Ha, Funny

Remember about two weeks ago when I said I was going to write more because I had forgotten how to write?

And I said that I had forgotten how to because my best writing came from a broken heart and now that I'm happy and in love with someone I just don't have that same niche anymore?

Remember how I said I was going to start pulling things from my imagination to start writing fictional things that were sad?

And everything I've written since then has been sad but 100% true?

Funny how things work out like that.

Maybe it's the Rain

Maybe it's the rain but today I feel sad

It feels like I'm forgetting about something

Something feels missing

I feel like something isn't right

Oh yeah...my boyfriend is in Europe

And my grandma just died

That must be it

Or maybe it's the rain

I don't feel like doing anything today

I hardly feel like moving

School is almost over and I feel behind

I still don't have a second job to help pay for rent

I'm just not enjoying anything today

But maybe it's just the rain

I got to see one of my best friends a couple weeks ago

But now she's moving to North Dakota

And I probably won't ever see her again

It's kind of making me depressed

But maybe it's just the rain

Today is dark and rainy

It hailed earlier and my apartment shook from thunder

I was a little frightened from the storm

And it's still raining and I'm feeling really lonely

But it's probably from the rain

10 Months

Today is the first day of 27 days I cannot speak to Matt.

He flew from New York to Europe today.

It feels like there is a piece of me missing.

Maybe I'm just dreading it too much, but I don't like this feeling.

I don't like not being able to talk to him.

I don't like not being able to see him.

I don't like not knowing if he's safe.

When he returns will be together for 10 months.

Consistently.

Not with any months in between this time.

I can't wait until he comes back.

I don't like this feeling.

I miss him already.

Fallen in a Hole

There's a hole in my chest where my heart used to be, and I think I'm falling apart.

My air ways constricts, and my lungs are collapsing as I fight to breathe one small breath.

One day you're here and the next day you're gone, and it feels like the world is crumbling beneath me.

I close my eyes and I feel like it's a dream.

Air thrashes around me as I begin to fall.

Falling, I'm falling, it feels like I'm falling down into a bottomless pit, reaching towards the sky, but in darkness there is nothing to grab onto.

I kick and I scream for someone to come catch me, to come save me from this nightmare.

My chest pounds with pain and the air passes through the hole in my chest.

It whooshes through creating a sounds of women crying, of children screaming, and nails scratching a chalk board.

The sound is unbearable.

The pain is intolerable.

It's even harder to breathe.

As I'm falling I grasp my throat, only hoping I can catch my breath.

I try to scream but nothing comes out.

I hear a soft beating noise, the sound of a heart breaking.

The further I fall, the louder it gets.

Louder, louder...faster and faster.

It's right next to my ears, I can hear it so vividly.

Is this the end?

Am I finally to end of the hole?

I open my eyes and I'm no longer falling, I am lying on a cold, damp and hard floor.

The end has come upon me and I still fight to breathe.

The hole in my chest is bigger than ever, but I can still hear my heart pounding.

It was so loud before but now it's so faint I think it may be a figment of my imagination.

The beating stops.

It's Okay to Cry

I just can't seem to shake this sorrow.
It'll get easier in the time to come.
That's what it takes, time...right?
Time to get over this kind of pain.
Such pain comes with losing someone you know.
It's even worse when it's someone close to you.
It's even worse when it's someone in your family.
But sometimes it's okay to cry.
It's good to get it all out.
Just one long sob fest.
It's good for you.
It's okay to let loose of your pride and your stability.
It's okay to let the tears stream and not care what you look like - like a blubbering mess.
Because there are some things that happen in life that suck really really bad, so it's okay to let it all out.
It's okay that you're not the strongest person you try to be.
It's okay to be an emotional wreck sometimes.
Really, it is.
Bad things happen in life.
People are born and then they leave this earth for hopefully a better place because that's the cycle of life.
Everything happens for a reason, as I've always believed, so you just have to know that everything will be alright eventually.

I can't seem to shake this sorrow.
I can't seem to be strong.
I can't seem to dry these tears.
But it's okay to feel this way right now.
It's okay to cry.

Grandma K. RIP 4/18/10

Today is a day to mourn.
A downward spiral.
It felt like a downward spiral.
Why cancer?
Why that monster?
Why twice?

Too soon.

Gone too soon.

Grandma let me do those dishes for you...

Grandma can I come visit this weekend with Breana?

Grandma can you give me that banana bread recipe?

Grandma can you make scalloped corn?

Grandma can you paint my nails?

I want them to be half pink and half white.

Grandma are you gonna keep this bottle?

Can I have it?

Grandma can I have the bunny on couch? I like the jewel.

Grandma can we go get hot chocolate and toast?

I want to go to the place!

I can't believe she's gone.

A waiting game.

Why did it turn into to a waiting game?

It's been a downward spiral since the cancer.

She survives.

She survives.

Not this time.

She survives.

She survives in my heart.

Forgetting How to Remember

Does that make any sense?

How have I forgotten how to remember that I know how to write.

It seems as though I've lost my niche.

I have forgotten how to put my heart into writing.

Thus, I just write.

Whatever is on my mind - there is no creativity behind it.

There is no real thought behind it.

Therefore there is no reason to write.

I know how to write.

I know how to think creatively.

I've lost touch of what I used to do.

Perhaps my skills come from heartbreak.

I wrote a lot of things I thought were meaningful and creative when I was in pain.

When I was left alone.

And now that I'm not - I don't write.

But here I am writing about how I have forgotten how to remember.

And so I begin a goal.

Remember my breaking heart.

Remember the passion behind the words and perhaps I'll stop forgetting how to write.

Although most of my words will be fictional - because I'm utterly in love and am very happy - I shall warn you, my words may cut.

They may hurt.

They may tear me apart.

But it's the risk I take for remembering my passion.

My past time.

My first love.

Whatever it takes...

I will remember how to write.