How Can I Say I'm Sorry, Let Me Count the Ways

Wednesday, December 31, 2008 at 12:18am

How can it be a lesson learned when I have yet to know the lesson taught? There are some things that I have a hard time understanding, but somehow I come to figure them out anyway. But when I am left with no clue as to what my crime was, my comprehension is slim to none.

I would apologize a thousand times and continue to ask for forgiveness if there was something I knew I was guilty for. I would understand why I caused you pain. I would understand the fact that I don’t deserve to ever hear your voice again. I would not expect to have a second chance. I would not expect forgiveness. But how can I say I’m sorry? How can I apologize to you when you’re the one who caused me pain. I shouldn’t have given you a second chance. I shouldn’t have accepted your one thousand apologies.

So how can I say I’m sorry? Let me count the ways…I’m sorry to my aching heart because I fight too hard to retain love when the love I seek is empty.
I’m sorry that you’re completely oblivious to the false accusations put upon me.
I’m sorry for ever letting my wall down again, and again, and again knowing it was the one thing that was protecting my heart.
I’m sorry you think I’m guilty for causing you pain when I was only returning the favor.
I’m sorry to the people who know how I feel because I’m sure you’ve done this to them as well.
I’m sorry for not listening to my friends and now they’re allowed to say, “I told you so.”
But most of all I’m sorry I ever thought you would change. That you could ever know how much pain you’ve put me through in such a short amount of time.

You think that all you do is justified by the words you write but it’s not enough. Words written and words spoken mean nothing when there is no action done to back them up. You think I’m surprised this happened, but there’s no real surprise in my mind, just confirmation. The signs were clear right away that you were no good for me, yet I saw past them.

I can say I’m not holding on anymore and I can say I shed no tears. However, my sorrow is real and mine to own but the sorrow you hold is undeserved. It’s not meant for you. You don’t deserve to feel sorrow when all you left me with is brokenness. You have no right in owning a broken heart. You only deserve what you have delivered. And what you’ve delivered was a beautiful performance of pain and guilt. But I no longer believe you. Yeah, you’re a good actor, baby, that much is true. So good that you got a standing ovation from me.

But if all I say is false then let me know, I sure would like to know the truth, after all, I deserve the truth. But the truth you hold will never be revealed because you’re too proud to come clean. You’re too immature and insecure to own up to how you really feel. So continue to hold your tongue, sir, because the message is clear when no words are involved.