect size. The door's frame has fine design and its size seems to fit.
I've opened it before, I'm sure of it. But what lies behind it is different from before. I can't tell if what is behind it now will make me feel better about my decision. Am I opening the right door? Will I regret it?
And if I do regret it, I think I can be okay with that.
Life has no regrets.
Just lessons learned for the next door to be opened.

Early Morning Raindrops

This obviously doesn't correspond with the date and time of the post.


It's nearly 2 AM and it's raining.
I can hear it lightly hit my window.
I can hear it run down the gutter.
It's nearly 2 AM and it's raining.
My body is tired and my eyes are drooping.
I'm hunched over sitting at my computer wondering why I'm still up.
I got much more sleep when my Internet was down.
It's nearly 2 AM and it's raining.
The pace in which it pours is constant.
It's dripping steadily.
No thunder.
No lightning.
And pitch black.
I much rather enjoy the rain on cloudy days so I can sit, watch, and listen to the drops.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
It's nearly 2 AM and it's raining.
I have class in the morning so, I don't know why my body fails to remove itself from this position.
I sit catching up the latest social network news.
Who did what.
Who did who.
I've missed out on a lot these past few weeks.
It's time to catch up on my creeping.
Don't deny it, everyone does it.
Sometimes I rely a little too much on the information online.
But that's what the world is coming to.
It's all technology.
It's all online.
It's 2 AM and it's raining.
I think it's time to unplug myself and catch up on my own life.
It's time to sit, watch, and listen to the rain.

Getting Lost

There are places you go that you know like back of your hand. With every corner turned, you could travel ten blocks and know exactly how to get back to your starting point even by taking a completely different way.
There are certain paths with which you are familiar and comfortable, just like your hometown. But there are places you have no clue where to go and how to get back. You have to use a map and you have have to ask for directions from a stranger. But you're okay with doing so because it's normal to not know where to go in a foreign place.
Now this brings me to places you think you know so well, but come to find you are not so familiar with as you thought.
The other day I decided to go for a bike ride by myself and explore the nature trail not too far from my house. I've ridden these trails many times since I was about 7 years old. I knew my way to the nature center and back because of how many times I've taken it.
The thing was, I got lost in the woods. My first mistake was not taking the main entry way but instead wandering to a restricted dump area behind some warehouse I've never seen, and entered the trail from a side trail. However, I found an area that I was familiar with and continued on my journey to find this "hidden" pond area I was looking for. Well, funny thing is I forgot how to get there but managed to find myself at the nature center. So after I rested a little while, I decided to head back home.
But along the way, I found an area I thought was a way to the pond and then it wasn't, so I found I was really lost. Instead of going back the way I came, I decided to take a different path hoping it would lead me to a familiar place. It did. However, I found myself by the cement plant on the outside of town on top of a railroad that goes over a street. I was far too tired after riding for 3 hours to go back the way I came, so I had my dad come rescue me.
While waiting, I also managed to throw myself from my bike on a cement road.
So, how did I manage to get myself into this predicament?
Easy. Just because I think I know where I'm going, doesn't mean I won't get lost on the way. There are many paths to choose from, but not every one of them will lead me where I need to go, even if I think they will.
I could have asked people I passed where to go, but I chose not to for my own insecurity reasons, maybe? I don't know.
But this little story leads me to a good point.
I'll be living in Iowa City next year. Although I know my way through parts of campus, doesn't mean I know the whole town. Being afraid to ask how to get somewhere will allow me to lose my way.
Getting lost isn't always the best way to find your way back.
Asking questions may feel stupid, but the only way to learn your surroundings is to know when to ask for help when you get lost along the way.

My City

The sun beams down on my back as I walk on the sidewalk. I remember taking this road, and that road. Down this hill and through this yard.
I remember stopping at this light and entering this door.
I remember the walks.
I remember the talks.
Three years ago this July will be the last time I remember summer here. Walking by the old capitol, taking the blue route, having to sneak out the back of the dorm to check out downtown when we weren't supposed to. Shopping off campus but returning just in time for out sessions.
I remember thinking, someday this will be mine. This is where I'm meant to be.
Three years ago this July I remember catching a bite at B Dubs and buying purses at the secondhand store. I remember the rings and the shocker luv.
I remember the study sessions in the brand new facility.
I can't believe it's been three years.
Three years ago this July I was saying this will be my school.
And now the time is finally here. Finally, this is my school.
This is my building.
This is my downtown.
This is my campus.
This is my city.
This is my Iowa City.

Boom!

It hits me like a bomb to my stomach
The image is etched in my mind
The simple thought of it throws me over the edge
It bothers me to the boiling point
How could it be true?
How irritated
How angry
How upset could I possibly be?
The frown upon my face isn't enough?
The frown upon the idea doesn't stop it
The question of if it's wrong doesn't make you think?
The emptiness in my stomach even makes me throw up
The emptiness in my heart makes it pound with pain
What in your right mind makes it okay?
The lies and deception and heartache could never be enough?
The sorrow I feel isn't worth it?
It's like a bullet to the chest that doesn't bleed
It just throbs and the pain lingers
My burning tears aren't even a sign
My previous knowledge doesn't even count
The thought makes me sick to my stomach
I frown at the idea
I'm upset at the thought
It's a dive over the cliff that doesn't kill
It hits me like a bomb to my stomach
Boom! I thought I died
But the pain is still there

Summer Thrill

I don't know what to do anymore with these lonely nights
Sometimes I feel like I can't move on, I can't win this fight
No more crying and no more worries
There's nothing more, there is no hurry
I know from these tears, I know from this heart
A pain like this keeps me falling apart
What will I do without you near?
What will I do without you here?
I never knew what being strong was until I didn't know how to do it
I didn't know a heart could break until you put me through it
Tell me how to let my sorrow waste away
I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say
That summer heat won't feel the same without you by my side
My hand in the wind won't feel the same as it does when we ride
When we ride in your car
I couldn't care where we'd go or how far
Like going to the pond or to the fire
Where we could feel each other's desire
But that fire is dead, the heat is cool
The summer is cold and I'm left looking like a fool
A fool who feels like she's wasted her time
(Who never wrote down the very next line)
But that time we had together stood perfectly still
And it was all because you were my summer thrill

My Fear

Sorry if it seems like I'm rambling...I just had a lot of thoughts going on at once.


A few weeks ago, someone anonymously posted a poem and a bible verse on my blog entitled "No Fronts." It's a mix of wanting the good parts of a past relationship and wanting a love that has no fronts.
Whoever posted that comment could tell in my writing that a part of me still isn't over that person. The poem posted is entitled "Letting Go." The line that stuck in my head was: "To let go is to fear less and love more."
Whoever posted it, hit me right on the nose. That is just it, I do fear. And the bible verse from I John 4:18 says, "Where there is God’s love there is no fear, for His perfect love takes away all fear."
But the thing is I know I shouldn't fear because like I said in my poem "In His Hands," "It's In His hands now because I let it be. Because I know he knows what's best for me."
I want to be fearless of what my love life has yet to be, but I fear that what I had before will never happen again. It was one of the best relationships (official or not), that I've been in. It was also one with many obstacles, but we were willing to work through them, and for the longest time, we did.
That's why I'm afraid to let go. We were able to get through rough patches. But it seems everyone else is fine with a strike when a curve ball is thrown. Why are people so willing to take the easy road when the road gets rocky? Why are people so afraid of taking chances on something that takes effort? It's because they don't want to. They want to see if something easy will come along. They wait for a romance that has no imperfections.
But when something that seems to good to be true comes along, they start looking for those imperfections. But what if that's it? What if what is too good to be true isn't? What if that's what God has brought to you? What if the fear of losing something too good to be true exists. You're too afraid that it will end and never happen again. Why can't people let love have no fronts? Why do people have to question what is real and what feels right?
Why can't I let go of the fear of never being able to find something good again?
It's because my fear makes me question what feels right.
It's because my fear makes me feel in control.
It's because my fear disables me from letting go and loving more.

Escape

That feeling has finally arrived. I need out. I need to leave. I need an escape. My joyful days are gone and I'm ready to move on. I can't keep standing around waiting for something great to happen. I can't wait around for sun to shine again. I can't wait around for the clouds to pass over. I can't keeping swimming for brighter days because I know the water will run dry, and I'll eventually reach land. It's what I long for. It's what I crave. I need to set foot on something solid. I need to stand tall and walk forward. I need to leave behind the falling leaves and cold skies. I need to dillute my pain with something worth my time.

My stomach churns with feelings of loss and regret yet, it still moans with a hunger for something more filling. I can no longer feed on half-ass nutrients. I have not had my fill but I know I'll never able to be satisfied if I continue to linger around. I need to run far, far away and never look back. I need out. I need to leave. I need an escape.

It's MY Door

Mr. Opportunity must like skipping my door.
He never knocks.
If he did, I would open it.
I'd give a long awaited, warming welcome.
He likes to walk up to the stairs...
But he hesitates and leaves.
Then he goes to the person's house with whom he's used to and comfortable.
He likes to give opportunities to people who have already had them.
Multiple times.
Multiple chances.
But noooooooo...not me.
Not someone who actually deserves a chance for once.
Not one damn chance.
But wait!
Is that who I think it is?
Do you hear him?
He's at MY door!
This is epic!
I opened the door.
Finally, it's MY turn.
It's MY door being knocked on.
But somehow, I put myself in jeopardy.
I must now compete with the door that always gets knocked on.
But that's not fair.
It's my turn.
It's MY door.
Mr. Opportunity knocked on MY door!
And it's for the first time.
What if he forgets about my door?
But how could he forget?
How could he forget he knocked on MY door?
Oh...I know...
It's because he's not used to my door being knocked on.
He forgot that he gave me an opportunity.
But it's my opportunity.
It's MY door.

Final Words

In the words of Coldplay from the song, "The Scientist":

"Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start."

As I wrote my final column for the NIACC Logos, I used that song as an inspiration.

For those graduating, it may be the final time that any of us see some of the people we've grown to love.

At first, I didn't want to go to NIACC but I am glad I did. Not only did I save money and get a sufficient base to my college education, in the two years I have been here, I have met some of my best friends and I'm not just saying that.

"It's such a shame for us to part..."

I have a right to say that because it truly is a shame. My friends I knew from NIACC will always have a place in my heart, and I'll miss them terribly, (you know who you are).

While I think about who I will see in the future, I think about how hard it will be to see them once in a blue moon.

No one said leaving behind the memories from NIACC was going to be easy, and sometimes I wish I could go back to the start to spend more time with those I care about; those that I will have to travel some distance if I want to see them again.

I've grown close to a handful of people because of NIACC, and I am grateful I've met them. I don't know what I will do without them next year because none of us will be going to the same school. However, I have no doubt in my mind that our friendship will end because of that.

The summer is all that is left to see the faces I care about the most, but after that, who knows what will happen.

But whatever happens, I'm thankful for coming to NIACC where I,will have this summer, achieved an AA degree, saved some money, and met the best friends anyone could ask for. 

The Sun

This is not spring, it is death awaiting to be woken
The leaves no longer hug the trees
The ground is brown and lifeless
The wind doesn't sway the grass
It doesn't blow the dandelions
It doesn't cool the hot days because there are none
The sun is hiding behind the clouds
It can't bare to see the earth like this
But I need it
I need the sun to come out
I need to feel the warmth again
I need to hear children playing in the park
I need to see flowers blooming that color my world
I want to touch the greens, the yellows, the reds, and the blues
Half the clouds are dark and half the clouds are white fluff
They tell me spring is coming
They tell me the sun is coming
But the dark clouds won't let it
They scare the sun away
But it doesn't realize I need it
I need it to come back
It's the only thing that makes me smile
It's the only thing that puts life in my eyes
I need it to be brave
I need it to forget about what the dark clouds say
The sun is too powerful to let them defeat it
The sun is the one thing that warms my heart
It's the only thing that brightens my day
It's the only thing that can make my world feel whole
It's the only thing that doesn't realize it's wanted
The sun is wanted again
Bring back the happiness and heat I once felt before winter
Bring back the fever
Bring back the sun

Movie Versions of Books

It seems like every movie put out these days is unoriginal and taken from a book. I’ll admit to watching movies without reading the book first. But in that case, I feel like if I read the book first, I’m going to be disappointed when I see the movie.
In such an instance, one of my friends commented on the recent hit, Twilight. She read the book first and then saw the movie. She said she pictured the main girl, Bella to be more awkward in the movie as she was in the book.
One of the things with reading is you get to imagine what happens rather than someone describing a scene in one certain way.
With reading a book, the author gives such detail that allows a reader to be creative and come up with their own little world inside their head.Another thing with creating images, when seeing a movie after reading the book, the viewer can sometimes get lost in the movie version and forget what they had imagined from the book.
I know when I read some of the Harry Potter books, I had certain images that developed in my mind from the book, but after I saw the movies, it sort of distorted my mental images.
Also, some books are over 500 pages long. If movies adapted the plot page by page, it would be well over 3 hours long. Why else is the third Lord of the Rings movie was about 3 hours long? It was because they had to condense almost 500 pages into a reasonable length for a movie. But with that, you lose vital information to a story you normally wouldn’t know if you watched the movie version.
And even when movies use most the book, they add their own spin to it and put scenes in a movie that weren’t even in the book.
Take for instance The Count of Monte Cristo. I have never gotten around to finishing the actual book, but I know enough about the differences between the movie and the book. The movie completely destroys the book from the way people die to Dantes having a son by Mercedes, which he never did in the book.
Although I have seen movies where I have not read the book, I know well enough that 99% of the time, the story written is better than the story perceived on film.

Etiquette Part 3 - The Grocery Store

The other day, I decided I wanted my favorite sandwich for lunch: the Papa's Club. But I decided I didn't want to go to Papa's to get it. So, I want to Hy-Vee to get the supplies. All I needed was tomato, lettuce, and bacon because I had all the other ingredients at home. And I realize those ingredients make a sandwich on their own, but it's not a BLT...anyway...Here is the list of things I bought: 2 bags of pre-made salad, a tomato, croutons, and bacon; that is five items.

Like in almost every grocery store and/or department store, there is at least one checkout lane for 10/12/20 items or less. At Hy-Vee there is one check-out lane for 12 items or less divided for 2 cashiers. They had one open, but I didn't really care because I can have the patience for someone with 12 items or less ahead of me. So, I took my 5 items to the proper lane, stopped, looked, and walked away angry.

I bet you can't guess why. Why would someone be angry and go to a different lane for 5 items? I'll tell you why.

Some FUCKING DOUCHE BAG who thinks he can get away with about 50 items in the the fucking express aisle.

Seriously? Are you that much of an ass hole that you can make people who have 5 items wait for your 50 items in the fucking express aisle? Can you not read the damn sign above that says in clear English 12 items or less? And even if you didn't see it, can't you see the others in line only have like a handful of items?But you should know what the first lane is for. Isn't it kind of taboo to not have the express aisle be the very first aisle? You NEVER see the express aisle 5 or 6 lanes in, do you? NO. It's called common knowledge and courtesy that you go to a regular aisle with your damn 50 items.

PS: It just makes you look like a total tool bag too in that aisle anyway.

Regardless of how irritated I was at this idiot, my sandwich was delicious. =]

No Fronts

I would be lying if I said there wasn't anything about him that I miss.
I want what we had before the pain, before the arguments, before the distance, and before the hidden demeanours.
But dwelling on the good times of the past disallows me to look ahead to the future.
Maybe he'll remain in it.
Maybe he won't.
Whatever the fates allow, I'm willing to deal with.
I'm willing to surrender my heart to someone worth sacrificing it to.
Someone who I can trust and should trust to cradel my heart with nothing but faith, hope, and love to give.
Not someone who puts on a front just to impress me for that first month and then reveal Mr. Hyde.
I want the good and the bad of someone who's worth it and will deal with my good and bad.
I don't want him.
I want what we had.
I want it in someone who wants it with me.
I want someone like that for the rest of my life.
I'm not saying I want it now, but someday.

One day at work, this very old couple came in. It was fairly busy and we had a bit of a wait to have anymore seating. They contemplated if that were going to wait, but they decided to leave. As they were leaving, they grabbed each other's hand and walked out the door.
It was the sweetest thing to see a couple that was probably in the 80's that still held hands. That's the first initial move to showing someone you like them and they're still doing it after the many years they've been together.
That just proves to me my views on universal love and how timeless it really is.
I want that timeless love. I want it without games and without lies.
Love has no boundries.
Love has no limits.
Love has no fronts.

In His Hands

Maybe you'll understand one day
That nothing in life is going to go your way
It's in His hands now because I let it be
Because I know He knows what's best for me
It's going to be hard, but nothing is easy
And everything that comes my way won't please me
But I have faith that someday it'll be fine
And it will be worth all the times I cry
And the times I think I can't go on
And the times where I thought everything went wrong
And those time where I was too foolish and completely insane
That with each choice I made caused myself pain
But I know being strong now will have its rewards
Because I let my life story be told by the Lord

Tony and Maria

I watched West Side Story today.

I love that movie.

And/or the musical.

And I love the song "Somewhere"

Why can't I have that?

Why can't I have what Tony and Maria have?

FML I just want to be in love already!! AHH!

Revamp

PS I WROTE WAAAY LONG AGO.

So we're in the middle of Lent. The 40 days and 40 nights before Easter where people of the Catholic faith are to fast. Other people tend to have exceptions to this rule by giving up sweets, swearing, etc. But Lent is another excuse for a New Years resolution. It shouldn't be about giving something up for vanity reasons, it should be for a new start for being a better person, inside and out too.

This year I've decided to first of all not give up something, but start doing something. I've been through a lot this year and I've struggles through many obstacles. Writing how I feel and looking to my mom and friends for advise can only get me so far. It's time to refocus my faith by coming closer to God. I've been to church once in the past 5 years (rough estimate) and I've forgotten where I've come from and how I was raised.

I've also decided that I need to be a more happy person. For me to be happy on the inside, I need to rid myself of the things that make me unhappy. And yes, this deals with my appearance. I'm not trying to convince you that I have poor self-esteem and a twisted body image, but I do. But part of that is because I don't feel good about myself because I don't take care of my body like I used to. Part of my revamping is getting back into a regular workout routine which I've started recently.

Another is taking care of my skin. To do that, I've been using medications and a three step program my mom gets me from Clinique. I've also cut back on tanning. But also with those things, I'm not going to achieve what I want by crappy eating habits. I've cut back on Double Stacks and 5 piece chicken nuggets from Wendy's, which will also save me money. So, I'm revamping my faith, my health, and next my mind set on other people.

A while back I was caught in a nasty, drama induced debacle and by my own fault. I've learned since that, talking shit about people isn't going to make you very many friends. I'm through dealing with drama that doesn't have to involve me because I have enough stress on my shoulders as it is. None of it will matter soon and it's just a waste of my time and my brain.

And I'm realizing also that I can be too quick to judge. I hate it when I'm judged without people getting to know me, so it's not fair that I do that same.

So, there you go - my three goals to be achieved during Lent and hopefully they'll last even after that.

Etiquette Part 2 - Driving

When it comes to sharing the road, there is a certain etiquette ALL drivers should know. For instance...

How hard is it to move your ENTIRE car into the turning lane so that I don't have to break and wait for you to fucking turn? I'm not expecting to have to break for you because you should be in the turning lane...PS I have severe road rage, it's fine.

The one thing about driving etiquette that bothers me the most, especially when I'm about to be late, or that I'm in a hurry doesn't really even deal with driving. It's the thing after driving: parking.

You know those yellow and white lines that are painted on the cement of roads and parking lots? Those are just decorations right? Oh, no? They're used for guidelines for drivers? Oh...OK. Then why don't some people know how to use them?

I hate stupid ass parkers. What makes people think they can take up 2 parking spots? Like your car isn't the only car that doesn't want to get dinged by another dumb driver? It's the chance you take by parking next to someone. Every time I see that I just want to go up to the car and put a dent in the door. They'll come out and think: That's impossible! I made a dick move and took up 2 spots just so that wouldn't happen!

What's even worse is people who park their whole car in one spot, but leave their left or right back tire in the next spot making it almost impossible to not park there unless you're driving a motorcycle. It's the people who don't want to seem like a complete ass by making it look like it was just an accidental bad parking job. And even if it was an accident, and you knew it, back the fuck out and fix it. It's not like you're gonna break your arm by shifting gears one more time.

When I see that happen, I'm the kind of person who enjoys squeezing their small car next to those people to prove to them they can't stop people from parking there. Yeah, it's kind of a dick move also, but I don't care.

Oh and what's the deal with parking in the winter? Since there is snow on the ground covering the lines, people seems to forget how to park. So, the lack of parking lines suddenly allows you to park three feet away from the car next to you?

Ugh, there is such a lack of people with driving etiquette...FML.

PS I could totally continue with driving speed/moving with the flow of traffic and other things that bug the shit out of me when I'm driving, but I don't want to get myself too worked up before bed. =]

Etiquette Part 1 - Tipping Your Waiter

The other night, Marissa and I were talking about cheapos at works. No, I'm not talking about some new whole grain cereal, I'm talking about cheap people. Not just in general, but at restaurants particularly.

When having a dinner at a sit down restaurant, there is a certain etiquette one should know. Especially the restaurant I work at, which happens to be one of the ritziest in town, otherwise, expensive. So, those who come to have dinner have somewhat of a pre-disposed stereotype even before they order. If you come here to eat, you're expected to be prepared for a bill of at least $20 a person if you want a satisfying meal. If you're willing to pay that much on a meal, be prepared to spend the 15% gratuity for your server.

Most people who have a thick wallet do a good job at tipping. I've noticed, on the other hand, there are those who certainly do NOT know proper restaurant etiquette.

1 - Why the hell would you come to a restaurant of a pricey menu and not put down money for an actual meal? All you can afford is a salad? Really? You're going to spend $9 on a salad? Go to fucking McDonald's is you want to be cheap.

2 - Since you decided to not lay down that much money and get the damn salad, you'd think you could give your server a nice tip. But no, God forbid you spend more than $10 at a sit down restaurant. $1? Really? How pathetic.

I hate people who don't take into consideration that servers are getting paid with their tips. Reality check, tips aren't extra pocket money, it's part of their salary. People need to realize some manners and proper etiquette for restaurants.

Oh, and don't complain about the dimmed mood lighting at a fancy restaurant. It's for affect. It's not fucking Walmart.