New Blog

I have a new blog for my photography.

Check it.

Kaptivating Creations Photography

The Hardest Day

Getting through yesterday was the hardest.
I didn't think I would be able to do it.
Each second, each moment felt like it was lasting forever.
In every thought, every minute there was you.
I just wanted it to stop.
I just wanted it to end.
I couldn't stop thinking about it.
I couldn't stop thinking about you.
You didn't belong to me.
You didn't belong there.
I had to get you out.
I couldn't get you out of my head.
I couldn't get you out of my heart.
Yesterday is over now.
I thought it would never end.

Today is going to be hard to get through, I already know it.
I'm not sure if I can do it.
Each second, each moment feels like it's lasting forever.
In every thought, every minute you're there.
I just want it to stop.
I just want it to end.
Why can't I stop thinking about it?
Why can't I stop thinking about you?
You don't belong to me.
You don't belong here.
Get out of my head.
Get out of my heart.
I can't even imagine what tomorrow will hold.
It will be better than today, I just know it.
Today is the hardest.
I don't think it will ever end.

Tomorrow will be easier to get through, I just know it.
I'm not sure what it will bring, but I know I can do it.
Each second, each moment will fly by.
In every thought, every minute you'll be but a memory.
It will stop.
It will end.
I'll be able to stop thinking about it.
I'll be able to stop thinking of you.
You don't belong to me, it's as easy as that.
You don't belong here so, why should I care?
My head will be free.
My heart will be mended.
Tomorrow will be great.
It will be easier that today and yesterday, I just know it.
Tomorrow will end and I'll finally be okay.

The Music is Me

Push it.
Just push it.
Just push play.
Do it already!
I need to hear it.
I need to hear that song.
I need to.
I need to feel happy again.
It's the only thing that can.
It's the only thing that makes me feel normal.
That music.
It plays a melody straight in my heart.
It takes over my sadness.
It takes over my brain and my mind.
Don't press pause.
Don't press stop.
Just let it play.
Just let me listen.
Let the words ignite the fire.
Let the harmonies calm the storm.
Let the rhythm make my heart beat.
No, don't do it!
Don't let it stop.
Put it on shuffle.
Put it on repeat.
Let the record spin.
Let the CD spin.
Let the mp3 play.
Let the play list replay.
Shh...
Just listen.
Listen to the music.
Listen to the mood.
Let it sink in.
The music takes over my thoughts.
The music takes over my emotions.
The music takes over my life in this moment.
In this solitary moment.
The music is inside of me.
The music is me.
The music is me.

Not Even Mine

It feels like my heart has been pulled from my chest and shoved in my stomach. The thought of never seeing him again causes a painstaking beat in my heart. It's hard to lose a loved one.

But I never knew it could be hard to lose someone who's not yours, who never was your to begin with, and probably never would be yours in the future.

After all, someone else has his heart. But I know that's not it. There's something about the way he looks at me...the way he speaks to me.
It's in his voice.
I know it is.
That's why this is so hard. I don't want to lose it. I can't stand the thought of losing him. Every time he's around, a smile is brought to my face and my eyes light up.
It's true what they say - you never knew what you had until it's gone.

But I never had him. He wasn't mine...never was to begin with, and probably never would have been in the future.

So, why do I feel like I've been raped of the one I care about most? Why do I feel like there's more...more than what people see or know...more than what I can explain or feel...but there's the feeling and knowing he's not even mine.

The Answers

I wish I had all the answers but sadly enough I don't.
No one does.
I wish I knew what to do next.
Which step to take.
Which bound to leap.
Which path to follow.
I wish I knew how to move on and to let go of things that don't matter anymore.
Or how to find exactly what I want.
I wish I was more happy more often.
But I wish I knew how to reach that happiness.
I wish I knew how to evolve my heart with my brain so that I could feel exactly what I wanted to when I wanted.
So that I could heal old wounds and re-build the wall that was once protecting my heart.
I wish I could allow it to open to those who deserve it.
I wish I had all the answers, but sadly enough don't.
No one does.
I wish I knew what to do next.
Which step to take.
Which bound to leap.
Which path to follow.
I wish I knew right from wrong and fact from fiction.
I wish that life came with instructions and signs that told you "Wrong Way" or "Do Not Enter."
I wish I had all the answers.
Instead, I make mistakes and learn.

Oh, Loaner Phone*

*Sung in the tune of "Oh, Christmas Tree"

Oh, loaner phone
Oh, loaner phone
I really, really hate you
Oh, loaner phone
Oh, loaner phone
I use you, I don't want to
My moto RAZR's screen went black
How I wish I had it back
Oh, loaner phone
Oh, loaner phone
I really, really hate you

Oh, loaner phone
Oh, loaner phone
I very much dislike you
Oh, loaner phone
Oh, loaner phone
I don't know what I will do
An LG, "Life is Good"
Those who use are from the hood (small joke)
Oh, loaner phone
Oh, loaner phone
I very much dislike you

Midnight Streets

6/3/09

I'm in a strange city where no one knows my name.
I walk up and down the black-paved streets and find myself wandering up and down.
Back and forth.
Around and around in circles.
Wondering where the hell I'm going.
I enter a local store to ask for directions.
As soon as they went to speak I noticed their tongues were black.
They spoke English but the words that came out of my mouth were incomprehensible.
Screaming at the top of my lungs I shouted, "Why can't you understand?! Why aren't you listening?!"
I left the shop frustrated, anxious, and short of breath.
What am I going to do?
Everything is black.
Nothing around me is familiar.
Nothing around me is welcoming.
Nothing around me is enjoyable.
I entered a coffee shop hoping for a little familiarity and a turtle mocha to calm my nerves.
Everyone sat around with their heads buried in a novel as they sipped from their off-white colored mug.
I went to order my drink and they all sat up and looked in my direction with their black retro sunglasses on.
I couldn't see their eyes, but I knew they weren't even looking at me.
I looked at the list of drinks.
The first said: Coffee - Black.
The next said: Coffee - Black.
All they had was black coffee.
No cream.
No sugar.
No flavor shots.
I wasn't wanting something hard and tasteless so I left.
I could feel the eyes on me as I left.
It was night time which didn't help me find a way out.
There were no stars.
Not a single glimmer of light.
No dusk or dawn or hint of sun.
The moon even hid from the midnight sky.
It was pitch black.
Then street lights lit up the town.
Each one was perfectly in alignment with the next.
From a distance, it appeared only one on each side lit up the whole street.
Like magic.
As I kept walking, the light behind me turned off.
One by one...
I ran faster to escape the dark and escape the foreign town.
But the lights continued to die with my pace.
I couldn't escape and soon I was blind.
Everything was black.
Then a single light shone down on me.
I was back where I had started.
Walking up and down that black-paved street where no one knew my name.